Christmas Party

Tonight is my friend Danny's Christmas party! Clearly I don't go to many parties but I have been going to this annual party for many years now. It's always so much fun! He has a good group of friends. They are quite nerdy but so am I! Tonight I'm going to stay out late, drink alcoholic drinks, and forget that I'm a mom for one night! Yay! I'm so excited! This will be the first and only party with my friends that I'll go to all year!

C is not too thrilled about it. He doesn't trust my friendship with Danny. He thinks there is more going on. There isn't. Danny has always been a good friend to me since I met him during college orientation. He stuck by me through both pregnancies, countless fights with C, the break up with S, and the countless times my mom has hurt me. I know that I could count on Danny no matter what.

We have an issue two years ago. I flirted with one of his friends and he got incredibly mad at me. I guess he had a crush on me at the time. He was drunk so his reaction was a bit over-dramatic. We talked about it after that, clarifying that we are just friends and that's all we'll ever be. Since then, I've met one of his next few girlfriends. I even helped him get through that breakup. He's one of my best friends.

C has no reason to be upset about this party. He parties with his friends, including flirting with them, much more than I ever could. He's even going out with fellow Marines tonight. I'll probably end up calling him late tonight. I don't mean to; I want to enjoy my only night off. I just have this habit of calling him every time I drink. I used to give my cell phone to friends after my second drink just to make sure I wouldn't call him. (Of course, at that time, the toxic friends I had would give me the cell phone back because they loved laughing at me calling him. That's another story though.) I'm going to try to resist calling him on my own tonight. I have faith in my abilities even though my impulse control is not the strongest as evidenced by this half eaten bag of candy at my desk...

The Nutcracker

Last night, G was in his first play. He was in the Nutcracker as the King of the Mice. It was adorable! He was so proud of the show! We "played" nutcracker for weeks before this. He was excited to preform and I was excited to watch. Of course there were several mistakes in the play (people forgot their cues, kids tripped, etc.) but I loved watching it! I'm so proud of that boy! I was almost crying when he ran around on stage in part because I was so proud and in part because he's growing up way too fast. It was one of the best nights I've had in weeks!

Need Advice

Oh, blog, I wish someone was reading you so I could get some advice...

I was on Facebook yesterday looking at a status of one of my friends who also happens to be A's bio dad's friend. (Side note: I can't keep calling him A's bio dad. That's just too long to type repeatedly. Plus it gives him too much credit relating to A. From now on I'll refer to him as S.) She had posted a picture of herself with blond hair. It wasn't a "sexy" shot; it was just her head. Still, she looked beautiful in the picture. I noticed she had commented on the picture so I read the comments.

S's comment was the second one. In all his discreteness, he wrote, "Nice  :) my p is standing." Who writes such a crude statement in a public place? Why would he possibly think that was acceptable? My friend seemed fine with it but it still made me mad. He has time to write disgusting comments on Facebook but he won't even ask how is own daughter is for seven months! Seven months! She's a completely different baby now! But he doesn't care. He defriended me on Facebook and won't reply when I text his new phone number.

I still haven't heard back about the child support forms I filed months ago. Now I'm regretting even sending them in. I should've just filed for full custody instead. I want the legal papers to reflect how the situation already is, if that makes sense. Then I would never have to worry about him trying to take her away from me.

But legal issues aside, what should I do? How do I get over this anger at him? Should I say something about the status? Should I say something to the friend? I'm pretty sure she doesn't know the real reason we broke up. He lied to all of our mutual friends despite claiming it was "not a big deal." Should I do anything at all?

I wish I could talk to C about this, but he would only think that I wanted to get back with S. That's not advice and that's not helpful...

Searching for Solutions

I can't seem to get over what he said to me. He settled for me. He doesn't like spending time with me. Our conversations are boring. They are his family. They are the ones who've always been there for him. I guess I've only been the source of his problems over the last six years. I've made a huge mistake; I should not have married him. I love him but every time I think of him I want to cry. I feel worthless and useless. Why would he love me anyway? I'm pathetic. I have no personality. I'm boring. No one deserves the fate of being stuck with me forever.

Yet I still want happiness... I have to fight the urge to wonder why someone like me should be happy, but I still want to be. I should feel loved and valued in a relationship, right? I always thought that was the point of the relationship. But if I'm not with C, I'll be alone forever. No one wants to be with a social anxiety ridden single mom with no personality. I'll be lonely but I think I would be less depressed that way.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel like a failure for not being able to make a marriage work. I know about half of all marriages end in divorce but still. I wanted better for myself and my kids. So if I do leave, I want to try everything I could do first. I'm not going to do anything drastic until we have a chance to live together first. Maybe it's the distance that's getting to us. Our communication could be getting a bit lazy. We mostly rely on texting each other. It's hard to talk deeply through texts. Maybe it's fear about his probable deployment. He might be pushing me away so he won't worry as much when he's gone. He does know what drives me crazy so it would be easy for him to do. It might not having anything to do with us!

If living together doesn't fix our problems, then I'll try marriage counselling. Maybe a professional could help us make our relationship healthy again.

And speaking of professionals, I'm going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to try to get on antidepressants. I put it off because if I'm formally diagnosed with depression, I can't be a surrogate. I wanted to try surrogacy. It seemed like a great way to enjoy  being pregnant without having the responsibility of a child afterwards. Plus, I'd be directly responsible for helping two people have a family member they will love and cherish. It seemed like such a great experience. However, I'm just so unhappy right now. I'm willing to give up the experience for immediate happiness. As soon as I have the chance, I'm going to make an appointment. As a bonus, antidepressants help reduce my social anxiety. It would be nice to walk into a room full of people and not feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.

Expanded Post...

Ok, that last post may have been a bit over-dramatic. I'm just upset with C and I can't talk to him about it right now. I honestly don't know if we will last. Even though we haven't been married that long, every time he visits, we fight. Getting married was a mistake. But what's done is done. Either we work through it or we divorce. No going back now.

I guess this weekend wasn't all bad. I got to spend Thanksgiving with my In-Laws. I love them by the way. They are so nice and accepting. One of C's brothers kind of scares me, but everyone else is amazing. The only problem with dinner there is that most of the conversations took place in Spanish. I've tried learning Spanish; I've taken classes for six years. Nothing seems to stick though. C's siblings speak fluent English but his parents only know some of the language. It makes communicating with them very difficult. I should probably give it one more attempt to learn though. Something has to work eventually, right? Anyway, Thanksgiving was fun. There were so many kinds running around and the adults were all laughing. It was exactly like a Thanksgiving should be.

That night, C and I were supposed to go out. My parents agreed to watch both kids Thursday and Friday night. C was too tired. We just went to sleep.

Friday, we took both kids Black Friday shopping. Crazy! C bought some stuff for himself at Express. I took care of both kids because they wouldn't wait in line. Then we went to The Children's Place so I could buy some things for the kids. G had to use the potty so C ran off with him to find one. They didn't make it in time so C had to buy him new clothes. C promised to buy me new clothes to wear later that night. However, after G's accident, C claimed he was too tired and wanted to leave. We had promised G a trip to Barnes and Noble to play with their Thomas the Train table so we went there instead. C cut the playtime short.

That night, we dropped off the kids so we could go out with a few of his friends. We played pool and then went to a bar to sing karaoke. He flirted with one of his friends the entire night. His best friend noticed that I seemed upset by this and tried to comfort me. C never noticed. I got drunk to avoid crying. C called a cab and had us leave early. I was not consulted before this decision. My opinion is not necessary I guess.

Saturday morning was our last time together. He made plans for the afternoon and evening with his friends. We were going to grab breakfast together. A had a fever so we weren't going to take her out. Thankfully my dad agreed to watch her for just a little bit longer. I suggested we get food to go so I could get back with her quicker. He didn't seem keen on the idea until his friends called. Then he couldn't get rid of us fast enough. G was so upset when C left but C still practically sprinted from the car. He didn't text me for the rest of the day, Sunday, or today. I've been forgotten I guess.

Worthless Again

Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't a wife and kids supposed to be a priority in a husband's life? When did I become only an obligation. C's visit was awful. When he was with us, he would text his friends. When he was with them, we didn't exist. He had this huge elaborate plan for Saturday night and he would post on Facebook repeatedly about it. Saturday was his night with friends. He didn't bother making plans for our days together. He didn't sound excited talking about them either. We aren't a priority. We are something he has to get through until he can be with the people he wants to be with. Once more I feel worthless and alone.

Worthless

Well my mom did it again: she made me feel worthless. My brothers came home for Thanksgiving yesterday. My parents and I were talking about how loud they will be and how they will stay up all night. I mentioned that if they kept A from sleeping I was going to tell them to be quiet. At that point, I had been up with A since 4 am. She had a fever on and off all day too. I was tired and she needed sleep to feel better. But no. My mom told me that I was not allowed to interrupt their fun. My need for sleep once again doesn't matter when it keeps my brothers from having fun. It didn't even matter. They left almost immediately once they got home. They went out to drink even though they are underage. Yet somehow I'm still the black sheep. Actually I'm worse than a black sheep. The sheep will produce wool. I'm completely worthless.