Searching for Solutions

I can't seem to get over what he said to me. He settled for me. He doesn't like spending time with me. Our conversations are boring. They are his family. They are the ones who've always been there for him. I guess I've only been the source of his problems over the last six years. I've made a huge mistake; I should not have married him. I love him but every time I think of him I want to cry. I feel worthless and useless. Why would he love me anyway? I'm pathetic. I have no personality. I'm boring. No one deserves the fate of being stuck with me forever.

Yet I still want happiness... I have to fight the urge to wonder why someone like me should be happy, but I still want to be. I should feel loved and valued in a relationship, right? I always thought that was the point of the relationship. But if I'm not with C, I'll be alone forever. No one wants to be with a social anxiety ridden single mom with no personality. I'll be lonely but I think I would be less depressed that way.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel like a failure for not being able to make a marriage work. I know about half of all marriages end in divorce but still. I wanted better for myself and my kids. So if I do leave, I want to try everything I could do first. I'm not going to do anything drastic until we have a chance to live together first. Maybe it's the distance that's getting to us. Our communication could be getting a bit lazy. We mostly rely on texting each other. It's hard to talk deeply through texts. Maybe it's fear about his probable deployment. He might be pushing me away so he won't worry as much when he's gone. He does know what drives me crazy so it would be easy for him to do. It might not having anything to do with us!

If living together doesn't fix our problems, then I'll try marriage counselling. Maybe a professional could help us make our relationship healthy again.

And speaking of professionals, I'm going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to try to get on antidepressants. I put it off because if I'm formally diagnosed with depression, I can't be a surrogate. I wanted to try surrogacy. It seemed like a great way to enjoy  being pregnant without having the responsibility of a child afterwards. Plus, I'd be directly responsible for helping two people have a family member they will love and cherish. It seemed like such a great experience. However, I'm just so unhappy right now. I'm willing to give up the experience for immediate happiness. As soon as I have the chance, I'm going to make an appointment. As a bonus, antidepressants help reduce my social anxiety. It would be nice to walk into a room full of people and not feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.