Worthless

Well my mom did it again: she made me feel worthless. My brothers came home for Thanksgiving yesterday. My parents and I were talking about how loud they will be and how they will stay up all night. I mentioned that if they kept A from sleeping I was going to tell them to be quiet. At that point, I had been up with A since 4 am. She had a fever on and off all day too. I was tired and she needed sleep to feel better. But no. My mom told me that I was not allowed to interrupt their fun. My need for sleep once again doesn't matter when it keeps my brothers from having fun. It didn't even matter. They left almost immediately once they got home. They went out to drink even though they are underage. Yet somehow I'm still the black sheep. Actually I'm worse than a black sheep. The sheep will produce wool. I'm completely worthless.

Defining Boundaries

I've been reading about relationships lately. I've read that it is up to each couple to define the boundaries of the relationship based on what behavior is acceptable/ unacceptable. While discussing C's plans for his visit, we discovered a behavior that we disagree about: dancing. C wants to go dancing at a club with his friends without me. Am I crazy for feeling this way? C thinks the only reason I don't want him to go is because I don't trust him. I think that dancing with people who aren't your significant other, particularly when they aren't friends of the relationship, is disrespectful and inappropriate. We got into a big fight this weekend over this issue.

Dancing is flirty behavior. All but the most tame dances involve a lot of body contact. Touching someone that much without music would be considered inappropriate. Why is it suddenly ok when there is music? Let the unencumbered dance with whoever they want. People in serious relationships should stick only with each other. It only makes things worse when you consider alcohol is involved. Alcohol can easily convince hands to wander into inappropriate territory. Knowing C, he will have a lot of drinks. He tends to touch more than he should when he drinks anyway. Dancing would make it easier to go farther.

Like I said above, none of his friends are friends of the relationship. (I really like that term "friends of the relationship" by the way.) They would never stop him from cheating on me. For all I know, they would cheer him on if he cheated on me. Sometimes I wonder if he would've been better off marrying one of his friends instead of me. None of them approve of me. None of them like me.

I'm going to wrap up this post so I don't get caught on a rant of self loathing where I starting listing all my flaws. C agreed not to go dancing with them this time but he said he will dance with them in the future. Basically our argument is on hold for now. The boundaries of our relationship have not changed.

California Issues

C found out that he will probably be deploying in February for around six or seven months. If this is true, it could be a big problem for us. I was planning to move to California with him after busy season ends. That would be mid-April to early May, I'd move with him. So I'd move out there and be all alone for several months. We knew this was a strong possibility. As much as it scares me, I'd rather move alone than be stuck here much longer. It would only be for a few months anyway.

C doesn't want me to go. He's always had trust issues. He's worried about me on a base filled with guys. Now let me say this: I have never cheated on him. I firmly don't believe in cheating. I feel like if you are attracted to someone enough that cheating is a possibility, then that's a sign your current relationship is wrong. The result would be to break up your current relationship. Simple as that. Whether or not you pursue the new relationship should be a completely separate issue.

I knew C was like this long before I married him. This is part of the reason why we didn't get married before he left for boot camp. So much of a long distance relationship is based on trust and communication. Those have always been our issues. We've gotten a lot better at them but this is clearly a big one.

I've always done what I could to ease his mind. Clearly, if I do something to make him seriously think I'm cheating, that would be just as damaging to our relationship as if I actually cheated. I've been doing all I can to never give him a reason to worry. I don't hang out one-on-one with guys. I don't go to bars or clubs. I rarely drink. (When I do drink, I usually ending up calling him anyway. All I want to do is ramble on and on to him when I drink. I'm a flirty drunk but he's the only one I want to flirt with.) When I move to California, this behavior will not change. If anything, I'll actually get more trustworthy. I won't know any guys and my antisocial personality will keep me from making new friends; I won't know where the bars and clubs are; I won't even have a babysitter I trust. My life out there will revolve around my kids and my job. Flirting with guys won't even enter my mind.

I am still worried about being in a completely new place all alone with two kids. It will be very difficult. I'm struggling right now and that's with support! I feel like I don't have time to get everything I need to done right now but I'm not taking on all the responsibilities I would in California. I don't grocery shop, I barely clean, and I don't need to bother with any repairs. On one hand, maybe it would be better to wait for C to return.

But then I think about what it would be like to stay...

I'm living with my parents. How pathetic is that? I feel awful about myself whenever I think about it. All I want is to be an adult and support my family. Instead, my mom is still nagging me to clean up my room. I'm stuck in this childlike limbo where I can't really be an adult. I don't take on adult challenges. I don't manage a household like an adult. I'm just a sad little former teen mom who got knocked up twice. I'm someone who deserves scorn because I'm just a pathetic excuse for a human being. I hate living with my parents! I hate it!

There's also a space issue. G, A and I are all crammed into one room. With my full size bed, a toddler bed, and a crib, there is very little space for us. I had enough furniture for a two bedroom apartment. All of that is now in one little room. I can't even unpack most of my boxes because there isn't space for everything. A doesn't even have a proper dresser again due to space issues. (My two brothers' rooms are unused about 75% of the time but we are not allowed to use those. Mom said they must be kept as they are for the holidays when my brothers return...)

I didn't think we would be here this long. It's almost been a year since I moved back with my parents. I need to get out!

Updates 11-19-13

Do you ever feel like there's not enough things to say? Usually I only feel that way when I talk to people but I'm feeling like that right now. I'm just plodding along through life right now. Nothing significant or noteworthy is happening in my life recently.

Let's see...

C will be here in a little over a week. I'm so excited about it, but I believe I already mentioned that.

G is doing well at school. We've recently started playing board games together. He loves it except when he loses. We are working on him being ok with losing right now. I can't play games with him as much as I want to because A tries to eat the pieces or money or whatever. I hate stopping in the middle of a game to take care of her.

A is getting bigger. I got her a bigger rear facing car seat because she is quickly growing out of her old one. She still has only four teeth but she seems to be chewing on everything again. She will also eat everything. This weekend she stole my fried chicken. She took a big bite out of it before I even noticed. I swear, that girl eats more than I do.

I should be officially a CPA soon. I sent in my final application complete with processing fee about a month ago. The check was finally processed this weekend! Yay! I still have a chance to become a CPA in 2013!

Hatred List

I was talking with C yesterday. I told him to be careful because I don't know what I would do without him. He half-jokingly told me that I would date or go back to my ex, meaning A's father. He doesn't get it. C has no idea how mad I still am at that sorry excuse for a guy. I still can't write the story about what happened here on this blog without crying about it even though it ended last year. How can C not see how much I hate that guy? Not only does he ignore how much I hate the guy but he even thinks I could ever like the jerk again. There are very few people that I intensely hate that C should be able to keep them straight.

People I Hate So Much That I Wish They Would Suffer Horrifically Painful Deaths That I Would Not Regret Wishing For:

1. A's bio-dad - manipulater, liar, thief, drug user, all around bad guy

2. Julius - This guy dated one of my friends when I just graduated high school. It was a tricky time in my life; most of my friends abandoned me at this point. I had one close friend who happened to be dating this jerk since before I was even friends with her. He used to sexually abuse me when she was asleep but I was always afraid to say something. I didn't want to risk losing her friendship if she didn't believe me. Finally when they broke up, I told her. He denied it, made up all sorts of lies about me, and even stooped so low as to vandalize my car. She believed me. This guy will always be always be on my hated list.

3. My Mom - A little care would go a long way. She made the list when she told me that I would never have suffered depression if I was less selfish, that I chose depression and it was completely my fault. I would still dream of cutting her from my life for all the other ways she's hurt me and cut me down over the years but that statement alone got her on my list.

I used to include my dad on this list too right alongside my mom. I thought he was just as bad as her. Now I don't think so. He still doesn't treat me the same as he does my brothers (they always got a lot more freedom) but I do think he cares about me. I kind of wish that my parents would get divorced so I wouldn't need to cut my dad out of my life alongside my mom. But whatever. My hatred for her is greater than my love for him.

My two brothers were both on the list at one point. One brother I got into many shouting matches with him, up to about three years ago. He made the list when he told me G was a huge mistake. Since then he's grown up a bit. I'll never be friends with him or even love him as one should love a brother but he's off my list. The other brother has a ton of friends who he loves to invite over through all hours of the night. They are never quiet either. He was on my list for keeping me up many, many times when I needed sleep the most. He's off the list because his problem is mostly his youth and my mother's influence. (When I was in college, trying to get a few hours of sleep between finishing up homework and G's first of many wake ups, my mom told me I shouldn't tell my brother and his friends to be quiet because their right to have fun is more important than my right to sleep.)

See, only three people on my list. I'm willing to forgive most forms of stupidity and insanity as long as it isn't willful and malicious. C should've had no problem realizing my hatred of A's bio-dad.

Sickly

Just when I think I'm getting better, I get sick with something new. Friday, I don't even know what I was sick with but it was one of the few days I've called off work for me instead of the kids. I had a fever, headache, sore throat, and was so dizzy. I slept almost all day and I'm still not better even though today is Tuesday. What I need is sleep. I'll probably keep this illness for years. I've had a cold for over two months now that I just can't seem to get rid of. Rest and taking care of myself would go a long way.

My dad went away this weekend but my mom was around presumably to help me. She did a lot of complaining about how much work she needed to do instead. She complained about the reports that aren't due for over a week. She complained about laundry that was no big deal on Thursday suddenly became life or death on Saturday. She complained that it was too much work to watch both kids at the same time even though she raised three of her own. She had me watching A almost the whole weekend. When she watched G, she would just give him her iPad and get back to work.

Once again, she gets to walk away patting herself on the back for helping her failure of a daughter and I'm stuck wondering why I even bother asking for help when I know I'm not going to get it. She didn't even ask how I was feeling all weekend. She doesn't care about me. I'm still not feeling better, if that even matters to anyone...

Nightmare

I had a nightmare last night. A serial killer decided to target me. Well, not really me. I saw him try to prick someone with a needle that my dream knowledge told me contained drugs to make the person pass out. I stopped him and saved his would-be victim. He went after me next.

I ran as fast as I could. I was in a skyscraper that happened to have both my job and my apartment inside of it.  I ran from my apartment up to work and ran straight through to the exit. No one looked twice at me. No one tried to help. He always seemed to be in front of me wherever I ran. One of the scariest scenes I could remember, I saw a candy bowl on a table. Being the candy addict I am, I stopped to grab one. Inside the bowl, hidden under the candy, was the severed head of the woman I saved in the beginning of the dream. I ran on without any candy.

After running for miles, I came to the top of a hill which had a steep drop on one side. The killer was up there and he had a Harley Quinn-esque accomplice. They outnumbered me. I was sure they were going to push me off the cliff so I decided to get them first. I lunged at the girl and managed to ruin her balance. She fell off the cliff to her death. The guy was still the scarier one even tho he was shorter than me, wearing glasses and a plain brown suit. If he wasn't killing people, he wouldn't be intimidating in the least. I couldn't do it though. I was too scared to fight him. I ran away and kept running until I woke up.

Thank goodness I didn't have any of my kids or C in my dream. I always cry when they get hurt in my dreams. That's the only good I can see in that dream. The killer is still out there! What if I dream about him again tonight! I don't usually have nightmares, only when I'm stressed. I had nightmares every night when I was pregnant with G. Every night I would dream that people were trying to kill me. It was awful! I'm not sure what's leaving me so stressed this time...

Maybe California? C thinks he'll be deployed less than six months after he moves out there. That means I could move there after he is already gone. I am scared about having no one to help me with the kids. I don't think I'm scared enough for a nightmare though...

C Knows His Base...

...And we are off to... Camp Pendleton, California! Yay! It is going to be warm and sunny and oh so nice! I can't wait! C leaves December 17, but G, A, and I won't follow until April 15. I am going to finish one last busy season here first. It is part courtesy to the firm who gave me my first professional job and part strategic career move. After three busy seasons, one of which I'll be reviewing returns, I'll be able to be hired as a Senior. Promotion! My family had an odd reaction to the news but I'll explain that in another post.