California Issues

C found out that he will probably be deploying in February for around six or seven months. If this is true, it could be a big problem for us. I was planning to move to California with him after busy season ends. That would be mid-April to early May, I'd move with him. So I'd move out there and be all alone for several months. We knew this was a strong possibility. As much as it scares me, I'd rather move alone than be stuck here much longer. It would only be for a few months anyway.

C doesn't want me to go. He's always had trust issues. He's worried about me on a base filled with guys. Now let me say this: I have never cheated on him. I firmly don't believe in cheating. I feel like if you are attracted to someone enough that cheating is a possibility, then that's a sign your current relationship is wrong. The result would be to break up your current relationship. Simple as that. Whether or not you pursue the new relationship should be a completely separate issue.

I knew C was like this long before I married him. This is part of the reason why we didn't get married before he left for boot camp. So much of a long distance relationship is based on trust and communication. Those have always been our issues. We've gotten a lot better at them but this is clearly a big one.

I've always done what I could to ease his mind. Clearly, if I do something to make him seriously think I'm cheating, that would be just as damaging to our relationship as if I actually cheated. I've been doing all I can to never give him a reason to worry. I don't hang out one-on-one with guys. I don't go to bars or clubs. I rarely drink. (When I do drink, I usually ending up calling him anyway. All I want to do is ramble on and on to him when I drink. I'm a flirty drunk but he's the only one I want to flirt with.) When I move to California, this behavior will not change. If anything, I'll actually get more trustworthy. I won't know any guys and my antisocial personality will keep me from making new friends; I won't know where the bars and clubs are; I won't even have a babysitter I trust. My life out there will revolve around my kids and my job. Flirting with guys won't even enter my mind.

I am still worried about being in a completely new place all alone with two kids. It will be very difficult. I'm struggling right now and that's with support! I feel like I don't have time to get everything I need to done right now but I'm not taking on all the responsibilities I would in California. I don't grocery shop, I barely clean, and I don't need to bother with any repairs. On one hand, maybe it would be better to wait for C to return.

But then I think about what it would be like to stay...

I'm living with my parents. How pathetic is that? I feel awful about myself whenever I think about it. All I want is to be an adult and support my family. Instead, my mom is still nagging me to clean up my room. I'm stuck in this childlike limbo where I can't really be an adult. I don't take on adult challenges. I don't manage a household like an adult. I'm just a sad little former teen mom who got knocked up twice. I'm someone who deserves scorn because I'm just a pathetic excuse for a human being. I hate living with my parents! I hate it!

There's also a space issue. G, A and I are all crammed into one room. With my full size bed, a toddler bed, and a crib, there is very little space for us. I had enough furniture for a two bedroom apartment. All of that is now in one little room. I can't even unpack most of my boxes because there isn't space for everything. A doesn't even have a proper dresser again due to space issues. (My two brothers' rooms are unused about 75% of the time but we are not allowed to use those. Mom said they must be kept as they are for the holidays when my brothers return...)

I didn't think we would be here this long. It's almost been a year since I moved back with my parents. I need to get out!