My Favorite Hobby

I've been trying to have fun with my hobbies a lot more recently. It really helps me stay sane in my overworked life. When I was in college, I went without my favorite hobby, reading, for several months. It was awful. I finally started using half an hour of my precious sleep time for reading and I started feeling so much better. Now I have a Nook so I can read on the train during my obnoxiously long commute. I prefer this to trying to sleep on the train by a long shot.

I'm a really fast reader. (Yet another skill that helped me get through college.) I can do three books in two weeks on average. Keep in mind that the only time I read is on my commute. I started another blog to help others find good books. When I finish the book, I rate it out of five and write a brief paragraph about it. I don't like the way it's coming out right now so I might tweek it a bit later. Maybe I'll start writing multiple paragraph summaries? I'm not sure. I'm open to suggestions if there is anyone out there reading this blog...

I also need suggestions for which books to read. Right now I'm randomly choosing books based on what's available on my local library's website. Most of their ebooks are romance novels but I try to avoid those. I feel foolish for reading them. Not all problems are solved by finding a husband. Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to leave comments...

I love that library by the way. It is the same one that I used to escape to as a kid whenever my life got overwhelming. In high school, I used to ride my bike there to check out "one or two" books. I'd leave with over ten books even though I didn't bring a backpack. I'd have to carefully ride home with all the books in one arm while trying not to drop any. I can't control myself around books. They are my weakness. They are my escape.

I'll admit, I tend to binge read when I'm really upset. At the peak of my depression, I was reading 1-2 books a day. I had to keep reading in order to avoid crying. That's one thing I look out for: if I read too much it means I'm avoiding real life.

On that happy note, check out my new blog:
http://reviewingbookbookbooks.blogspot.com/

Studying for the CPA

A coworker was just talking to me about the CPA exam. I've passed all four parts already and she only took her first test yesterday. She said she was jealous that I passed them all so quickly and easily. What she didn't know was that I studied a lot for these exams. It also took a lot for me to be able to stay up all night studying, sleep for less than four hours, and still be a functioning individual the next day. I had to work hard to get that ability.

I was in college full time when G was a baby. That was not easy. I was also working. The job started out as part-time to make sure I could handle the school work. Then I switched to full-time. Then I added an additional part-time job. All of this while watching G almost every night. (C worked nights back then so he could watch G during the day. We couldn't afford day care back then.) G didn't suffer from my crazy schedule. He developed close bonds with his dad and his grandparents in addition to me. He was also extremely smart. He was able to read all his letters by the time he was 18 months old. Where was I going with this again? Oh yea, my school.

I made sure to try 110% in college. If I failed, I wouldn't get a second shot. If my grades slipped, I'd lose my scholarship and have to drop out. I needed to keep my GPA above 3.5 to keep my scholarship. I worked my butt off. The first two semesters after G was born, I made the Dean's List both times. I got less than 3 hours of sleep a night and survived mostly on caffeine. My day would start with two cups of coffee. I would supplement with energy drinks and quad lattes (4 shots of espresso) during the day as needed. Nights were filled with another pot of coffee and several sodas. I've since cut back dramatically on the caffeine but that was the only way for me to stay awake at the time.

Compared with college, studying five hours a day for the CPA exam while raising G and working full-time was a breeze. I've earned the ability to function on little sleep. No one can take that away from me. However, I wouldn't wish my "training" on my worst enemy.

Depression

C admitted to me yesterday that he's depressed too. He's just so homesick. I get it. It's been tough for him being away from all of us for so long. We even planned on meeting this weekend for Labor Day but that got cancelled. He's not allowed to leave the base because he's considered a student. I was going to visit him even though it was a seven hour car ride with two kids but that's no longer possible either. The hotel on base is already booked for the long weekend. I was looking forward to finally seeing him again. The last time I saw him was June 23, three days after our wedding.

Even though C told me that he's depressed, I couldn't admit to the same. I've always had a hard time confiding in others about my depression. It's just so personal. Besides, he doesn't really need to know. There's nothing he could do. It would just make him worry.

I confided in C about my depression before, when we first started dating. Back then, he said he didn't believe in depression. I guess he thought by double digit suicide attempts were my way of having fun? I'm not sure. I'm glad he changed his belief. It took a lot to make him realize. He helped me recover from my last attempt. He watched me throw up blood. One of his best friends was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt too. Now my poor C is experiencing depression himself. Life seems to have a cruel sense of humor.

First Day of School

I just received a picture message from my sister-in-law. Two of my nephews just finished their first day of school today. (Side note: I find it more strange that I have nieces and nephews than a son and daughter. Is that weird? I actually have a lot of nieces and nephews now that I'm married. Three nieces and six nephews!) They looked so grown up in the picture even through they are both the same age as G. I've known them both since they were babies! One was a wild child who put everything into his mouth and had a constantly messy face. The other was the tallest and strongest of the four cousins that were born within a month of each other. He was also, strangely enough, the "crybaby" of the group. I mean no negative connotation for that. I simply mean that he was the one that cried easiest if things didn't go his way. In the picture, both boys look so clean cut in their little uniforms! It's adorable!

G could be off to preschool this year just like his cousins. I decided against it though. The day care that he is at now is pretty spectacular. It is structured to mimic the school experience for the older kids. They do units, go on field trips, and learn basic things like the alphabet, numbers, days of  the week, etc. This year he even gets to learn Spanish! Hopefully he is able to learn it. C's family speaks to him in Spanish all of the time but the only word he knows is leche! His day care is open from 7 am to 6 pm which is probably the number one reason I kept him there this year. None of the preschools around me would be able to watch him for the hours I need to work.

Next year, he won't have a choice; he'll have to start kindergarten. I'm both dreading and looking forward to that day. I'll get to take a cute first day of school pic too and I'll get a break from these outrageous day care costs... But my little boy, my baby, won't be so little anymore. He'll start the slow transition out to the real world. He'll have to start facing problems on his own without my overprotective form of help. He'll have opportunities to fail. I'm so scared for him to grow. Right now he's excited about growing up. All he can see are the exciting experiences he'll gain like staying home alone or riding roller coasters. He doesn't see the wonderful things he's giving up or the potential dangers ahead.

I remember when I thought about growing up the same way. I used to dream of being 16. I thought that was the age of freedom. I thought being able to drive would give me freedom to escape. Once I realized I was wrong, I would dream of being 18. Too bad I was still in high school with 0 freedoms at that point. When I was 18, I tried to fight against my 10 pm curfew. I made a deal with my mom: if I get straight A's for the first semester while still taking the AP classes I planned to, I would have no curfew for the second semester. I fulfilled my end of the bargain. When I attempted to use my no curfew privilege, I was told that the deal was only for non-school nights even though this was never mentioned when the original deal was made. Oh and this also didn't apply to staying out all night. I was forbidden to go on sleepovers, even to girls' houses. I definitely rebelled after that broken deal.

Where was I going with this again? Oh yea. These kids that I knew as babies are growing up and going to school. I feel old.

Day Out With Thomas

I talked to C about how worthless I feel. He said all the nice things he's supposed to as my husband. He said that I'm so much more successful than him and he'e trying to keep up, that he loves me, and that he doesn't know what he would do without me. It was nice to hear but it would be nicer to believe it...

This weekend, I took G out to the railway museum's Day Out With Thomas event. It was supposed to be the greatest vacation ever for him. He's completely obsessed with Thomas the train. However, he hated it. It was so hot, there was a long drive, and there were so many people there. G was upset that we rode in a passenger car instead of right inside Thomas. He didn't like that we didn't buy anything from the gift shop ($15 - $25 for a tiny little train! No way!) It was awful!

After our train ride, we walked around the outdoor museum. He refused to see any trains that weren't Thomas. He refused to do any activities. Finally he agreed to go in the bouncy castle. When his turn was over, he wouldn't leave. I counted to three but he still didn't listen. As soon as he came out, we left. He was dragging his feet and screaming the whole way out. As punishment, he lost his Thomas toy and didn't get a cookie with his lunch.

After we got home, he was acting better so I decided to take him to the library. This kid loves the library as much as I do! It's so awesome! Too bad I didn't realize that this weekend was the summer carnival, which happens to be located right in front of the library. There was no parking anywhere. I took my crying boy back home with no new books. It was a disappointing weekend for him, although I did get some cute pictures that went straight up onto Facebook.

Poor A didn't have a better weekend even though she did get to spend Sunday bonding with her grandparents. She caught a cold on Friday. Four times awake Friday night and Saturday night! And she didn't sleep well during the day! My poor baby!

On the bright side, her motor control is getting much better. Anything within reach can now be expected to end up in her mouth including but not limited to: my glasses, my hair, and G's trains. I'm still so proud of my baby!

Sad :(

Either the stress is catching up with me or I have postpartum depression. Everything has been so overwhelming lately. I catch myself crying for stupid reasons all the time. I expect everyone to yell at me or talk to me like I'm nothing. I guess that's true though. I'm worthless. I haven't accomplished anything. My kids deserve a better mom than me. I suck as a mom. I'm always working. I'm strict. I don't have the patience to deal with G stalling before bed or A falling asleep just to wake up the moment sleep feels like a real possibility for me. I can't keep up with the laundry. I leave messes everywhere as my mother has been kind enough to point out several times this week. I can't manage money. I can't afford to move away from my parents. Even if I could, I couldn't handle raising my kids with no help. One day, when they grow up, they'll realize how useless and weak I am. They'll hate me. They'll be ashamed at what a failure I am. C will end up leaving me eventually. Who would want to stay with such a pathetic failure? I'm not even pretty. I used to think I was smart but clearly I'm not. Smart people don't get knocked up at 19. And 20. And 22. I'm so worthless. My family deserves better.

Favoritism

Well, I think my heart might be broken. G has a favorite parent and it isn't me. It isn't even C. His favorite "parent" is actually his grandma, my mom. I love him more than anything! Everything I've done, I've done it for him! He means the world to me! I know I'm physically away from him for most of the day but it's only because I work. Even work I do for him. I have to provide. We can't be another teenage mom horrible statistic. When I get home I guess I do spend more time with A than with him. She cries constantly when my mother holds her. At least that kid knows who is truly a good person. While I'm holding A, my mother gets G everything he needs: food, milk, toys, etc. She also spoils G as grandmothers are supposed to. I have to be the harsh disciplinarian. I hate this.

It is even worse considering what an awful mom my mother was to me. She didn't care that I was diagnosed with depression at age 14. She never hugged me or said "I love you." I'm pretty sure she never loved me at all. She always criticizes me to the point of tears, even now. I'm glad she's treating G better than she treated me but I still don't trust her with the emotional well-being of my son.

Upcoming Plans

Now I'm the type of person who prefers to spend all day at home doing nothing. Going out seems more like a chore than a fun activity. However, I have some extensive road trips planned. Next weekend G and I are meeting up with one of my guy friends to go to the Railway Museum to meet Thomas the Train. G is obsessed with that train! It's a good hour drive but at least my parents are watching A so I only need to entertain one kids in the car.

My other big plans are still a maybe right now. C will be in an adjacent state in a few weeks. He either gets a three or four day weekend for Labor Day and I get a four day weekend. We will hopefully meet up while he's there. Again, this will be a car ride I'm not looking forward to. However, it will be worth it to see C again. Sometimes I wonder if I just made everything up. My brain can be convinced of some funny things in the middle of the night...

Working Hard

For those of you who don't know: the deadline for the extension of entity tax returns is September 15. This means we are bombarded with returns right now. Being the most senior preparer, I get all the complicated tax returns. It's actually pretty cool. The only downside is that I started to dream about balance sheets. They won't even balance in my dreams!

I won't be the most senior preparer for much longer. Soon I'll be the least senior reviewer! This week I was given my first return to review! So I picked one of the two preparers to give the return to and she already gave it back to me. Once I finish this monster of a consolidated return, I'll be able to review it! I'm so excited!

Also work related, I should be getting my CPA certificate soon. I can't hold out to the public as a CPA until I have that official form. It'll be an exciting day when I finally get to be a CPA! I'll have to start striving for something else soon. I'll probably go back to school for my masters degree. Having a full time job and taking care of two kids by myself just isn't challenging enough for me, I guess!

Update 8/15/13

Well, it's been a while. The charger for my laptop finally broke. It was in awful condition from when I had cats back before G was born. They used to chew on my charger all the time! The charger wasn't able to charge my laptop. It would give my laptop life while it was plugged in but it wasn't able to store any battery life in the laptop itself. The new charger finally came in so hopefully I can get back to writing more often.

Almost this whole time, I wasn't able to contact C. He said he would be away from his phone for training but it was still rough. I worry so much about him! I realized recently how angry I am that he isn't here with me. I seem to be taking out my anger on the Marines as an institution. The Marines took my love away from me and proceeded to torture him in the name of training! Who wouldn't be mad about that! This anger is triggered by just about anything that reminds me of the Marines: commercials about the military, news reports, people in a military uniform. One time I saw some sort of military guy on the train. I was so distracted by my anger that I was unable to read my book and I almost missed my stop!

I guess that is just my "momma bear" instincts coming through. There are very few people in this world that I would rick my life to protect. Most people I know, I wouldn't care that much if they got hurt. That sounds awful, I know. I have compassion for people however most of the time I'm apathetic about their situations. I want the best for C, G, and A. Those are the only people I would die for. Thankfully, it hasn't come to that yet.

I had a great weekend with G last weekend. One of my old high school friends came back. I hadn't seen her in over a year! She had never met A, even when my sweet baby was in my belly! Anyway, G, my friend and I decided to tie dye some T-Shirts. It was a blast! Extremely messy by the way, but fun. G picked out the colors so we had light blue, dark blue, and green. (He's now in a stage where he only likes "boy things." I don't know where he got this idea because I try to teach him that there is no such thing as boy things/ girl things but he still says stuff like that all the time!) The T-Shirts came out amazing if I do say so myself.

A is getting bigger. She is sitting up on her own much better now although she still falls over constantly. She smiles and laughs at almost anybody except between the hours of 4 pm and 7 pm. I'm not sure why but she is always in a bad mood during this time. She is now able to grasp things and bring it to her mouth. Everything goes into her mouth! I'm hoping it's just because she's teething. G was never a big chewer.

This weekend is going to be exciting too, so hopefully I'll write again soon!

Money

The good news: my paycheck was over double the usual this week because I got a bonus for finishing all my testing for the CPA exam and I got reimbursed for my FSA dependent care for June. Yay!

The bad news: a whole lot of unexpected expenses!

• I got billed by the hospital for an extra $1,450 regarding A's birth. I called the hospital to see what this was. The lady I talked to said the insurance company denied my claim because they needed to ask me some questions so the hospital billed me for the whole amount. I call the insurance company. They said the doctors didn't send them all the paper work they need so they denied the claim. They also said the hospital was wrong for billing me and I should not pay this. (Fine by me!) I call the doctor's office and explain the situation. The receptionist took down my information, said she'd look into it, and promised to call me back. Over 12 hours and no call back. This situation is not resolved yet.
• The cost of parking my car by the train went up from $5 a day to $12 a day with no warning. I guess it's back to street parking and risking getting mugged or worse. (The train only runs through very dangerous neighborhoods this early in the morning. Ugh!)
• The charger for my laptop broke. I need to buy a new one or I won't be able to use the laptop. Or I could buy a new laptop... Nope, I'll buy the charger!
• My cousin's future wife's bridal shower is this weekend. I need to buy her a gift. Thankfully she registered at Target so I can find her something affordable. I'll probably buy the wedding gift now too just to save time. 
• Day care. This one is expected but it is still a painful bill. Over $2,000 a month! I'm lucky I can pay that on a starting salary!

I can't talk to C and I don't have access to his bank account either. (Online banking locked me out!) So at least we'll have a big chuck of cash sitting there once I can finally access it. Until then, all of our bills are coming from my pay check.

Nightmares

I had a nightmare the other night. It was pretty much a classic horror movie right off the silver screen. The horrors would give little signs that they were about to appear like sounds or flashing lights. I even caught a few glances of them. Then... BAM! They would appear right in my face! There were two of them haunting me: the pale dead girl with the long dark hair in her face and the dead fisherman with his old fashioned lantern. Classic horror villains! The scariest part of all is after they appeared in my face, they wouldn't try to hurt me at all. They went after G and A. Is there a worse feeling than knowing someone wants to harm your loved ones and knowing it's almost impossible to save them? I had a hard time leaving A that morning when I woke up.