Reaching Out Fail

I texted C. I told him I've been feeling really down and asked if I could call him tonight. I meant it as "call me because hearing your voice cheers me up." He took it as the dreaded "we need to talk." It took a good half an hour before I convinced him I was not going to break up with him. Oops!

Sad, Sad Me

C is coming home Wednesday. It has been over three months since I've seen him. He'll stay here for a week. He will take us out to museums, parks (weather permitting), and out to eat. He'll spend some much needed bonding time with G and get to know A. We'll even get to go on a date night finally.

I should be excited, right? I was excited when he first told me. Today, I'm not. I guess my depression is acting up. I can't seem to shake the feeling that he settled for me. That he's only visiting me out of obligation but he'll spend time with his friends because he wants to. I think they'll try undermining our relationship. They don't like me; C has told me this himself. They are probably right. Why should a sexy, outgoing, fun-loving guy like C have to put up with me. I'm antisocial to the point where I can't say anything when I'm in a group. I don't like to leave the house at all. My self-esteem is (clearly) nonexistent. I'm skinny but not athletic. I'm an extremely lightweight drinker. Even G tells me that my job is boring. I'm forgetful, moody, and prudish. I take no pride in my appearance: I don't wear makeup and if I could, I'd wear pajamas all day everyday. Why would anyone want me?

I'm really tempted to text C, asking him why he settled for me. Is it worth it to be honest in this case? Should I even bother him with my problems when he's in no position to help? I don't want to appear weak to him, even though I clearly am. I don't want to screw up my good fortune. I probably will eventually. It's not like I can do anything right. He will eventually realize who I really am and he'll leave. I understand. If I could leave me, I would too.

It has gotten to the point where I know I should get help. I'm probably not going to, though. I want to try being a surrogate. When filling out applications, there are always questions about whether you have been treated for depression. I need to be able to say no to that or my application will be denied. I already applied once and was denied. I have to wait until I try again. (The companies I considered have a requirement that the applicant has no plans to move for a while. I'll try again after I move to be with C.) This is something I really want to do so I guess I'll just suffer for now.

A Babysitter for A

Here's the story of A's first six weeks and my attempt to go back to work:

My job does not offer paid maternity leave. I can use as much of the PTO that I've accrued and all the earned overtime PTO from tax season. After that, I'm left with unpaid time off. With countless bills to pay, being unmarried at the time, and C was away at boot camp (AKA unreachable) I depended on my pay checks. Despite an extra 96 hours of time off from the two month long busy season, I did not accrue enough time off when A was born in April. I had no choice but to try to return as soon as possible.

G is in day care. Despite a few administrative problems I've had with them, overall I like his day care. I trust them. I wanted A to go to the same day care. They don't accept kids younger than six weeks old and I only had three weeks of PTO. I needed to find a babysitter.

I thought about the people who I know that would have time to watch A during traditional work hours. Luckily, college courses were out at that time and one of my brothers was in college. He didn't want to do it but one of his friends agreed to do it. (This friend was a guy but don't take my experience as an example that all guys make awful babysitters. I truly believe that that blame falls on the individual, not the gender.) We worked out the hours he would need to be here and the rate I would pay. He can over one day so I could show him how to take care of A. That was that! I was worried the first day I went back to work but all mothers are.

It was awful! I'm glad nothing worse happened but I still get heart palpitations when I think about what my baby went through that day! It started off bad. He had planned on sleeping over the night before so he wouldn't be late and so he could have some extra time to hang out with my brother. It turns out that he stayed up past 4 am, knowing he had to wake up at 7 am. I heard them still playing their video games in the basement when A woke up for a feeding. It got worse.

He didn't pay attention to me when I told him about how to feed my baby. I chose to formula feed for personal reasons. He didn't listen to how to make the formula or how often she should eat. He mixed one scoop of powder with 3 oz of water when it was supposed to be one scoop with 2 oz of water. Worse, he only fed her once. Meaning from 7 am when my parents left until 4:30 when they got back, my three week old daughter only had one bottle. My brother and his friend were wondering why she cried the whole time! They were starving her! My poor baby! She had food right there but they didn't think to feed her again! She ate every two hours with me!

I was so mad; I couldn't even look at him.

The next day I needed him to babysit again so I could talk to my boss about taking unpaid time off. I wrote down extremely detailed instructions that a child could follow. I left my cell phone number and my work number. Screw the bills; my daughter needed me.

Thankfully, I have a very understanding office manager. She talked to the partners after I told her my plan and got them to agree to let my PTO hours go negative so I could still receive paychecks. My dad was also a huge help. He took off a few days each week so I wouldn't have to miss as much work. (Good news: I finally break even on my time off at the end of October. Starting mid-November, I can take a day off if I need to!) I was able to avoid financial ruin while still making sure my kids are taken care of.

I still wonder from time to time just how stupid my brother and his friend are. They saw me feeding A a lot those first few weeks. They heard me complain that she's constantly eating. I explained that she should not be fed with less than an hour between bottles but longer than that it's ok. Why didn't they realize she needed to eat? I can't blame their age. They are twenty! I figured out who to take care of G when I was nineteen. I had no experience with babies before him. He was the first baby I've ever changed or fed. My brother has helped with G before. It's like they just didn't care enough about A. They didn't care with making sure she didn't starve. They didn't care if she lived.

I don't trust babysitters anymore. It's not worth the risk. I'd rather rely on (older) family members who have experience with kids.

Little Green Monster

Yesterday, all the women in my office went out to lunch to celebrate my coworker's pregnancy. This is her last week as Saturday she's flying to Korea to have the baby over there with her family. It was nice having lunch with everyone. We were able to talk about "girl things" like cooking and pregnancy foods to avoid. I rarely go out with friends (and even then, only once in a blue moon do I get to go out without kids.) It was nice. One of the partners of my firm even picked up the tab so I had one less thing to feel guilty about at the end of the day.

My only problem is that I did not get invited out to eat with everyone when I was pregnant. Do the people here not like me? Were they ashamed of my (at the time) single mother status? Am I an embarrassment to the company?

The situations are different. She is planning on taking time off before she goes into labor; I expected to go to work on April 25 right up to the moment my water broke.We have very little work right now; I was due right after tax season. She's planning to take three months off; I expected to take only three weeks off. (That's  a story for another time.) Her husband is well off (or so I've heard); I was unmarried at the time. I clearly needed to come back; she has the option of being a stay-at-home.

Are those reason's enough? Am I being insecure or was I slighted?

No Sleep

Worst night in a long time! A did not want to sleep! To call it the worst is really saying something, too. This past weekend, she woke up every two hours like clockwork. A couple weeks ago she had a pattern of waking up at 3 am and staying awake until 5 am. None of that felt as bad as last night. She refused to let me put her down until 12:30 am. She would fall asleep in my arms but the moment I put her down, she would be wide awake. She didn't want a bottle or a pacifier. She would cry unless she was chewing on my hair. It was enough to make me wish I could try sleep training. Of course I can't because that would wake up G. He needs his sleep more than I do.

I tried sleep training with G when he was a baby. I only tried once though. He screamed until he threw up. That was that. It was better for him to fall asleep with me holding him. He wasn't cut out for that method of sleep training. Of course, A has a different personality. She might be more willing. I've seen her fall asleep with no bottle, rocking, or anyone holding her before. Oh well. Maybe things will get better in time. Maybe. Until then I'll try to keep my depression in check and dream of getting a full night's sleep.

Trouble of the Introvert

I've always been shy, painfully shy. I guess it's more of a social phobia than "shy." I have incredible trouble talking with people. I never know what to say! As a by-product of this, I've had trouble with relationships with people. Sometimes, even when I've known people for a while, I can't talk around them. Many of my friends have abandoned me over the years and I have trouble making new ones. I think people get bored of me. For the most part, I've gotten used to it. I can't help it. I can't change it. I should just accept that about myself, right?

The problem is C. What if C doesn't like me anymore? What if our conversation gets too stale for him? We mostly communicate through text messages so this seems like a real possibility. I might bore him. Of course thinking that makes it worse. Suddenly every silence becomes an uncomfortable one. All I can think about is how I should be talking. Ugh! I panic! What do I say? I should say something, anything. But in that moment I can't. We already broke up once in our turbulent past because of this. I worry it will happen again.

I'll have trouble making friends if I move with him. I'm too shy. People don't like me. None of his friends even like me! If we have marital problems after I move to be with him, I'll have no one to turn to! I could easily end up alone because of this. I'm scared. I'll have no one...

A Very Boring Person Writes Here

Not much to say. I'm a pretty boring person, in case you haven't figured that out by now. I had both kids by myself this weekend. No back up! I survived even though A woke up every two hours both nights. G had a fun weekend. He got to play with his cousins and he got a haircut. A started eating a lot more solid food. She cried whenever I ate but didn't share with her. She flipped over from her back to her stomach for the first time. She's also chewing on everything in sight. Perhaps tooth number two is on its way. C barely texted me all weekend. He called, but wanted to talk to G, not me. Like I said, I'm that boring...