Sad, Sad Me

C is coming home Wednesday. It has been over three months since I've seen him. He'll stay here for a week. He will take us out to museums, parks (weather permitting), and out to eat. He'll spend some much needed bonding time with G and get to know A. We'll even get to go on a date night finally.

I should be excited, right? I was excited when he first told me. Today, I'm not. I guess my depression is acting up. I can't seem to shake the feeling that he settled for me. That he's only visiting me out of obligation but he'll spend time with his friends because he wants to. I think they'll try undermining our relationship. They don't like me; C has told me this himself. They are probably right. Why should a sexy, outgoing, fun-loving guy like C have to put up with me. I'm antisocial to the point where I can't say anything when I'm in a group. I don't like to leave the house at all. My self-esteem is (clearly) nonexistent. I'm skinny but not athletic. I'm an extremely lightweight drinker. Even G tells me that my job is boring. I'm forgetful, moody, and prudish. I take no pride in my appearance: I don't wear makeup and if I could, I'd wear pajamas all day everyday. Why would anyone want me?

I'm really tempted to text C, asking him why he settled for me. Is it worth it to be honest in this case? Should I even bother him with my problems when he's in no position to help? I don't want to appear weak to him, even though I clearly am. I don't want to screw up my good fortune. I probably will eventually. It's not like I can do anything right. He will eventually realize who I really am and he'll leave. I understand. If I could leave me, I would too.

It has gotten to the point where I know I should get help. I'm probably not going to, though. I want to try being a surrogate. When filling out applications, there are always questions about whether you have been treated for depression. I need to be able to say no to that or my application will be denied. I already applied once and was denied. I have to wait until I try again. (The companies I considered have a requirement that the applicant has no plans to move for a while. I'll try again after I move to be with C.) This is something I really want to do so I guess I'll just suffer for now.