Halloween

Happy Halloween! We will be trick or treating as soon as I get back from work. Too bad it's raining right now. I hope it stops before this evening. G will be going as Thomas the Tank Engine, again. It's the same costume he wore last year, but he wanted to wear it again. How could I say no to that! A will be Winnie the Pooh. That's the costume G wore for his first Halloween. I was lucky this year. Since we already had both costumes, I spent no time or money on shopping for what they want. This will not happen again next year, I know it already.

Last night I got into another fight with C. I was on Facebook when I saw some of his status updates. He plans on going to clubs with several of his female friends and dancing with them. I am definitely not ok with this. Something about alcohol, friends who hate me, and women grinding up against him seems like a very bad idea to me. We texted quite a bit last night about this. I told him he was acting single. He was getting defensive, asking me what married men were supposed to act like. I told him they don't spend more time with friends than their family, they don't go out drinking every night, and they don't stay overnight at a female friend's house especially after their wife asked him not to. Then I sent him one more text: "They don't make their wife cry."

I think it was the last text that finally made him realize that this was a big deal to me. He apologized. He said all he wanted to do was spend time with his friends and that he didn't want any one else but me. He was going to do karaoke instead of the club. He promised this time would be different than last time. The only difference I see is that he invited me along Thursday and Friday. I'll trust him on this, for now.

Tradition

I'm so mad right now! The surprising thing is that I'm not even mad at C, even though our Thanksgiving plans have not been settled yet. Nope, I'm mad at my book. I'm reading the third "Game of Thrones" book. I'm a little over halfway through it, which I've been informed is about where the TV show is. This part has already happened in the show but beware the spoiler anyway.

***Spoiler Alert***

I just read about the Red Wedding. That's the celebration where Catelyn and Robb Stark are killed. What. The. Heck!!! They were my favorite characters! They can't be dead! It must be a trick like Brandon and Rickon. Or maybe they'll rise again? Please don't let them be dead. If the author keeps killing off characters there'll be no one left!

The book is so intriguing. The plot is going in so many ways at once. Every time I have a prediction about what's going to happen, a new twist happens and I'm completely wrong. I'll admit, I keep hoping the show gets "nicer." I want a happy ending for the characters but everything keeps getting worse and worse. Maybe I'm more like Sansa than I think. I want everything to happen like one of her songs. I want the knights to be good and the maidens happily married. I want the just to rise and the evil to be punished. That doesn't seem to be happening so far. The honorable are being killed and the conniving are prospering. It's so frustrating!

I guess I have a strong sense of tradition. This is the way things are supposed to be. I get very upset when something happens that does not fit that picture. I hate that the main characters Ned Stark and King Robert die right away in the book. I hate how C does not want to celebrate Thanksgiving as a family. I see these as an offense to my moral code.

I once read a book called "The Fairy Godmother" by Mercedes Lackey. (I may have even read it twice.) The book talks of a magic called the Tradition, which tries to force people's lives into classic fairy fairy tales if the individual shows signs of a certain story. For instance, if a girl grows up forced to do excessive amounts of cleaning, the Tradition will try to force her life into Cinderella. She'll meet a prince, fall in love, and live happily ever after. It's a great book but I won't get into the details more than I already did.

My point is that I'm like the Tradition when I read a story. I want the characters to match familiar stories so they could all live happily ever after. It is really making me mad that the author doesn't seem to want to follow the tradition.

Defining Family

C said that he will probably come back for Thanksgiving! Yay! He also said that I should let him know my schedule so we could pick a night to spend together. That's the good news. There's bad news. Of course there's bad news. I asked where he wanted to spend Thanksgiving on the assumption we would spend it together. His family doesn't do much and he doesn't like spending time with my family so I offered to cook for him. (My parents will be in another state so we could have a nice dinner just the four of us.) He said no, he'll spend the holiday with his family.

Two things I find wrong with that.

1) He wants to spend the holiday apart from us.

Holidays are supposed to be spent with the people who matter most to you. Why doesn't he want to see me and the kids? Why won't he invite us with his family? Do we even matter at all to him. At one point during C's last visit, he was planning on not seeing us one weeknight because he made other plans with his friends. He was going to blow us off until I reminded him how upset G would be. He accused me of trying to make him feel guilty for wanting to have fun until I reminded him that I'd be the one to deal with G's crying. After that, he decided to meet his friends a little bit later so he could see G. I know he cares for G so it must be me he doesn't value.

2) I'm not included as a part of his family.

At what point does the definition of family change? Clearly a girlfriend is not family. But surely a wife would be considered family? Kids should definitely be considered family. Why have I not been elevated to the "family" definition? Why is his family his parents, brothers, and sisters but not G, A, and I? When will he treat me with respect befitting a family member?

Maybe that's the problem. He's treating me like a girlfriend. It's acceptable to blow off a girlfriend to spend time with friends. Girlfriends aren't always included in holiday plans. Girlfriends are not family. But I'm not his girlfriend! I'm his wife! We are supposed to have a special bond more important than any friendship! Or is my definition wrong? I certainly don't feel that special to him. Why did he even bother to marry me if he didn't want the family role that came along with it?

Resolution

I posted before about a problem that has come up in C and my marriage: I don't feel like I'm a priority in his life. I talked to him more about it this weekend. He swears that he'll have more time for us when we see him more often. He says that he didn't see me much because of our living situations. I still live with my parents until I can move with him and he stayed at his parents' house (or really his female friend's) for the visit. He said he didn't invite me out with them because I was always complaining about how tired I am and because I don't like his friends. I stayed up late deliberately for him! I knew I would be even more tired than usual! Honestly, I don't like his friends. They are unambitious druggies with shaky morality when it comes to the law. Plus they don't like me. But he still never invited me. Not once. I guess we are "ok" again but I feel like our problems have been covered up, not solved. I doubt this will be the last time we fight over this issue.

Sickly Morning

It has been a hectic morning already! G woke up with a lot of discharge coming from both of his eyes. Yuck! A's lower eyelid on her right eye has been swollen since Saturday. She was supposed to have an appointment that day for her six month check-up, but her doctor had a medical emergency so it was canceled. Between both kids' eye problems, I thought it would be a good idea to visit the doctor this morning during the walk-in hours.

I'm glad I took them. It has put my mind at ease. G does not have pink eye. The discharge is from mucus backup from his cold. (Double Yuck!) He does have the beginnings of a cold so I have to keep an eye on him for any symptoms. The doctor said it will most likely clear up on its own though. A has a sty in her eye. I'm so glad it is nothing worse. I need to place warm, wet cloths on her eyes three times a day until it gets better. Crisis adverted!

Love

I started a fight with C yesterday. I didn't mean to; I was so tired everything that's been weighing on my mind came out. The fact that he spent his one week back home with his friends more than with his family really upset me. He stayed overnight at one of his female friend's house TWICE! After the first time, I had asked him not to do it again. I told him it made me uncomfortable. What does he do? The very next day, he calls me to pick him up from the same girl's house! He thought it would be ok because he claimed he was there as a part of a group.

How would that make it ok!?! He has slept with this girl before! He was drinking a lot while out with these friends! None of his friends like me! For all I know, they encourage him to cheat when he's there. I'm never invited along. This group tends to get wild so he might do something at their insistence that he doesn't think is cheating but it is something I don't approve of.

Why doesn't he think about how this would make me feel? Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? Does he even love me at all or does he love that I have no means of finding out if he's faithful?

He said he spent so much time with his friends because they are fun. Meaning I'm not fun. Hanging out with our kids is not fun. Being a family is not fun. Being man and wife is not fun.

He called them family. I guess I'm not...

Getting married was a bad idea. He's not ready for it. He doesn't want me or the kids. He wants us to wait patiently at home out of the way for him while he still has all the fun of his single days. I made a huge mistake.

I don't even know how to fix it. I don't want a divorce. I just want my husband to want me. I want to be a priority in his life. I want to feel like I'm important to him. I feel like if I left him, all he would feel is relief. Is my marriage salvageable?

The whole fight started when we started talking about having another baby. C does not want any more kids. He didn't want any kids even before G was born. For a while, I agreed with him. Why would I want someone who would hate me? Someone whose life I would probably ruin? Then G was born. I hadn't realize the intense feelings of love that come from having a baby. G was the first person to ever make me feel loved unconditionally. After he was born, I wanted more. I wanted to feel loved.

I do feel the love from G and A. It's just C that isn't meeting my needs. I would be satisfied with only two kids if C was willing to step up. It's like I have this giant hole in my life that needs love to fill it. If the love can't come from C then it has to come from kids. They certainly have no problem showing me how much I mean to them.

Reading!

G read a book to me last night! I am trying to teach him to read even though he is only four. He knows several sight words. Most of them are typical ones like "the" and "and" but he also knows "Thomas," "Gordon," "engine", etc. He can also spell his name and "Thomas" from memory. I'm so proud! In all honesty, he only read about 75% of the words last night. I had to help him with the rest. He also guessed a lot. He would look at the first letter and guess a word that made sense with that letter. He wouldn't sound out words unless I told him to. We still have a lot to do before he knows how to read for real but it was still the most exciting Thomas book we've read in a while!

This Weekend

I can't seem to find my post about my weekend so I'll retype it.

We had a very busy weekend. I'll admit, most weekends we are lucky if we all get dressed both days. This weekend we were dressed, out of the house, and Saturday I even wore heels. I'll start with Friday.

Friday, I had to leave work early to pick up my kids. Usually my mom does this but she made plans. After I picked them up, we went straight to the library. G loves the library! He gets that from me. He needs limits placed on the number of books he can take or he'd borrow them all. This time we left with only eight. He also loves playing in the kids' section. They have computer games, puzzles, legos, puppets, and more! Even A was good while we were there. She's too young for the toys but she loves looking at all the colors. We stayed for about an hour before heading home for dinner. Neither kid fussed for one moment that we were there! Success!

Saturday was one of G's cousin's baptism. He's a bit old for a baptism but they had one for the four year old anyway. I didn't really know what to expect. I'd never been to a baptism before (besides my own) and it has been years since I've been in a church. I didn't even know I needed to dress up until the day before. We had some trouble when we first got there. I'll admit, it was 100% my fault. I have terrible insecurities and they sometimes get the best of me.

When we got to the church, there was a decent crowd inside. They all turned to look at us when we arrived but I didn't see anyone I knew. G, A, and I backed out slowly. I doubled checked the invitation. (It was in Spanish which didn't help my nerves.) I was at the right place and only ten minutes early. What was I doing wrong?

We walked back into the church. Keep in mind, I was wearing really tall heels and a skirt while holding a giant diaper bag, my purse, and a baby. I looked awkward! We took a seat in the back and decided to wait. G was getting fussy so we walked out to the steps to wait for someone we knew. Finally they showed up! They were just running late; I didn't do anything wrong at all! Of course, the ceremony was still awkward. I'm atheist, G has been to church with my mom maybe three times only, and A started crying halfway through. Can you feed a baby in a church? Oh well, I did.

We took several pictures before going home for lunch. We were all going to meet up for a party at a banquet hall for dinner. Thankfully, I was able to find my way there only getting lost once. G and A even kept their clothes clean enough to wear to the party! Yay! They weren't that dressed up. G was wearing a button up shirt (his "just-like-daddy" shirt) and khakis. A was wearing a black shirt with ruffles and khakis. I was wearing a blue work shirt that I know makes me look super skinny and a tan skirt. And huge Coach heels of course. I received many compliments on the shoes and many questions on whether my feet hurt. (Answer: yeah they did!) We weren't as dressed up as some of the other people at the party but I really didn't care.

The party was fun. C's family can get pretty wild. It also didn't help that there were more kids than adults. I love his large family. I wish my family was like that. I have a large extended family that lives far away but I rarely get to see them. His family is here all the time and they are always willing to help each other. It's great! I wish I wasn't driving so I could've had a drink with them. I had to be responsible, though.

G was clearly tired; it had been a long day for him. He didn't even get a nap! Still, I was very proud of him. He wasn't as rowdy as the other kids and he listened when someone told him no. He would pout at times, but he was still very well behaved. He only cried a little when we were the first ones to leave. (It was his bedtime and I was getting tired too.) Even in the car, he soothed his sister once she started crying. I told him when we got home that I was really proud of him. He even earned back some of his toys he lost during major temper tantrums in the past. I love that boy!

Sunday, G was invited to a birthday party for one of his school friends. He loved it and was very social. I, on the other hand, was awkward and aloof. All of the other parents are twice my age! I talked to one parent that graduated from the same high school as me. She went there in the nineties! Conversation ended when I told her I was the class of '08. She was one of the younger parents!

Some good did come from that party. One of G's friends has apparently been asking for a play date with G. His dad talked to me about it. He took my phone number and email so we could plan something. G has never had a play date with a school friend before. This will be a major first!

I'm hoping next weekend will be a bit more relaxing...

A Little Rant

I'm so tired of people not doing the things they are supposed to do. If you cannot do it, then say so. If you can do it and people are paying you to do it, then to not do it is just stupid. Two examples from just the past couple of days:

1. My parents had bought lunch meat the other day from Jewel but when we got home, we noticed the pack was already open. I took it back to the store with the receipt to do a simple exchange and buy something for G for school. Easy enough, right? Nope. The person doing returns clearly did not want to be there. He didn't look up at me the whole time I was explaining the problem. He just said to go get another one. Rude, but ok. I get another one and twenty bananas. There were no shopping carts inside. Clearly, someone didn't bring them in from the parking lot like they were supposed to. I walk to the self-checkout to pay for my bananas. The customer service desk does not have a scale, I know the code anyway, and the lane was right in front of the service desk. I thought this would be the most convenient way to complete my transaction. No one was at the desk. They already had my defective product and receipt so I just put the new meat into a bag without scanning it. To the person working the self-checkout lanes and any cameras, it would've looked like I was stealing the meat even though I wasn't. No one even looked at me. I could've actually stolen something and no one would've cared! The job is not that hard! I know, I've done it! I hate incompetence.

2. I'm supposed to be getting a new computer at work. The one I have now is old and slow. I received an email telling me to expect a new computer three weeks ago. The computers have arrive two weeks ago. The IT guy was here yesterday installing computers. Still no new computer! If your job is to show up and fix technology problems, how can you not install three computers in eight hours! It's laziness! He even asked for my password so he could configure my computer yesterday. No change. I hate the IT company we use!

Alright, rant over.

Tired Enough to Cry

A got her second tooth! I was hoping that would help her sleep through the night. No such luck! She's been waking up at least three times a night. Usually her 2:00 am wake up lasts for over an hour! Between her wake ups and all the chores I have to do after both kids are asleep, I've been getting less that four hours of sleep a night. I can't keep this up much longer! I'm exhausted! I've been falling asleep while feeding her. I can't help it. Thankfully I haven't dropped her. Sometimes my dad watches her so I can get an extra hour of sleep. My mom never even offers to help. She prefers to yell at me for whatever cleaning I didn't have time to get to. I can't wait to move out. I'll probably stop talking to her. I truly hate her. I forgot where I was going with this post... I'm tired...

A Bit Overdue...

It has been a while since I wrote. C's visit has come and gone. I really didn't feel like we spent a lot of time together. He helped me with the bedtime routine every night, we had one day with the kids, and one date night. That was it. He went out with his friends every night and slept all day. I wish we had spent more time together...

The day with the kids was a blast! We went to the Children's Museum. G was running around playing with everything. He loved climbing the giant rope course! His favorite things were digging for dinosaurs and the nighttime/ bug room. We read about bugs at home but he's never shown an interest in dinosaurs before. I don't know why he liked it so much.

I did feel left out at times; I had to hold A the whole time. She doesn't like C. I think she's going through that stranger anxiety phase. She doesn't seem to like anyone holding her but me and my dad. At one point G actually said to C, "A doesn't like you or your mom!" While that was true, the face that we weren't even talking about C's mom at the time made the quote hysterical! C was pretty upset that A didn't like him. He made an effort to hold her as much as he could before she started screaming. That's why I love him (even if A does not... Ha ha ha.)

Our date night was much less fun. We were both sick, tired, and were in the process of losing our voices. We kept it simple with dinner and a movie. His family watched both G and A. G was disappointed that he didn't see any of his cousins while A was upset that she wasn't with me. We wrapped up the date early enough that G could still make his bedtime and C would be able to hang out with his friends. (He couldn't miss even one night!) The day wasn't very romantic at all...

G was very fussy on our last night with C. He wouldn't let C read to him and he didn't say goodbye. G really didn't understand what was going on. The next day, he cried when I came home from work without Daddy. He was fussy for a while, but we are finally back to our usual routine.

Work has been very hectic lately. The deadline for extended returns was on the fifteenth so everyone has been working extra hard to get everything done. Only a few clients who STILL haven't given us what we need to complete their returns remain. There's only so much we can do. That is one of the reasons I haven't written lately.

The other reason is that I have been reading like mad whenever I'm not working or with the kids. I've started reading the Game of Thrones books. They are actually really good! I'm very skeptical whenever the general public likes something. The books were a bit longer than I expected. I checked out the first four books in a set on my Nook. The library only lets people check out books for two weeks. No option to renew is available when there is a waiting list, as in this case. Usually, I can read three books in two weeks. This time I finished one and a half. Like I said those books are long! I finally finished the second one and am now waiting for my hold on the third to become available.

Now I think this blog is officially caught up! Whew!

Selfish?

I'm trying really hard not to be mad at C right now. He came back and things have been great. But both nights he's been back so far, he's gone out with friends. He goes out, drinks with them, and then he sleeps all day. Funny thing is that I'm up all night too. A has had very bad nights lately. She not only wakes up repeatedly, but she stays up for a few hours each time. Last night I got four hours of sleep and only two of those hours were consecutive. I have to stay up all day at work and I'll have to repeat that kind of night again tonight. He can sleep all day while A is at day care! Why can't he help me for a few nights so I can regain my sanity?

Maybe I'm being unreasonable. He hasn't seen his friends in three months and he obviously misses them. He really can't even help me. My parents won't let him stay overnight with me and his parents decided to use his room for storage so now the four of us would not fit in there. A has developed stranger anxiety; she screams every time C holds her. It really isn't even possible for him to help.

I can't help feeling angry at him, though. I clearly need help. I can't keep up this pace by myself for much longer. I'm already depressed. Instead of helping with my stress, he goes out with friends! He's having fun while I'm completely miserable. Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want to help? Why do I feel so alone even though he's back?

Maybe I deserve to be selfish. I'm sure he wants to go out with friends, but he has responsibilities. He should be staying in with me. He should be helping me. I don't have to go through this alone. He said I do so he should help me! Why doesn't he realize this?

Almost Home

C is back in the city! Finally, after being gone for months, he's back! Technically he's still on the train coming home. Oh well. He's still back in the city and that's good enough for me!

Unfortunately, I can't be with him just yet. I still have no days off. So I have to attempt to work while knowing my love is a quick train ride away and there are helicopter stunts going on right outside my window. (I know that really has nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to show how hard it was to work right now.) Taxes have never seemed less interesting. I have to settle for texting C until I get home.

The plan is for C to meet me by my car at 6 pm. I drove my car to a station near his house so this plan could work. (It's a nice day and I'm missing out on roller blading. Oh well. It's worth it.) Then we will drive together to my house. Once we arrive, it's back to my usual hectic evening routine but with C's help. We'll get both kids fed, play with G, read together, and finally get G into bed. Hopefully A will fall asleep some time after that, giving C and I some precious alone time. That's the plan. What could go wrong?

Government Shutdown

I guess it was time I discussed current events on here. It is official: the budget has not been passed and there is a government shutdown. At first, I wasn't worried about the treat. This is clearly a major issue for a lot of people. However, I'm more concerned with how it harms my family. Life is better when I only worry about the people I care for the most: C, G, and A.

I naively thought it didn't affect me. Silly me, I had forgotten where C gets his paychecks. We could use his pay especially with his visit coming up. Right now I'm paying for all but one of our bills. He pays for court fines from his car accident, saves for a house, and sends money to his family. Other than that, all of his money is discretionary for us.

(Side note: I do consider both of our paychecks as "our" money. It just seems more reasonable to approach this as a team effort. However, we have not combined finances yet. We haven't had the opportunity, but even so, I think it will be a while before we do. We aren't able to communicate instantly anymore so it is hard to know how much needs to be set aside for bills right now. It is simpler to send each other money when the other needs it.)

The good news is that Obama agreed to pay military members their pay even if some other government workers are not getting paid. We'll be able to have a date night! C will take the family out to where ever G wants! I don't have to send him money so he can get home! Life will be just fine for us!

Of course, I have no idea if the military health insurance is still being funded so I hope G and A don't get sick until the new budget is passed. I haven't confirmed with C that he actually got paid yet. (We all know the media would never lie to us. Right? *sarcasm*) Even at my most optimistic, I have pessimistic thoughts!