Love

I started a fight with C yesterday. I didn't mean to; I was so tired everything that's been weighing on my mind came out. The fact that he spent his one week back home with his friends more than with his family really upset me. He stayed overnight at one of his female friend's house TWICE! After the first time, I had asked him not to do it again. I told him it made me uncomfortable. What does he do? The very next day, he calls me to pick him up from the same girl's house! He thought it would be ok because he claimed he was there as a part of a group.

How would that make it ok!?! He has slept with this girl before! He was drinking a lot while out with these friends! None of his friends like me! For all I know, they encourage him to cheat when he's there. I'm never invited along. This group tends to get wild so he might do something at their insistence that he doesn't think is cheating but it is something I don't approve of.

Why doesn't he think about how this would make me feel? Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? Does he even love me at all or does he love that I have no means of finding out if he's faithful?

He said he spent so much time with his friends because they are fun. Meaning I'm not fun. Hanging out with our kids is not fun. Being a family is not fun. Being man and wife is not fun.

He called them family. I guess I'm not...

Getting married was a bad idea. He's not ready for it. He doesn't want me or the kids. He wants us to wait patiently at home out of the way for him while he still has all the fun of his single days. I made a huge mistake.

I don't even know how to fix it. I don't want a divorce. I just want my husband to want me. I want to be a priority in his life. I want to feel like I'm important to him. I feel like if I left him, all he would feel is relief. Is my marriage salvageable?

The whole fight started when we started talking about having another baby. C does not want any more kids. He didn't want any kids even before G was born. For a while, I agreed with him. Why would I want someone who would hate me? Someone whose life I would probably ruin? Then G was born. I hadn't realize the intense feelings of love that come from having a baby. G was the first person to ever make me feel loved unconditionally. After he was born, I wanted more. I wanted to feel loved.

I do feel the love from G and A. It's just C that isn't meeting my needs. I would be satisfied with only two kids if C was willing to step up. It's like I have this giant hole in my life that needs love to fill it. If the love can't come from C then it has to come from kids. They certainly have no problem showing me how much I mean to them.