The Worst Weekend Ever

I knew this past weekend was going to start off bad. G was having his birthday party and he wanted it at Chuck E. Cheese. I hate that place. It's loud and expensive. All the kids in there are wild and rude. Some of the parents are too. I've never gone there and not had a parent cut in front of me in a line I was patiently waiting in. It drives me crazy. But it was G's birthday, not mine so he got to pick the place. C used to take G there all the time so I wonder if he likes it so much because it reminds him of his dad...

Anyway...

I decided to just invite G's cousins (all from C's side of the family) because there will be more than enough kids with just family. G loved it! He's best friends with one of his cousins (the one we spent the Fourth of July with) so he enjoyed himself. When I ask him who his friends are at school, he tells me he has no friends. I'm glad he'll say he's friends with his cousins though.

G had fun but I regretted how much money I spent on tokens and pizza. I also felt really tired when I got home. Really, really tired... I thought it was just the party that wore me out so I packed our bags to head up to Wisconsin for a vacation. My dad, A and I were only staying for the weekend but G is there all week. I miss the little guy already but he's having fun with my mom and aunt going swimming and stuff. Once we were packed and in the car, I started feeling really cold as in 'I have a fever'-cold. That's when I knew I was more than just tired. I also developed a headache and a sore throat. I was sick.

Thankfully, my dad agreed to take A overnight so I could get some sleep. I went to bed right away even though it was only 8 pm when we got there. I didn't sleep well through the night. I tossed and turned. I woke up several times. I wasn't better by the morning. I tried to take care of A as best as I could but my dad still had to help a lot. G was distracted with my mom and aunt still. I was ready to pass out at 7 pm when we got home. My dad agreed to watch A again that night.

Even without A waking me up, that was a bad night. I was sweating most of the night. I also woke up a lot similar to the night before. I'm also pretty sure that C called in the middle of the night and I talked to him for a bit. Either that or I had a very lucid dream about it. I don't remember the details about the conversation either way. I have to wake up at 4 am everyday this week. Without my mom to pick up A from day care, I have to get off work early to do it. (I usually get home half an hour after the day care closes.) So I'm going to work an hour early every day so I can leave an hour early. I don't have anymore days I can take off since I used almost all of my days off for 2013 during my maternity leave. The no days off thing also came into play yesterday. I was still feverish when I woke up but I had to go to work anyway.

I sweated the whole day at work and had trouble concentrating but I made it through. I felt better by the time I got home. I even watched A last night, no problems. My dad mentioned how hard it was watching her two nights in a row. I just laughed. It's like he never had kids of his own!

An Update on the Kiddos 7/26/13

A has been so fussy lately. I looked in her mouth yesterday while she was screaming to see if that tooth was close to popping through. It wasn't. I was surprised to see not just one white mark on her gums, but two. That's right; my poor, fussy baby is getting her first two teeth at once. No wonder she was so cranky! She isn't even getting her teeth in the right order. Normally, the center teeth grow in first. She's getting the ones right next to the center teeth on the bottom instead. G had his teeth come in out of order and quite early too so it makes sense.

G is four, like I mentioned previously. His party is tomorrow. However, the thing weighing most on my mind is his first memory. Sometime soon I believe, he will have his first memory that will last throughout his life. I wonder what it will be. Will it be a happy memory? Will it be about me? I wish I knew!

Random Thoughts From My Random Mind

C called me last night in the middle of the night. I somewhat remember looking at the phone and realizing who was calling me. Other than that, I don't remember a single thing about the conversation! Long story short: I need sleep because my brain seems to be missing. Here are some quick highlights from my day:

A is obviously teething. She's so fussy all the time! And the drool! Yuck! She soaks through her own shirt and the shirt of whoever happens to be holding her.

I'm getting a bonus in my next check for passing the CPA ethics exam. Combine that with a payout from my day care flex spending account and my paycheck will be nearly double this pay period.

Speaking of money, C gave me all his bank information so I could use some of his money for my bills but the online system isn't working. I need to go to the bank with the Power of Attorney papers to access the account.

At work, I'm planning an Excel presentation. I'm not very technology savvy but I took a required course in college on Excel. I know more about the program than most people so I'm seen as the expert. I'm actually looking forward to this!

I just got a text from C. He won't be able to text me for two weeks. It's going to be a long two weeks.

That's all! Good night!

G's Birth

As I mentioned yesterday, G just turned four. These years just flew by. I can still remember what it felt like on that fateful day four years ago...

I was very impatient to give birth. I was huge and hot all the time. (This was actually during a cold summer so I was the only one who was hot.) It was the week of my family vacation. I was planning on sticking around for three days due to work before joining everyone in Wisconsin by catching a ride up there with my uncle. Because I was 39 weeks along, I had C sleepover just in case I went into labor at night. He slept over the first two nights with nothing significant happening. The third night I had planned on staying alone because my uncle was coming to pick me up at 7 am and I knew C would not be able to wake up and leave before that.

In hindsight, staying alone was a bad idea. My water broke at 5 am. (At the time that felt like it was really early in the morning but now that's a typical morning.) I called C to take me to the hospital. He didn't pick up his phone! I called a couple of his friends to see if he was with them. No one answered. Grr the plan was already messed up! I couldn't drive myself to the hospital not only because of the safety risks but also because my car had broke the day before so it was still at the mechanic's. I called one of my best friends at the time. She gave me a ride.

Laboring in the hospital was not that bad. I got an epidural after four hours of labor. The doctor misjudged my weight/ height/ whatever and gave me too much painkillers. My legs were so numb I couldn't move them. Thankfully the pain was gone. I spent the day napping in bed. I thought it was going pretty well. I found out after that the staff was not as nice to me as they should have been. The doctor could've asked me about my height/ weight/ whatever before giving me the epidural. Then maybe the dosage would've been correct. The nurses gave me a catheter before the epidural took effect. It hurt so much! I found out when I was in labor with A that the nurses knew it would hurt me and they could've easily prevented that. The doctor gave me an episiotomy without telling me. I didn't find that one out until years later!

Regardless of these deliberate mistakes, everything worked out fine. I met my beautiful baby boy. G was born at 7:47 pm weighing 6 lbs and 13 oz. He was perfect!

C wasn't so nice to me either. I must have torn worse than I realized. The doctor spent quite a bit of time stitching me up afterwards. It was so hard to get up and walk around. C kept calling me weak. He didn't realize I was in serious pain. Thankfully he grew up from that silly kid he used to be.

Speaking of C, I heard from him yesterday. He got NJP'd and fined but he hasn't been released. It was a tough week for him in the brig. We talked about whether he should still try to leave. If he tries again, He'll have to go through the brig time and the legal process all over again. They won't make it easy for him. If he stays he'll be most likely sent to Afghanistan immediately after his MOS. I just want him to do what's easiest on him. I worry so much. Even on the news today, there was a story that Marines were killed by an IED explosion in Afghanistan. Awful timing. I heard the story at work. It was a struggle not to start bawling during lunch. There really is no easy answer...

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday future king! As anyone who went anywhere near a media outlet today knows, Kate Middleton had her baby. It was a boy. He weighed 8 lbs and 6 oz. He's third in line for the crown. Etc, etc, etc...

I'm not happy the baby came today. Four years ago today, I had the most wonderful baby boy in the world. Now his birthday is being upstaged by a monarch on the other side of the world. Alright, maybe I'm not being very reasonable for being jealous about this. However if they give the baby G's name, I'll be very upset. (Don't worry. His name is not George which seems to be the favorite so far.)

I'll have to tell the story of G's birth tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to enjoy the second part of G's gift: he gets to sleep next to me in my bed. Good night! Wish me luck not getting kicked in the face all night!

That Darn CPA Exam, Part Two

I gave myself a month to study for each exam. That's a month, while working full time and being a full time mother to G. (No A yet...) It was rough. I had to study every moment I possible could. My boyfriend at the time (A's bio dad) was not so understanding. He criticized me for not spending any time with him. Whatever. I was a mom on a mission. I studied during my commute, at lunch, and immediately when G fell asleep. I would stay up late, all the way until midnight, even though I had to wake up at five am for work.

I did not feel prepared on test day. I was scared. Even sacrificing all that I could, I walked out thinking there is no way I passed. I anxiously waited three weeks for the result. Even though I had no clue how effective my study methods were, I was working on the next test already. I didn't have any time to waste. Finally my score was online: 82. Anything over a 75 is PASSED. 74 and below is FAIL. I couldn't believe I had passed! I took FAR first because it's supposed to be the hardest one. I was done with one! Only three left!

I did the same routine for the next exam. PASSED! 86! Whoohoo! I still left the testing center feeling like I failed but I was on a roll. I could see myself keeping up this crazy pace and passing them all on the first try!

My plan got derailed by a missed period. Why hello A. Nice timing. I could no longer keep up my crazy pace. I gave up coffee which was really the only thing keeping me up most nights. I also had fatigue, a very common first semester symptom. I could no longer stay up late studying and often would fall asleep on my computer. I pushed back my test date. I couldn't get through the material as quick as before.

Even though this test was mostly on taxes, I received only a 77 on that one. I passed, but just barely. I scheduled the last exam the day before my NTS was about to expire. I couldn't push the date back any further. Thank goodness I passes. 75. The hardest part was over! (That night after I took my final test was when I broke up with A's bio dad. I'll explain more in another post.) I was one of the small group of people who passed all the tests on the first try! And I did it while working full time, pregnant, taking care of a three year old, and in only five months!

The next step was passing an ethics exam. I was supposed to be super easy. I even get the study materials when I pay for it and I have three chances to pass it. I put it off for months. When I took it the first time, I did so without studying. I failed. I need a 90% or higher to pass. I tried again after A was born. I studied for a few hours but I took the test when I was half asleep. No surprise, I failed again. I had to pass it on the third attempt. I didn't have the extra $175 to pay for the test again. This time I went through the whole program as I was supposed to. Finally, yesterday I took the test again.

I passed! I'm done with all the tests! I'm not a CPA yet but almost. I'm not quite sure what the next step is. My results were forwarded to my state board so I'm waiting to hear back from them. I think I have a few more forms to fill out and another fee to pay. But that's it! I took on one of the hardest professional certificates and achieved it! I'm so proud of myself! I'm sure C would be proud too. I can't wait to tell him! I told my mom. All she said was "it's about time." It was a mistake to tell her. She really doesn't care.

That Darn CPA Exam

Well, I'm another step closer to being a CPA. Yay! In case you don't know, CPA stands for certified public accountant. It's not that hard to become an accountant but it's very difficult to become a CPA. The CPA is one of the most difficult professional exams one can take. I've heard it's comparable to the bar exam. One has to have a bachelor's degree and X amount of accounting classes before even signing up for the exam. All states have their own rules for the minimum requirements. I live in one of the sates that has a 150 credit hour minimum. I was lucky enough to earn all those credits while getting my bachelor's but a lot of candidates achieve their master's before attempting this exam. (I'll explain how I got those credits in another post. I worked incredibly hard to get them and I want to celebrate my achievement a bit.)

Once you finally meet all the requirements, it's time to fill out the paperwork. The paperwork is annoying and time consuming. Then the states take their sweet time getting back to you on if they accepted your application or not. I had some trouble getting my credits accepted at first. They asked me to explain some credits on my transcript. I sent them a letter explaining what they were. They sent me a letter back saying it wasn't enough. I sent them a copy of my class details. They replied saying basically "what is this?" Finally, I got fed up and sent them an email saying what I've done and asking what more I need to do because I really had no clue what they wanted anymore. I guess that worked because the next email they sent me said they accepted my credits and I could start signing up for tests as soon as I receive a letter in the mail. A process that was supposed to take 6 - 8 weeks took me three months. Grr...

Besides all the tedious paperwork, there is all the fees that I had to pay when turning in each form. The tests are easily over $1,000 for one attempt. Being a CPA is expensive! I still have at least one more set of fees to pay and then I'll just have to pay an upkeep fee and fees for credit hours that are due every three years for the license renewal. Ugh!

The tests themselves are incredibly difficult! There are four tests one needs to take: FAR, AUD, REG, and BEC. All must be passed within an 18 month time period. These aren't like any tests I've taken in college. They are tricky and each test covers an enormous amount of material. The pass rate on each test is around 45%. (Each time you fail one, you have to pay a fee all over again, making the CPA even more expensive to attempt!) The percentage of people who pass all of them the first time is really low, maybe close to 10%.

Keep in mind, I was a single mom when I started these exams. That means you can assume I had NO SPARE MONEY for this crazy exam. I needed to save any way I could. Failure was not an option. I borrowed study materials from a friend who had just finished the exam, which saved me around $2,000. No joke! I even saved around $20 by paying for all four exams at once. I realized that was a mistake quite soon after I did that. When you pay for an exam or exams, you are mailed a Notice to Schedule (NTS) which has the exams you paid for on it. The NTS expires in six months. I had to attempt all four tests within a third of the time allowed! Big mistake. To make it worse, the exam isn't offered every month. The last month of each quarter is a break from testing. That knocked out another month from my already tight schedule!

To be continued...

The Best Friend

Here's the story about my former best friend:

I used to best friends with this girl from preschool through high school. We did everything together. I would tell her everything and she would do the same. It was a textbook childhood friendship. We never needed to work on it because we never had any major obstacles to face. Life was good.

Then came the senior year of high school. First it was awesome. We would rock out to Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" together. It was at its peak and he was both of our celebrity crush of course. This was the same time I met C. This best friend did not like C or any of his friends. She would tell me that they were a bad crowd. Now I saw where she was coming from. We all worked together in a grocery store but unlike us, C and his friends did not go to school. They had all dropped out by that point. They would stay out late and drink most nights of the week. This lifestyle was not for me but I was so infatuated with C that it really didn't matter.

I was working at the grocery store a lot even though I was in school. I spent a lot of time with C and his friends. I would even go hang out with them during school nights when they were drinking. However, I did not drink with them and I did not stay out that late. My grades did not suffer one bit from these activities.

(Side note: my grades during this time were actually the highest they had ever been. I always took challenging classes which meant I was an A/B student. I made a deal with my mom when I was 18. If I got straight A's for that first semester of my senior year, I would have no curfew the second semester. I was successful getting straight A's. After I fulfilled my end of this deal my mother changed the terms to me having no curfew on weekends only as long as I was back by a decent hour. This was yet another major problem I had with my parents.)

So to continue the story, I would hang out with the "bad kids" but I wasn't really acting like one. My behavior wasn't that wild as far as high school students act. But my best friend began to pull away from me. She said she did not like who I was becoming. She told me we could no longer be friends. I'll admit it. That hurt. So much for friends forever.

About two years after that she contacts me through Facebook. She says she had made a mistake cutting me out of her life before. She wanted another chance to be friends. I gave her that chance. She was actually the one who drove me to the hospital at 5:30 in the morning when I had G. C was asleep and didn't answer his phone. We were able to keep up our friendship for another year and a half.

We would always hang out with our two other friends, her boyfriend, and my brothers. It was fun for a while. Then I got into a nasty fight with one of my brothers. He not only said mean things to me, he insulted G saying he should never have been born. I hate my brothers. I told my friends about this fight immediately and told them that I never want to hang out with my brother again. My social life should be fun, not stressful. Not even a month later, they planned an event and invited my brothers. I, of course, refused to go. My friend got so mad at me. She yelled at me for "breaking up the group." That was that. She cut me out of her life once more.

Earlier this week, she contacted me on Facebook once more. She said that she missed our friendship. I couldn't do it. I can't let her back in my life once more. It hurts every time she abandons me. I certainly have enough going on right now. I'm a wreck from C being away. I feel guilty for not being nice to this former friend but I just can't take anymore. C was always there to make me feel better before when she left. He can't comfort me now.We aren't even friends and this guilt thing is making me feel so bad!  I can't win!

Train People

.

Working in a big city means parking is absurdly expensive. As a single mom newly married mom (still getting used to that!), I have much more important things to spend money on. I take the train instead. During tax season was the worst! I had to be on the train by 4 am if I wanted to put in enough hours to earn maternity leave and still be home in time to feed G dinner. I was always scared when I had to take that train. I'm a 110 lb female, a pretty easy target. Thankfully, nothing ever went that wrong! The train ride itself is never that bad; it's the people riding the train. At 4 am, the train is mostly filled with drunk people and sleeping homeless people. Once I saw two drunk people get into a fight on the train. They weren't able to actually hit each other, but they did fall down when the train stopped and started.

This time of year, the people on the train can be classified to the following categories:

1. Working people - wearing dressier clothes that will get ruined when they sit on the disgusting seats and carrying their coffee.

2. School kids - carrying huge backpacks and trying to study while the train is moving.

3. The homeless - these people can either be walking around asking for money or sleeping on the seat. My city has a huge problem with homeless people. There really is no way to help them all and no way to avoid them if you don't want to try.

4. People going to the airport - big giant suitcases! These people take up two seats for each person!

5. People going to sporting events - team uniforms and the smell of beer, yay... Good thing they come and go by season.

There are certainly other people too but about 90% of riders fall into these categories. If you are wondering, I'm one of the working people

Crying for Two Hours

Well, it's official: I cracked tonight. Everything caught up with me at once and it was overwhelming. One moment I'm looking for nail clippers to cut A's toe nails. The next thing I know I've been crying hysterically for the past two hours with her nails still not cut.

I have a history of depression. When I was fourteen, my parents moved right before I started high school. I didn't know anyone and I was too shy to make new friends. The classes were so much more challenging than junior high. My old friends had very limited time to see me during the week. My parents would restrict my time with my old friends on the weekends for some stupid reason or another. (This was before we all had cell phones so it's not like I could stay in contact with them all day long like I can now.) I could easily go days without talking to anyone. That's when the problems started.

I realize I could disappear and no one would notice; I could die and no one would care. I became depressed and tried to commit suicide more than five times in a two year span. I made sure not even my parents knew of my failed attempts. After those two years, I decided enough was enough. I sought help from a school counselor. I was allowed to transfer back to the high school I should've went to. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I was put on antidepressants. Then my parents told me the insurance wouldn't cover both types of care so I had to stop seeing the psychologist. I was embarrassed that I was the only one I knew who needed antidepressants to make it through the day so I stopped taking them. I wasn't doing anything to keep my depression at bay but I actually managed to feel fine most of the time. I didn't worry about it.

The problems started up once again when I got to college. Once more, I didn't know anyone and I was too shy to try to make friends. In that first semester I managed to make my suicide attempts into a double digit number. C even caught me on the last attempt. He begged me not to do that ever again. Honestly, I told him ok to his face but had no plans on changing. Then I found out I was pregnant with G.

Being pregnant changed everything! I was fine hurting myself but I would never let anyone hurt G even before I knew what an amazing kid he would turn out to be. I still dealt with my depression but no more suicide attempts.

Over the next few years, I had a few "flare-ups." My life was tough but it was usually something simple that triggered it. I was going to school full time, work part time, and stayed up all night with G almost every night. I had barely time for homework or studying but I needed to keep my GPA up so I could keep my scholarship. Anything less than a 3.5 meant I would have to drop out of school. I couldn't afford to stay in without my scholarship. My parents were constantly criticizing me during this time. Sure I kept up my grades, took care of G, and went to work but my room wasn't clean so therefore I was a miserable excuse for a human being who would be too lazy to ever make something of herself. Even after all this, do you know what set me off the most? Driving.

I don't know what it was about driving but it triggered the most depression flare-ups than anything else in my life. Whenever a car would cut me off or nearly hit me I would think to myself: "Wow, how did that driver know I was too worthless to be treated like a fellow human?" That's be it. Cue weeks of crying hysterically about all that was going on in my life. I was pathetic. Apparently, even now I'm no better.

When I got home today, my mom confronted me about needing to plan G's party. I'm already planning the party the way G wants it. We sent invites to all his cousins (aka C's family) to join us at Chuck E. Cheese. No, I also need to have a party for my mom's side of the family because they understandably won't be going to Chuck E. Cheese. My mom always plans these parties and they are always at her house. She expected me to invite everyone to her house? No, I can't do that. Only she can invite people to her house. Once again, I'm being treated like the laziest POS she has ever met and my son won't get any presents from her family because of me. Ugh! Not only do I not have time to plan a second party, I have no desire to do so. I never wanted to plan any parties. It is an unnecessary amount of work for something that isn't even worth it.

I was fine when she tried to emotionally blackmail me. I was fine when I thought about poor C stuck in the brig for trying to return home to his family. I was fine giving A a bath and washing the face paint off G. I was fine when I thought about the huge list of chores I wanted to accomplish tonight. (Only one task completed by the way.) I noticed A's toe nails needed to be cut so I looked for the baby clippers. When I couldn't find them, that's when I couldn't control my crying.

It's all getting to be too much! G is acting up! A won't sleep for more than three hours straight! C is being tortured in the brig and not allowed home! My parents yelling at me for not doing something even though I'm pushed to the breaking point already! And now I can't even take care of my children because I can't find the stupid clippers!!! Thankfully, G was asleep by that point so he didn't have to see me like that.

I need C to come home. I need to move out of this toxic environment. I can't do everything, but I can't keep everything bottled up inside me either.

Can't Escape

I found out why C hasn't texted me last week and it wasn't because he was at MCT; he's in military jail! He decided to try to quit the Marines. It's not easy to quit when he signed a four year contract as he found out. We managed very few texts last night so I don't quite have the whole story yet. I guess someone (a higher rank most likely) told him that his job-thing was needed in Afghanistan right away. He would've been deployed for a minimum of nine months right after he finished his MOS schooling. He wouldn't have seen any of his family for over a year. This was beyond acceptable for him. He wanted out.

I wish he had talked to me about this first. Maybe we could've found a better, quicker way to get him home. I don't know. This decision blindsided me. I know it's what I want but I don't want to be the reason he does this. I don't want him to regret it later and blame me in any way for it. I should've been less vocal about asking him to give it all up the moment he joined. This was his choice, not mine. I had no right to guilt him about not being there for me, G and A. Now he decides to listen to what I've been saying! And now it landed him in jail!

I worry if this was the right decision for him. I tried to research online what would happen when he does leave. I'm hoping most of it is fear tactics because honestly none of it is good. Possible outcomes include:

-making him finish his four year contract from within the jail

-giving him the worst jobs and ridiculing him until he leaves (AKA making his life hell)

-giving him a dishonorable discharge which would ruin his chances of ever getting a decent job for the rest of his life.

I don't know what he should do! I want him home with me. I want us to finally start our life together. I want him to be safe from all the horrors of deployment. I want to be able to talk to him and hold him whenever I want. But I don't want him to ever regret his decision. Joining the Marines was his dream. They must already have done something awful for his dream to change into his nightmare after only a few months. I can't even think about what they could've done to change my wonderful husband without bringing myself to tears. I hate the Marine Corps and I wish we could put this whole incident behind us for good.

He's in jail for refusing to train. I guess that's the tactic he's going to use to try to get out. He said he'll be lucky to be home before Christmas. I'm so worried about him. It's all I can think about. I don't even have anyone to talk about this with. My friends wouldn't understand. I never discuss my personal life with my family. I would feel bad making his family worry as much as I am, especially if he hasn't already told them. It certainly isn't my place to do that. So it's just me, trapped in my crazy head. I can't escape my worries any more than he can escape the Marine Corps.

S'more Trouble

G has been very clingy and whiny since C went back to the Marines so I've been trying to do more fun activities with him when I get home from work each day. Usually we read his Thomas the Tank Engine stories or go to the library. He loves the library! Just like me, the kid is a natural bibliophile. Today we decided to make s'mores in the oven instead.

Alright I admit it: the idea wasn't mine. I was reading some other mommy blogs today when one of them mentioned this. It sounded cool and my parents and I talked to G before about making s'mores while camping so this seemed like a good idea. G loved it! He especially enjoyed eating the marshmallows and chocolate while we were supposed to be making them :P What a squirt. 

Unfortunately my cooking skills got in the way. Again. I'm a notoriously bad chef. I'll find a way to mess up anything I cook. This recipe wasn't even challenging. Put the marshmallows on the graham cracker and bake for 5 minutes at 400 degrees. Take them out and add the chocolate and the other graham cracker. Easy... Except I burnt the graham cracker. Oops! I still thought they were good though. This is definitely something I would try to do again! G and I both had fun!

So Tired

My days are busy, as all mothers' are. It seems like there are never enough hours in the day to get done with everything I need to. Just yesterday I tried to knock shower, A's bath, and iron work clothes off my to do list. Even that kept me up past 11 pm! I still haven't filed for child support, studied for the CPA ethics exam, clean out my purse, rebuild G's bed, and that pile of laundry is getting big enough that it'll rejoin my list soon enough. Usually I would work on a lot of these things tomorrow (Fridays are half-days at work) but I already have to stop by DEERS and get my military ID done so A and I will finally have insurance.

I just want a night off. A night to finally sleep! I stay up past 10 pm every night even though I have to wake up for work at 5 am. I could do that schedule easy if I was able to stay asleep that whole time. But no. I'm up with A two to three times in those few short hours. I don't even get to sleep for four hours straight. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

This would be the perfect opportunity for a husband/ boyfriend/ anyone to step up and save me. Anyone? No? Oh, that's right, I chose to go through this alone. I could've stayed single and pursued a boyfriend who would be here to help with the kids. I could've given up my career to follow C where ever the Marines send him. Instead, I'm here alone because I want to have it all. I want to take care of my kids so they can grow to be happy and healthy. I want a career I can be proud of that also pays the bills. I want to be with the man I love and have loved since high school. I want the man I love to be happy and satisfied with his career. I want to spare G and A the trauma of moving from house to house growing up. Like I said: I want it all, even if it pushes me to the brink of exhaustion to pursue it all.

Where Is He?

C was supposed to go to MCT yesterday. While at MCT, he won't be able to use his phone. Well, yesterday morning he surprised me by texting. We talked until he was supposed to leave. (I was at work while we were texting. Bad, bad TAM...) But then he sent me a text saying he might get held back another two weeks because I haven't finished registering for our insurance. (I received the Power of Attorney on Monday but I still haven't gotten around to it. My bad!) Since then he still hasn't texted me back.

Did he go to MCT? Did they take away his phone as punishment? Did he simply forget to charge it and the battery died? I hate this. I hate not knowing :(

My Worries

Well, the weekend just ended. As with most weekends lately, I spent most of it texting C. It will be really tough when he leaves for his MCT training tomorrow because he'll be without his phone for the whole month. I've really gotten used to texting him everyday for these past few weeks. It's been great. I can almost pretend he's at his house only a short drive away. Things are a whole lot less stressful when I can pretend we aren't in a long-distance relationship but we are simply too busy to see each other. Of course, then we have certain conversations that shatter the image.

We talked about deployment. Technically, he can be deployed in as little as four months. It's the deployments that scare me the most about him being gone. That's where people change the most. Between killing people, people trying to kill him, his friends dying, and even possibly getting killed himself, how could he not change? He could get PTSD or die. He might come home someone totally new. I already love C the way he is and our relationship has never been stronger. What if I don't like who he comes home as? Or worse, what if he doesn't come home at all?

I cried throughout that whole conversation. He told me that he would probably do a minimum of two deployments. I just want him to be home with me. I want him to grow old with me and to watch our children grow old. I want to hug him and kiss him whenever I want. I want to make plans with him for our near future, not our future in four years. I don't want to worry about him constantly.

I love C, not the marines. I wish they didn't come as a package deal.

The Fourth of July

The fourth of July was yesterday. I was missing C all day. It was hard to hear all this stuff about veterans and see all these happy couples while knowing C was so far away. The small bright side was that he had a day off so he could text me all day. Even that will be gone soon. He starts MCT training on Tuesday and he can't use his phone there. Well, I still tried to make the 4th as fun as I could for G and A.

The morning started out excellent. A had slept through the night for the first time ever. Yay! I wasn't super tired in the morning! G and I went out for donuts for the family while my dad watched A. My family loves the Boston Creme ones, so eight of the dozen were Boston Creme and only four were patriotic. Oh well. They tasted delicious anyway.

My town does a parade down one of its main streets fairly close to my house. About an hour before, I put A in her stroller, packed a diaper bag, and got G ready to go. We walked the mile or so to the street. G was being very well-behaved and A was sleeping. We found a spot to watch and sat down. G didn't want to be in the sun so he sat behind the stroller in the shade rather than on the curb where he could see the parade.

About ten minutes before the start of the parade, some lady and her kid walk up to our spot and sit on the curb RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! They weren't even tiny people either. This was a fat, full-grown woman and her over 5 feet tall preteen son. They sat right in front of my tiny three year old! She even had the nerve to try to push A's stroller back so she could have more room! Good thing I had the parking brakes on so she couldn't move my daughter. I told G to sit on the curb right next to them so at least he would be able to see when the parade came by. Then the preteen's two friends come over and tried to join the two interlopers. They had the audacity to give angry looks to G for not moving off the curb so they could sit there. WTF! This wasn't even the worse part. Right as the parade is starting, the mother takes out a hooka and starts smoking RIGHT NEXT TO MY KIDS!!! I hate people so much! G wasn't into the parade that much either so he gladly left with me after only the first marching band came through.

The day got better from there. We met up with my sister-in-law and her two kids. One of them is only months older than G so they are great friends. The other one is two years old. She loves G but G is scared of her for some reason. It's pretty funny to watch her chase him while he runs away to be with his other cousin. My SIL had set up a pool for the kids and they had a lot of fun together. I got to eat a delicious tostada and enjoy some girl talk. The topic of pregnancy came up. We mentioned how funny it would be if I was pregnant because C and I only got to have sex once during his 10 day leave. I know it's possible but extremely unlikely. (Is it weird that I talk to his sister about our sex life? Clearly I don't tell her any details but she knows a lot more than I would want my brothers to know.) I invited her family to come to the fireworks with us but they declined.

Just G and I went to the fireworks. My dad watched A since she is still too young to go. We had fun. We played catch and ate snacks waiting for it to get dark enough for the show. We even danced when the band played one of his favorite songs. I love spending one-on-one time with G. He is growing up so fast and he without a doubt has his own independent personality now. I love getting to know who he really is even though it is exhausting most of the time.

The fireworks themselves were one of the worst ones I've ever been to. It was a windy night and the wind blew entirely in the wrong direction. Ash rained down on us for most of the performance. Bigger chunks fell too. I even saw some still lit embers falling within 6 feet of G. I wanted to leave early but G was enjoying himself. I didn't want to break the kid's heart. I spent the whole performance dreading the finale, so sure that something was going to hit us. Thankfully nothing did but it was still an awful fireworks year!

Where I Fit Into the Marines

C was telling me about an evening activity he was looking forward to yesterday. He and a couple other marines were going to jog up a mountain FOR FUN! I couldn't believe it. That definitely didn't sound like fun to me. He wants to keep training so when he goes to MCT, he will still be in great shape. Sounds crazy to me. My idea of fun is sitting on a comfy couch reading a great book while sipping delicious coffee. I'm not cut out for the Marines.

I've been reading up online about marine wives too. I'm not sure I want to define myself like that. Those girls (or at least the ones doing most of the posting on forums) are young and needy. They are kids who don't seem to have much going on in their own lives by the way the sit around pining for their marine. Don't get me wrong, I miss C so bad it knocks me breathless sometimes but I still have too much going on to sit around waiting for him. (I'm sure there are wives who aren't like this but I can't seem to find them.)

Are there any marine wives like me? Any marine wives who stick close to their parents so they will have a solid support system no matter where their marine goes? Any marine wives who love having their own career? Any marine wives who make more money than their husbands? Any marine wives that refuse to move more than once for the kids' sake?

Please reach out to me if you know someone like that. I feel like I'm all alone. I feel like I don't fit into the marine family at all.

Quest for the Notary, Part 2

Continuing my story... I had just found a Currency Exchange that stays open until 9 pm.

I race home after work as fast as the train will let me. I stop at home to pick up both kids and off we go. Thankfully, A sleeps the whole trip but G has boundless energy, the way only kids can. I takes a lot of effort to reign him in but I did. We even managed to cross a busy street with him behaving and me carrying A in her heavy car seat. Yay! I go to ask for notary service but the woman at the desk told me their notary employee has already left for the day.

Honestly, she was lucky I didn't go off on her. I realize it wasn't her fault at all but I was so frustrated. Why is it so hard to find a notary? Would I be able to find a notary at all? I felt like crying; I was so defeated. Instead, I just took my kids home.

I knew this had to be done the next day. We need these insurance forms. There was no question about that. So on my lunch break, I looked up currency exchanges near work. Once I found one within walking distance, I called to make sure the notary was in. So far so good. I went to find it.

I used GPS since I'm notorious for getting lost. It led me to this giant building with no address on the outside. I wasn't completely sure this was the right place, but I went in anyway. It was a mall. It had shops, a food court, and a license plate renewal location. There were also offices you can get to if you had a badge. I walked all around it. No Currency Exchange. I called them to ask for directions.

Well, it turns out that there was a door hidden behind the elevators that leads to a train station. The Currency Exchange was right next to the station. I would have never found it on my own! A huge line and $1 later, I was done. I succeeded with my quest!

Of course, I still need to sign Power of Attorney papers for C and visit the DEERS office but for now I'm done.

The Quest for the Notary

We still need to add A to C's insurance. Because she's not biologically from him, I had to fill out a special form and get it notarized. Now this is simple enough... in theory.

The quest started on Friday. I have only four hours of work on Fridays due to summer hours scheduling. After work, I printed out the form and filled it out. I had planned on going to the notary right away but I had to pick up G and A from day care and the notary closes early. (I had planned on going to the UPS near my house.) I didn't bother with the search the whole weekend.

Monday came. I walked to a UPS near work on my lunch break. I got lost and walked right past it. Twice. When I googled the location, the search failed to mention that the UPS was in the basement of a hotel. It wasn't even a normal hotel. It was a fancy rich hotel that made you program the elevator by buttons outside of the elevator before you stepped inside! Of course I didn't realize it until I got into the elevator with another person and she looked at me like I was crazy. As if all elevators have buttons on the outside! 

Finally I made it to the UPS. I asked about their notary and the worker there said that the notary employee was on vacation. All that trouble with getting lost and the funky elevator was for nothing! Ugh! She gave me the number of another UPS. This time I was going to be smart; I called first. The notary there was on vacation too! I walked back to work defeated. I definitely shouldn't have worn high heels while on my errand. Ouch my feet hurt!

Well, I really needed to get this done so while walking back I called the UPS by my house. What did they tell me? The notary employee was on vacation! If I ever lose my tax accountant job, I'm going to become a notary. They clearly get a lot of vacation time.

This is where I stop trying to use UPS. I google other notaries. One, a FedEx, is fairly close to work. I plan on going there until I notice the first review of the place: this location does not offer notary services even if google says it does. UGH!!!

I look up notaries by my house. A bunch of currency exchanges pop up. I look at all the nearby ones. All the suburban ones close at 6 pm but I don't get back until 6:30 pm so those are out. There is one in the city near C's house that stays open until 9 pm. I plan to go there as soon as I'm done with work.

To be continued...