Reaching Out Fail

I texted C. I told him I've been feeling really down and asked if I could call him tonight. I meant it as "call me because hearing your voice cheers me up." He took it as the dreaded "we need to talk." It took a good half an hour before I convinced him I was not going to break up with him. Oops!

Sad, Sad Me

C is coming home Wednesday. It has been over three months since I've seen him. He'll stay here for a week. He will take us out to museums, parks (weather permitting), and out to eat. He'll spend some much needed bonding time with G and get to know A. We'll even get to go on a date night finally.

I should be excited, right? I was excited when he first told me. Today, I'm not. I guess my depression is acting up. I can't seem to shake the feeling that he settled for me. That he's only visiting me out of obligation but he'll spend time with his friends because he wants to. I think they'll try undermining our relationship. They don't like me; C has told me this himself. They are probably right. Why should a sexy, outgoing, fun-loving guy like C have to put up with me. I'm antisocial to the point where I can't say anything when I'm in a group. I don't like to leave the house at all. My self-esteem is (clearly) nonexistent. I'm skinny but not athletic. I'm an extremely lightweight drinker. Even G tells me that my job is boring. I'm forgetful, moody, and prudish. I take no pride in my appearance: I don't wear makeup and if I could, I'd wear pajamas all day everyday. Why would anyone want me?

I'm really tempted to text C, asking him why he settled for me. Is it worth it to be honest in this case? Should I even bother him with my problems when he's in no position to help? I don't want to appear weak to him, even though I clearly am. I don't want to screw up my good fortune. I probably will eventually. It's not like I can do anything right. He will eventually realize who I really am and he'll leave. I understand. If I could leave me, I would too.

It has gotten to the point where I know I should get help. I'm probably not going to, though. I want to try being a surrogate. When filling out applications, there are always questions about whether you have been treated for depression. I need to be able to say no to that or my application will be denied. I already applied once and was denied. I have to wait until I try again. (The companies I considered have a requirement that the applicant has no plans to move for a while. I'll try again after I move to be with C.) This is something I really want to do so I guess I'll just suffer for now.

A Babysitter for A

Here's the story of A's first six weeks and my attempt to go back to work:

My job does not offer paid maternity leave. I can use as much of the PTO that I've accrued and all the earned overtime PTO from tax season. After that, I'm left with unpaid time off. With countless bills to pay, being unmarried at the time, and C was away at boot camp (AKA unreachable) I depended on my pay checks. Despite an extra 96 hours of time off from the two month long busy season, I did not accrue enough time off when A was born in April. I had no choice but to try to return as soon as possible.

G is in day care. Despite a few administrative problems I've had with them, overall I like his day care. I trust them. I wanted A to go to the same day care. They don't accept kids younger than six weeks old and I only had three weeks of PTO. I needed to find a babysitter.

I thought about the people who I know that would have time to watch A during traditional work hours. Luckily, college courses were out at that time and one of my brothers was in college. He didn't want to do it but one of his friends agreed to do it. (This friend was a guy but don't take my experience as an example that all guys make awful babysitters. I truly believe that that blame falls on the individual, not the gender.) We worked out the hours he would need to be here and the rate I would pay. He can over one day so I could show him how to take care of A. That was that! I was worried the first day I went back to work but all mothers are.

It was awful! I'm glad nothing worse happened but I still get heart palpitations when I think about what my baby went through that day! It started off bad. He had planned on sleeping over the night before so he wouldn't be late and so he could have some extra time to hang out with my brother. It turns out that he stayed up past 4 am, knowing he had to wake up at 7 am. I heard them still playing their video games in the basement when A woke up for a feeding. It got worse.

He didn't pay attention to me when I told him about how to feed my baby. I chose to formula feed for personal reasons. He didn't listen to how to make the formula or how often she should eat. He mixed one scoop of powder with 3 oz of water when it was supposed to be one scoop with 2 oz of water. Worse, he only fed her once. Meaning from 7 am when my parents left until 4:30 when they got back, my three week old daughter only had one bottle. My brother and his friend were wondering why she cried the whole time! They were starving her! My poor baby! She had food right there but they didn't think to feed her again! She ate every two hours with me!

I was so mad; I couldn't even look at him.

The next day I needed him to babysit again so I could talk to my boss about taking unpaid time off. I wrote down extremely detailed instructions that a child could follow. I left my cell phone number and my work number. Screw the bills; my daughter needed me.

Thankfully, I have a very understanding office manager. She talked to the partners after I told her my plan and got them to agree to let my PTO hours go negative so I could still receive paychecks. My dad was also a huge help. He took off a few days each week so I wouldn't have to miss as much work. (Good news: I finally break even on my time off at the end of October. Starting mid-November, I can take a day off if I need to!) I was able to avoid financial ruin while still making sure my kids are taken care of.

I still wonder from time to time just how stupid my brother and his friend are. They saw me feeding A a lot those first few weeks. They heard me complain that she's constantly eating. I explained that she should not be fed with less than an hour between bottles but longer than that it's ok. Why didn't they realize she needed to eat? I can't blame their age. They are twenty! I figured out who to take care of G when I was nineteen. I had no experience with babies before him. He was the first baby I've ever changed or fed. My brother has helped with G before. It's like they just didn't care enough about A. They didn't care with making sure she didn't starve. They didn't care if she lived.

I don't trust babysitters anymore. It's not worth the risk. I'd rather rely on (older) family members who have experience with kids.

Little Green Monster

Yesterday, all the women in my office went out to lunch to celebrate my coworker's pregnancy. This is her last week as Saturday she's flying to Korea to have the baby over there with her family. It was nice having lunch with everyone. We were able to talk about "girl things" like cooking and pregnancy foods to avoid. I rarely go out with friends (and even then, only once in a blue moon do I get to go out without kids.) It was nice. One of the partners of my firm even picked up the tab so I had one less thing to feel guilty about at the end of the day.

My only problem is that I did not get invited out to eat with everyone when I was pregnant. Do the people here not like me? Were they ashamed of my (at the time) single mother status? Am I an embarrassment to the company?

The situations are different. She is planning on taking time off before she goes into labor; I expected to go to work on April 25 right up to the moment my water broke.We have very little work right now; I was due right after tax season. She's planning to take three months off; I expected to take only three weeks off. (That's  a story for another time.) Her husband is well off (or so I've heard); I was unmarried at the time. I clearly needed to come back; she has the option of being a stay-at-home.

Are those reason's enough? Am I being insecure or was I slighted?

No Sleep

Worst night in a long time! A did not want to sleep! To call it the worst is really saying something, too. This past weekend, she woke up every two hours like clockwork. A couple weeks ago she had a pattern of waking up at 3 am and staying awake until 5 am. None of that felt as bad as last night. She refused to let me put her down until 12:30 am. She would fall asleep in my arms but the moment I put her down, she would be wide awake. She didn't want a bottle or a pacifier. She would cry unless she was chewing on my hair. It was enough to make me wish I could try sleep training. Of course I can't because that would wake up G. He needs his sleep more than I do.

I tried sleep training with G when he was a baby. I only tried once though. He screamed until he threw up. That was that. It was better for him to fall asleep with me holding him. He wasn't cut out for that method of sleep training. Of course, A has a different personality. She might be more willing. I've seen her fall asleep with no bottle, rocking, or anyone holding her before. Oh well. Maybe things will get better in time. Maybe. Until then I'll try to keep my depression in check and dream of getting a full night's sleep.

Trouble of the Introvert

I've always been shy, painfully shy. I guess it's more of a social phobia than "shy." I have incredible trouble talking with people. I never know what to say! As a by-product of this, I've had trouble with relationships with people. Sometimes, even when I've known people for a while, I can't talk around them. Many of my friends have abandoned me over the years and I have trouble making new ones. I think people get bored of me. For the most part, I've gotten used to it. I can't help it. I can't change it. I should just accept that about myself, right?

The problem is C. What if C doesn't like me anymore? What if our conversation gets too stale for him? We mostly communicate through text messages so this seems like a real possibility. I might bore him. Of course thinking that makes it worse. Suddenly every silence becomes an uncomfortable one. All I can think about is how I should be talking. Ugh! I panic! What do I say? I should say something, anything. But in that moment I can't. We already broke up once in our turbulent past because of this. I worry it will happen again.

I'll have trouble making friends if I move with him. I'm too shy. People don't like me. None of his friends even like me! If we have marital problems after I move to be with him, I'll have no one to turn to! I could easily end up alone because of this. I'm scared. I'll have no one...

A Very Boring Person Writes Here

Not much to say. I'm a pretty boring person, in case you haven't figured that out by now. I had both kids by myself this weekend. No back up! I survived even though A woke up every two hours both nights. G had a fun weekend. He got to play with his cousins and he got a haircut. A started eating a lot more solid food. She cried whenever I ate but didn't share with her. She flipped over from her back to her stomach for the first time. She's also chewing on everything in sight. Perhaps tooth number two is on its way. C barely texted me all weekend. He called, but wanted to talk to G, not me. Like I said, I'm that boring...

Bananas

I take back all the good things I wrote about before about "Gone Girl." I hated the ending. I told C to read it too because he always wants cool new books to read. I'm rescinding my recommendation to him too. He's very particular about endings and I know he'll hate this one too.

In other news, I tried fruit for the first time yesterday with A. I fed her bananas mixed with baby rice. G loves bananas so I made double the baby rice that I normally make in case A loves it too. She definitely does. I made way more than I thought she'd eat but she finished it all! She even yelled at me a couple of times during the meal because I was feeding her too slowly. (I was trying to read to G at the same time. I'm usually better at multitasking than this. Both kids were yelling at me to continue!)

The result of the large meal? A slept through the night! Yay! I'm going to finish the jar of bananas with her tonight so hopefully I'll be able to repeat the sleep too!

Reading Musings

I'm currently reading that book "Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn. If anyone is reading my other blog, yes this will be the next entry. I must say I'm extremely creeped out by how I identify with one of the characters. The character I'm most like is Amy. I'm only halfway through the book but forgive the spoiler alert.

***Spoiler Alert***

Amy is the wife that goes missing. Her husband, Nick, is the one being blamed. By the time I finished reading part one, I was sure Nick killed her even though I vehemently hoped he didn't. The evidence was quite persuasive. Then I got to part two and BAM! I feel like the author smacked me over the head! Amy is psycho! She faked her own disappearance as punishment for Nick! (For what it's worth, I thought the twist was going to be that Nick's father killed her but Nick cleaned up the situation as a final act of kindness to his dad. That would explain Nick's odd behavior and Nick's dad's frequent escapes...)

Anyway, like I said, I understand her. If I didn't have kids, a job, money, or any friends like Amy didn't and the only reason I gave it all up was for my husband, I'd be mad enough to do this if my husband cheated on me. She gave up everything! He cheated with someone half her age almost! I'd be mad too. Now I don't have the patience to plan to frame anyone for murder years in advance but I understand. I'm amazed at her attention to detail too. From where I'm at in the book, it really does seem like the perfect crime. Flynn is an outstanding author for making me feel such empathy for such an evil character! This is the type of book I'll probably sacrifice my precious sleep for. And I know it'll be worth it!

Something's Happening...

C called me today. The Marines are talking about moving up his training. He's supposed to be waiting for his class to start in January. Instead, he might be able to start in October. This is both good and bad. Once he's done training, he can be deployed at anytime with very little warning. At least the tension over Syria has died down for now. Last I heard, we are trying for peaceful negotiations with military intervention being only a distant threat. He might also be stationed somewhere far away, like Japan. I couldn't follow him out of the country. The demand for accountants who know US tax law is very low outside of this country.

Of course there is good news. He might be stationed somewhere in the United States. Then G, A, and I can move right away to be with him. I miss him so much. I'm ready to sacrifice my only moving once rule to be with him. Long distance is as hard as everyone says and four years apart is a long time. I won't move until after the next tax season though. It'll be a lot easier for me to find a job when I'm trained as a senior rather than an associate. I can't wait to finally see C again!

My Birthday

Sunday was my birthday. Another year older. Another year closer to my actual age matching the age I feel. I believe I mentioned before, I'm still in my twenties. I don't feel like I'm in my twenties. I feel like I'm in my forties. I'm tired all the time. I have so many responsibilities to deal with everyday. I don't see friends regularly and my social life is nearly nonexistent. One major reason for this is of course my life choices. No one can take care of kids and be successful professionally if being wild and carefree is still a priority. Another reason is my personality. I'm incredibly introverted. If I could have any super power it would be invisibility, no contest. I'd be a hermit if I could. I'd never leave the house. Soon I'll start looking like the old fart I feel like. Maybe I'll even be able to go to a rated R movie without being carded... I dream big...

A Love Letter

Work is getting hectic with extension season in full swing. I'm working on one of the hardest client's returns and I still have at least a day of checking the states if not more. It's so frustrating! For every tiny part that I correct, I find three or four major problems that I need to fix! Ugh it's a nightmare! So I'm not going to talk about it anymore.

C sent me a text asking what were five things that turned me on about him. This was my response:

"Five things about you that turn me on:
1. When you say sweet thing to me. Even if it seems like I just brush off the compliment or if I don't believe it, I still appreciate that you said it and it makes me want to put my hands all over you.
2. Your body. No contest, you are still the sexiest person I know. It's amazing how much I get turned on when I see your body.
3. When you take care of G or A. I don't know what it is but whenever you do that I just want to pull you into another room and do naughty things to you.
4. When you are close to me especially when you hold me tight. Yay!
5. When you act like a badass. I love the bad boy in you ;)"

That ended up being a really long text message but it wasn't enough to say what I really wanted to say. I'd love to look back over some of my favorite moments with him...

He surprised me early on with his sweetness. When we first started dating, "The Golden Compass" was in theaters. It is still one of my favorite books so I wanted to go see the movie. (This was before I gave up on movies. Now, I refuse to go see a movie if I already read and enjoyed the book.) He took me to see the movie as a part of a large group of his friends. The movie was awful! None of us liked it! Afterwards, his friends teased him about picking a bad movie. He didn't know how I liked the movie yet so he defended it. He never once told the group that it was really me who picked out the movie. Even back when he was an immature 19 year old, I knew he was someone special.

We've had plenty of ups and downs over the years. Even when we weren't together, I knew I could go to him for anything. He's always been there to help me. He's become my best friend. He's the one I trust with my secrets. He's seen me at my worst and still loves me. I'm glad that I married him. I can't wait until I can see him again.

I'll have to continue on with my memories of him in another post. I need to get to bed so I have the energy to tackle my monster return tomorrow! I won't leave work tomorrow until it is done!

Doctors

G has a doctor's appointment today so I thought I'd make a list:

Things I Hate About the Pediatrician:

1. Having to take off work because all of the evening and weekend appointments are books six months in advance.

2. The tiny waiting room is too small of the large amounts of noise all the kids make while impatiently waiting.

3. Waiting for fifteen minutes for the doctor after the nurse does the basic measurements.

4. While waiting for the doctor, the baby needs to be dressed down to her diaper even though the rooms are so cold, I'm even shivering in all my clothes.

5. After hours helpline takes hours to talk to a doctor. (This happened with G around his first birthday. He ended up having the Hands, Foot, Mouth virus. All I knew at the time was that he was refusing to eat, had a fever, and was screaming inconsolably. It took three hours to get a doctor on the phone even though the person at the helpline kept saying "the doctor will call you within twenty minutes or you should call back." Finally when I got to talk to the doctor, all she said was to go to the emergency room. I switched doctors after that night.)

Don't get me wrong, I like the pediatrician (with the exception of G's first doctor) but that doesn't mean I like taking the kids there. However, I'm glad I finally found a good one. Everyone there is nice and seems to care about the kids. The staff is well-trained. Money is clearly reinvested in the business. My OBGYN had ancient-looking desktops in each room; the pediatricians all get their own iPads to keep the records on. The doctors treat parents with respect. G's last doctor had a way of interrogating parents rather than asking necessary questions. The old doctor even yelled at me for holding G too much instead of tactfully telling me that he needed more tummy time at one of the early appointments.

Next step is to find a new dentist to make G an appointment. The one he has now has a receptionist that treated me coldly only after finding out that I was not married to C during G's last appointment. I would like to find one a little less judgmental...

Beds, Bangs, and Birthday

This weekend was pretty interesting. Friday evening, we went over to my SIL's house. G got to play with his cousins and eat pizza. They played with Thomas trains even though JJ has moved passed the stage of being obsessed with them and now enjoys his Wii more. My son is so spoiled. I had fun too. I like talking with my SIL. It's nice to have someone close in age who knows what it's like to be a young mother. None of my close friends have kids yet. I'm not even sure if any of them want kids. I don't have as much in common with them anymore.

G had so much fun that I let him stay there a bit longer than I should have. His usual bedtime is 8 pm but we need to start getting ready at 7:45 if he wants to read a book. (He always wants to read a book. I'm so proud!) We stayed until 9 pm. Then we dropped off my MIL at her house. She brought out the things that C had sent me: new work shoes and a birthday gift.

The shoes are cute. They are Coach heel shoes. I'm not very fashion forward so forgive the poor description. These are the first brand name shoes I own. Usually I just buy some cheap Payless heels. They are also much higher than my usual shoes. I'll be the same height as most women in those shoes! Ha ha I'm so short! It'll take some practice until I'm able to walk in those shoes. I'm not sure I'll ever think of them as comfy, though.

I opened the birthday gift as soon as I got home. My birthday isn't until Sunday but I couldn't resist. C has clearly been listening to what I talk to him about. He bought me a Nintendo 64! He also bought me two controllers and two games! I'll need to buy a blue controller for G at some point but it was still a great gift! G wanted me to set it up right away. That kid would take my gift for himself if he could!

One finally thing I feel I need to mention in this blog post: I cut my bangs. They were getting so long, always in my face, so I cut them. I did not go to a stylist to get them cut. I literally took scissors and chopped over an inch off. It looks stupid and my self-esteem plummeted after I did that. I hate how I look. I want to hide until it grows back just a little more. However, as bad as I feel, I know this won't be the last time I cut my own bangs.

G's Morning

G had trouble letting go of me when I had to leave for work this morning. I hate it when he does this. As if I didn't have enough mom guilt for working in the first place. It's not like I even have a choice but I still get the guilt.

I wasn't expecting him to act like that today. Usually he's pretty good on Friday mornings. Fridays are pizza and Show-and-Tell days. Pizza is one of the few foods my picky eater likes. I really can't blame him for being a picky eater; he gets it from me. He also loves Show-and-Tell. It gives him a chance to bring one of his Thomas toys to class to share with his friends. He always brings something Thomas related even if we have to stretch to make it fit the theme. When the theme was school, he brought his Thomas lunch box. Today the theme was apples. He brought bug ABC flashcards (because bugs eat apples) and he used his Thomas pail to hold them. We can get very creative finding his Show-and-Tell toys...

Tonight we are going to my sister-in-law's house so G can play with his cousins. He was excited about that last night when I told him. Hopefully it will cheer him up during the day once he moves past the fact that I spend more of my waking time each day in an office instead of with him...

Racist Partners

In general I love my job and I'm so grateful to have it, even on busy days like today. The deadline for estimates for individuals and for entity returns is approaching fast. It seems like every time I finish one client, two more are given to me. But I enjoy my work. I enjoy being a tax accountant (if you can't tell my pride by the title of the blog...)

There was only one time I seriously thought about quitting. It was right after my first tax season. Three of us and a partner worked on these massive returns for a brand new client. It was tough work. As a reward, the partner treated us to a lunch at a nearby restaurant. I was intimidated at first because I was still an intern. Soon I was just angry.

The topic had turned to relationships. (Note: the partner and my two other coworkers are all men.) The partner had told the two guys to settle down with nice Polish girls because they would work hard to keep up the home. What!!! I'm Polish as well as a mix of many other European races and I would never make housework my priority. I would never give up my career for my husband. What a racist thing to say! Of course, both of the guys were already dating their current partners for multiple years and one would propose before the end of the year so this advice was moot anyway.

Did the partner stop there? Oh no, he did not! He went on to say that it was important to only marry someone of the same race as you. He said that people of different races were too fundamentally different to make a relationship last.

Wow. I couldn't believe he said that. I was in shock. I've never heard anyone be so blatantly racist before. This was a partner! This is a person who is supposed to represent the entire company! He said that in public to someone who is not a racist like him. If I was a client, I would never have done business with him after that! Like I said earlier, this was the only time I've ever wanted to quit my company. I went home and I cried. A's dad (who I was seeing at the time) was at work so I went to C to talk about this. C comforted me and talked me out of quitting.

I grew up in a very diverse neighborhood. I've had friends of all different colors. For most of my life, I didn't think twice about this. In my naivete, I had honestly thought that racism was over with. It took until college for me to realize how privileged my childhood was to be surrounded by such diversity. My college was about 99% white. I had never been in a situation like this before college. It was strange.

For the record, I took the partner's comment about relationship between different races extremely personally. Both C and A's bio dad are Mexican. G and A are half Mexican and half mix-of-most-of-Europe. My relationship will not fail because of race. I firmly believe my relationship will not fail at all.

Young Marriage

Like anyone else who made a major, yet controversial life choice, I'm ready to defend my choice to the death, even against mean coworkers. Two of my coworkers were having a conversation about six feet away from where I was working at my desk. One of them was telling the other that she was taking some time off to go to her cousin's wedding. She mentioned that the cousin was in her twenties. My other coworker responded by saying that he thinks getting married in your twenties is a stupid idea. She agreed. They said marriages of twenty-somethings never last. They both know I got married. I'm 23 and C is 25.

How tactless can they be! I was ready to cry. I'm glad I married C. It was the right decision for us. We've wanted it for years. The first time we got engaged was in 2011. Sorry we can't be like my other coworker who has been with his girlfriend for six years and has no plans on proposing anytime soon even though she is dropping hints. Just because they aren't ready for marriage doesn't mean it's a bad idea.

It wasn't only me they were slighting. Three former coworkers that were close with the two that said this got married in their twenties. One current coworker is engaged at 25. A lot of people get married in their twenties. Who are these two to say that my decision was stupid? I'm proud I got married. I love C in a way that I've never loved anyone else. I always knew C was going to be important to me. When we started dating, I told my friends that I want him to be in my life forever. It has taken 6 years since that thought but I finally got him for good!

Labor Day Firsts

Significant changes this past Labor Day weekend! My kids are growing up! Saturday, we went on vacation to Wisconsin to my parents. They have a second house up there. G loves it there! My parents have the old Nintendo 64 up there. That and the Nintendo Game Cube are the only game consoles I've ever seriously played. After that, the controllers had way too many buttons for me to compete with anyone. Even Halo on the original Xbox was too tricky for me. I used to play the 64 so much that I got a tattoo of Toad on my shoulder. He was my favorite character in Mario Kart. He still is actually.

But I digress...

The point is, G wanted to play games on the old Nintendo 64 with me. He now can use the controller on his own. Although I'm still better than him at the games right now, I'm sure that won't last long. He loves playing and I love playing the games with him. We had a great Saturday of games.

Sunday, we went to the local fair. We saw all the animals even though G wasn't really interested. Then we went on the rides. G loves rides! None of them scared him! He was too short for most of them but he willingly went on all the ones he was allowed to. He gets this from me. C gets scared around roller coasters. I'm always trying to get him to go front row with me. He's always trying to go on the boring rides. I can't wait until G starts going front row on the tallest roller coasters with me!

The fair was supposed to end with a concert from the Beach Boys. My dad was a huge Beach Boys fan growing up. G, my mom, and I also enjoy their songs so it should've been a fun evening. Angela didn't care for all the noise. Once we got to the stands, she wouldn't stop crying. We had to leave an hour before the show started. That was supposed to be my first concert too. Oh well.

Monday was a day of change. G got new booster seats. He is now officially out of car seats. He can now get into and out of the car by himself. He can also disobey my rules and not sit nice in the car if he doesn't want to. Hopefully, he still listens to me...

A was given solid food for the first time. I noticed this weekend that she would open her mouth whenever a spoon was put near her. I was holding her while eating ice cream and she tried to steal my dessert! So I bough some baby rice to see if she was truly ready. It turns out, she was! She's a better eater than G ever was. She eagerly ate most of the food I gave her. Almost none of it was spit back up. G was so picky about what foods he likes (and he still is!) He never liked the rice. A actually enjoyed it!

Technically, I started feeding her before I was supposed to. She's only four months old. The doctors say to wait until five months. But she was showing signs of readiness and she's big for her age (75th percentile for weight, 90th percentile for height and head size) so I decided to try it. Yay! I'm proud of my growing kids!