Christmas Party

Tonight is my friend Danny's Christmas party! Clearly I don't go to many parties but I have been going to this annual party for many years now. It's always so much fun! He has a good group of friends. They are quite nerdy but so am I! Tonight I'm going to stay out late, drink alcoholic drinks, and forget that I'm a mom for one night! Yay! I'm so excited! This will be the first and only party with my friends that I'll go to all year!

C is not too thrilled about it. He doesn't trust my friendship with Danny. He thinks there is more going on. There isn't. Danny has always been a good friend to me since I met him during college orientation. He stuck by me through both pregnancies, countless fights with C, the break up with S, and the countless times my mom has hurt me. I know that I could count on Danny no matter what.

We have an issue two years ago. I flirted with one of his friends and he got incredibly mad at me. I guess he had a crush on me at the time. He was drunk so his reaction was a bit over-dramatic. We talked about it after that, clarifying that we are just friends and that's all we'll ever be. Since then, I've met one of his next few girlfriends. I even helped him get through that breakup. He's one of my best friends.

C has no reason to be upset about this party. He parties with his friends, including flirting with them, much more than I ever could. He's even going out with fellow Marines tonight. I'll probably end up calling him late tonight. I don't mean to; I want to enjoy my only night off. I just have this habit of calling him every time I drink. I used to give my cell phone to friends after my second drink just to make sure I wouldn't call him. (Of course, at that time, the toxic friends I had would give me the cell phone back because they loved laughing at me calling him. That's another story though.) I'm going to try to resist calling him on my own tonight. I have faith in my abilities even though my impulse control is not the strongest as evidenced by this half eaten bag of candy at my desk...

The Nutcracker

Last night, G was in his first play. He was in the Nutcracker as the King of the Mice. It was adorable! He was so proud of the show! We "played" nutcracker for weeks before this. He was excited to preform and I was excited to watch. Of course there were several mistakes in the play (people forgot their cues, kids tripped, etc.) but I loved watching it! I'm so proud of that boy! I was almost crying when he ran around on stage in part because I was so proud and in part because he's growing up way too fast. It was one of the best nights I've had in weeks!

Need Advice

Oh, blog, I wish someone was reading you so I could get some advice...

I was on Facebook yesterday looking at a status of one of my friends who also happens to be A's bio dad's friend. (Side note: I can't keep calling him A's bio dad. That's just too long to type repeatedly. Plus it gives him too much credit relating to A. From now on I'll refer to him as S.) She had posted a picture of herself with blond hair. It wasn't a "sexy" shot; it was just her head. Still, she looked beautiful in the picture. I noticed she had commented on the picture so I read the comments.

S's comment was the second one. In all his discreteness, he wrote, "Nice  :) my p is standing." Who writes such a crude statement in a public place? Why would he possibly think that was acceptable? My friend seemed fine with it but it still made me mad. He has time to write disgusting comments on Facebook but he won't even ask how is own daughter is for seven months! Seven months! She's a completely different baby now! But he doesn't care. He defriended me on Facebook and won't reply when I text his new phone number.

I still haven't heard back about the child support forms I filed months ago. Now I'm regretting even sending them in. I should've just filed for full custody instead. I want the legal papers to reflect how the situation already is, if that makes sense. Then I would never have to worry about him trying to take her away from me.

But legal issues aside, what should I do? How do I get over this anger at him? Should I say something about the status? Should I say something to the friend? I'm pretty sure she doesn't know the real reason we broke up. He lied to all of our mutual friends despite claiming it was "not a big deal." Should I do anything at all?

I wish I could talk to C about this, but he would only think that I wanted to get back with S. That's not advice and that's not helpful...

Searching for Solutions

I can't seem to get over what he said to me. He settled for me. He doesn't like spending time with me. Our conversations are boring. They are his family. They are the ones who've always been there for him. I guess I've only been the source of his problems over the last six years. I've made a huge mistake; I should not have married him. I love him but every time I think of him I want to cry. I feel worthless and useless. Why would he love me anyway? I'm pathetic. I have no personality. I'm boring. No one deserves the fate of being stuck with me forever.

Yet I still want happiness... I have to fight the urge to wonder why someone like me should be happy, but I still want to be. I should feel loved and valued in a relationship, right? I always thought that was the point of the relationship. But if I'm not with C, I'll be alone forever. No one wants to be with a social anxiety ridden single mom with no personality. I'll be lonely but I think I would be less depressed that way.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel like a failure for not being able to make a marriage work. I know about half of all marriages end in divorce but still. I wanted better for myself and my kids. So if I do leave, I want to try everything I could do first. I'm not going to do anything drastic until we have a chance to live together first. Maybe it's the distance that's getting to us. Our communication could be getting a bit lazy. We mostly rely on texting each other. It's hard to talk deeply through texts. Maybe it's fear about his probable deployment. He might be pushing me away so he won't worry as much when he's gone. He does know what drives me crazy so it would be easy for him to do. It might not having anything to do with us!

If living together doesn't fix our problems, then I'll try marriage counselling. Maybe a professional could help us make our relationship healthy again.

And speaking of professionals, I'm going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to try to get on antidepressants. I put it off because if I'm formally diagnosed with depression, I can't be a surrogate. I wanted to try surrogacy. It seemed like a great way to enjoy  being pregnant without having the responsibility of a child afterwards. Plus, I'd be directly responsible for helping two people have a family member they will love and cherish. It seemed like such a great experience. However, I'm just so unhappy right now. I'm willing to give up the experience for immediate happiness. As soon as I have the chance, I'm going to make an appointment. As a bonus, antidepressants help reduce my social anxiety. It would be nice to walk into a room full of people and not feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.

Expanded Post...

Ok, that last post may have been a bit over-dramatic. I'm just upset with C and I can't talk to him about it right now. I honestly don't know if we will last. Even though we haven't been married that long, every time he visits, we fight. Getting married was a mistake. But what's done is done. Either we work through it or we divorce. No going back now.

I guess this weekend wasn't all bad. I got to spend Thanksgiving with my In-Laws. I love them by the way. They are so nice and accepting. One of C's brothers kind of scares me, but everyone else is amazing. The only problem with dinner there is that most of the conversations took place in Spanish. I've tried learning Spanish; I've taken classes for six years. Nothing seems to stick though. C's siblings speak fluent English but his parents only know some of the language. It makes communicating with them very difficult. I should probably give it one more attempt to learn though. Something has to work eventually, right? Anyway, Thanksgiving was fun. There were so many kinds running around and the adults were all laughing. It was exactly like a Thanksgiving should be.

That night, C and I were supposed to go out. My parents agreed to watch both kids Thursday and Friday night. C was too tired. We just went to sleep.

Friday, we took both kids Black Friday shopping. Crazy! C bought some stuff for himself at Express. I took care of both kids because they wouldn't wait in line. Then we went to The Children's Place so I could buy some things for the kids. G had to use the potty so C ran off with him to find one. They didn't make it in time so C had to buy him new clothes. C promised to buy me new clothes to wear later that night. However, after G's accident, C claimed he was too tired and wanted to leave. We had promised G a trip to Barnes and Noble to play with their Thomas the Train table so we went there instead. C cut the playtime short.

That night, we dropped off the kids so we could go out with a few of his friends. We played pool and then went to a bar to sing karaoke. He flirted with one of his friends the entire night. His best friend noticed that I seemed upset by this and tried to comfort me. C never noticed. I got drunk to avoid crying. C called a cab and had us leave early. I was not consulted before this decision. My opinion is not necessary I guess.

Saturday morning was our last time together. He made plans for the afternoon and evening with his friends. We were going to grab breakfast together. A had a fever so we weren't going to take her out. Thankfully my dad agreed to watch her for just a little bit longer. I suggested we get food to go so I could get back with her quicker. He didn't seem keen on the idea until his friends called. Then he couldn't get rid of us fast enough. G was so upset when C left but C still practically sprinted from the car. He didn't text me for the rest of the day, Sunday, or today. I've been forgotten I guess.

Worthless Again

Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't a wife and kids supposed to be a priority in a husband's life? When did I become only an obligation. C's visit was awful. When he was with us, he would text his friends. When he was with them, we didn't exist. He had this huge elaborate plan for Saturday night and he would post on Facebook repeatedly about it. Saturday was his night with friends. He didn't bother making plans for our days together. He didn't sound excited talking about them either. We aren't a priority. We are something he has to get through until he can be with the people he wants to be with. Once more I feel worthless and alone.

Worthless

Well my mom did it again: she made me feel worthless. My brothers came home for Thanksgiving yesterday. My parents and I were talking about how loud they will be and how they will stay up all night. I mentioned that if they kept A from sleeping I was going to tell them to be quiet. At that point, I had been up with A since 4 am. She had a fever on and off all day too. I was tired and she needed sleep to feel better. But no. My mom told me that I was not allowed to interrupt their fun. My need for sleep once again doesn't matter when it keeps my brothers from having fun. It didn't even matter. They left almost immediately once they got home. They went out to drink even though they are underage. Yet somehow I'm still the black sheep. Actually I'm worse than a black sheep. The sheep will produce wool. I'm completely worthless.

Defining Boundaries

I've been reading about relationships lately. I've read that it is up to each couple to define the boundaries of the relationship based on what behavior is acceptable/ unacceptable. While discussing C's plans for his visit, we discovered a behavior that we disagree about: dancing. C wants to go dancing at a club with his friends without me. Am I crazy for feeling this way? C thinks the only reason I don't want him to go is because I don't trust him. I think that dancing with people who aren't your significant other, particularly when they aren't friends of the relationship, is disrespectful and inappropriate. We got into a big fight this weekend over this issue.

Dancing is flirty behavior. All but the most tame dances involve a lot of body contact. Touching someone that much without music would be considered inappropriate. Why is it suddenly ok when there is music? Let the unencumbered dance with whoever they want. People in serious relationships should stick only with each other. It only makes things worse when you consider alcohol is involved. Alcohol can easily convince hands to wander into inappropriate territory. Knowing C, he will have a lot of drinks. He tends to touch more than he should when he drinks anyway. Dancing would make it easier to go farther.

Like I said above, none of his friends are friends of the relationship. (I really like that term "friends of the relationship" by the way.) They would never stop him from cheating on me. For all I know, they would cheer him on if he cheated on me. Sometimes I wonder if he would've been better off marrying one of his friends instead of me. None of them approve of me. None of them like me.

I'm going to wrap up this post so I don't get caught on a rant of self loathing where I starting listing all my flaws. C agreed not to go dancing with them this time but he said he will dance with them in the future. Basically our argument is on hold for now. The boundaries of our relationship have not changed.

California Issues

C found out that he will probably be deploying in February for around six or seven months. If this is true, it could be a big problem for us. I was planning to move to California with him after busy season ends. That would be mid-April to early May, I'd move with him. So I'd move out there and be all alone for several months. We knew this was a strong possibility. As much as it scares me, I'd rather move alone than be stuck here much longer. It would only be for a few months anyway.

C doesn't want me to go. He's always had trust issues. He's worried about me on a base filled with guys. Now let me say this: I have never cheated on him. I firmly don't believe in cheating. I feel like if you are attracted to someone enough that cheating is a possibility, then that's a sign your current relationship is wrong. The result would be to break up your current relationship. Simple as that. Whether or not you pursue the new relationship should be a completely separate issue.

I knew C was like this long before I married him. This is part of the reason why we didn't get married before he left for boot camp. So much of a long distance relationship is based on trust and communication. Those have always been our issues. We've gotten a lot better at them but this is clearly a big one.

I've always done what I could to ease his mind. Clearly, if I do something to make him seriously think I'm cheating, that would be just as damaging to our relationship as if I actually cheated. I've been doing all I can to never give him a reason to worry. I don't hang out one-on-one with guys. I don't go to bars or clubs. I rarely drink. (When I do drink, I usually ending up calling him anyway. All I want to do is ramble on and on to him when I drink. I'm a flirty drunk but he's the only one I want to flirt with.) When I move to California, this behavior will not change. If anything, I'll actually get more trustworthy. I won't know any guys and my antisocial personality will keep me from making new friends; I won't know where the bars and clubs are; I won't even have a babysitter I trust. My life out there will revolve around my kids and my job. Flirting with guys won't even enter my mind.

I am still worried about being in a completely new place all alone with two kids. It will be very difficult. I'm struggling right now and that's with support! I feel like I don't have time to get everything I need to done right now but I'm not taking on all the responsibilities I would in California. I don't grocery shop, I barely clean, and I don't need to bother with any repairs. On one hand, maybe it would be better to wait for C to return.

But then I think about what it would be like to stay...

I'm living with my parents. How pathetic is that? I feel awful about myself whenever I think about it. All I want is to be an adult and support my family. Instead, my mom is still nagging me to clean up my room. I'm stuck in this childlike limbo where I can't really be an adult. I don't take on adult challenges. I don't manage a household like an adult. I'm just a sad little former teen mom who got knocked up twice. I'm someone who deserves scorn because I'm just a pathetic excuse for a human being. I hate living with my parents! I hate it!

There's also a space issue. G, A and I are all crammed into one room. With my full size bed, a toddler bed, and a crib, there is very little space for us. I had enough furniture for a two bedroom apartment. All of that is now in one little room. I can't even unpack most of my boxes because there isn't space for everything. A doesn't even have a proper dresser again due to space issues. (My two brothers' rooms are unused about 75% of the time but we are not allowed to use those. Mom said they must be kept as they are for the holidays when my brothers return...)

I didn't think we would be here this long. It's almost been a year since I moved back with my parents. I need to get out!

Updates 11-19-13

Do you ever feel like there's not enough things to say? Usually I only feel that way when I talk to people but I'm feeling like that right now. I'm just plodding along through life right now. Nothing significant or noteworthy is happening in my life recently.

Let's see...

C will be here in a little over a week. I'm so excited about it, but I believe I already mentioned that.

G is doing well at school. We've recently started playing board games together. He loves it except when he loses. We are working on him being ok with losing right now. I can't play games with him as much as I want to because A tries to eat the pieces or money or whatever. I hate stopping in the middle of a game to take care of her.

A is getting bigger. I got her a bigger rear facing car seat because she is quickly growing out of her old one. She still has only four teeth but she seems to be chewing on everything again. She will also eat everything. This weekend she stole my fried chicken. She took a big bite out of it before I even noticed. I swear, that girl eats more than I do.

I should be officially a CPA soon. I sent in my final application complete with processing fee about a month ago. The check was finally processed this weekend! Yay! I still have a chance to become a CPA in 2013!

Hatred List

I was talking with C yesterday. I told him to be careful because I don't know what I would do without him. He half-jokingly told me that I would date or go back to my ex, meaning A's father. He doesn't get it. C has no idea how mad I still am at that sorry excuse for a guy. I still can't write the story about what happened here on this blog without crying about it even though it ended last year. How can C not see how much I hate that guy? Not only does he ignore how much I hate the guy but he even thinks I could ever like the jerk again. There are very few people that I intensely hate that C should be able to keep them straight.

People I Hate So Much That I Wish They Would Suffer Horrifically Painful Deaths That I Would Not Regret Wishing For:

1. A's bio-dad - manipulater, liar, thief, drug user, all around bad guy

2. Julius - This guy dated one of my friends when I just graduated high school. It was a tricky time in my life; most of my friends abandoned me at this point. I had one close friend who happened to be dating this jerk since before I was even friends with her. He used to sexually abuse me when she was asleep but I was always afraid to say something. I didn't want to risk losing her friendship if she didn't believe me. Finally when they broke up, I told her. He denied it, made up all sorts of lies about me, and even stooped so low as to vandalize my car. She believed me. This guy will always be always be on my hated list.

3. My Mom - A little care would go a long way. She made the list when she told me that I would never have suffered depression if I was less selfish, that I chose depression and it was completely my fault. I would still dream of cutting her from my life for all the other ways she's hurt me and cut me down over the years but that statement alone got her on my list.

I used to include my dad on this list too right alongside my mom. I thought he was just as bad as her. Now I don't think so. He still doesn't treat me the same as he does my brothers (they always got a lot more freedom) but I do think he cares about me. I kind of wish that my parents would get divorced so I wouldn't need to cut my dad out of my life alongside my mom. But whatever. My hatred for her is greater than my love for him.

My two brothers were both on the list at one point. One brother I got into many shouting matches with him, up to about three years ago. He made the list when he told me G was a huge mistake. Since then he's grown up a bit. I'll never be friends with him or even love him as one should love a brother but he's off my list. The other brother has a ton of friends who he loves to invite over through all hours of the night. They are never quiet either. He was on my list for keeping me up many, many times when I needed sleep the most. He's off the list because his problem is mostly his youth and my mother's influence. (When I was in college, trying to get a few hours of sleep between finishing up homework and G's first of many wake ups, my mom told me I shouldn't tell my brother and his friends to be quiet because their right to have fun is more important than my right to sleep.)

See, only three people on my list. I'm willing to forgive most forms of stupidity and insanity as long as it isn't willful and malicious. C should've had no problem realizing my hatred of A's bio-dad.

Sickly

Just when I think I'm getting better, I get sick with something new. Friday, I don't even know what I was sick with but it was one of the few days I've called off work for me instead of the kids. I had a fever, headache, sore throat, and was so dizzy. I slept almost all day and I'm still not better even though today is Tuesday. What I need is sleep. I'll probably keep this illness for years. I've had a cold for over two months now that I just can't seem to get rid of. Rest and taking care of myself would go a long way.

My dad went away this weekend but my mom was around presumably to help me. She did a lot of complaining about how much work she needed to do instead. She complained about the reports that aren't due for over a week. She complained about laundry that was no big deal on Thursday suddenly became life or death on Saturday. She complained that it was too much work to watch both kids at the same time even though she raised three of her own. She had me watching A almost the whole weekend. When she watched G, she would just give him her iPad and get back to work.

Once again, she gets to walk away patting herself on the back for helping her failure of a daughter and I'm stuck wondering why I even bother asking for help when I know I'm not going to get it. She didn't even ask how I was feeling all weekend. She doesn't care about me. I'm still not feeling better, if that even matters to anyone...

Nightmare

I had a nightmare last night. A serial killer decided to target me. Well, not really me. I saw him try to prick someone with a needle that my dream knowledge told me contained drugs to make the person pass out. I stopped him and saved his would-be victim. He went after me next.

I ran as fast as I could. I was in a skyscraper that happened to have both my job and my apartment inside of it.  I ran from my apartment up to work and ran straight through to the exit. No one looked twice at me. No one tried to help. He always seemed to be in front of me wherever I ran. One of the scariest scenes I could remember, I saw a candy bowl on a table. Being the candy addict I am, I stopped to grab one. Inside the bowl, hidden under the candy, was the severed head of the woman I saved in the beginning of the dream. I ran on without any candy.

After running for miles, I came to the top of a hill which had a steep drop on one side. The killer was up there and he had a Harley Quinn-esque accomplice. They outnumbered me. I was sure they were going to push me off the cliff so I decided to get them first. I lunged at the girl and managed to ruin her balance. She fell off the cliff to her death. The guy was still the scarier one even tho he was shorter than me, wearing glasses and a plain brown suit. If he wasn't killing people, he wouldn't be intimidating in the least. I couldn't do it though. I was too scared to fight him. I ran away and kept running until I woke up.

Thank goodness I didn't have any of my kids or C in my dream. I always cry when they get hurt in my dreams. That's the only good I can see in that dream. The killer is still out there! What if I dream about him again tonight! I don't usually have nightmares, only when I'm stressed. I had nightmares every night when I was pregnant with G. Every night I would dream that people were trying to kill me. It was awful! I'm not sure what's leaving me so stressed this time...

Maybe California? C thinks he'll be deployed less than six months after he moves out there. That means I could move there after he is already gone. I am scared about having no one to help me with the kids. I don't think I'm scared enough for a nightmare though...

C Knows His Base...

...And we are off to... Camp Pendleton, California! Yay! It is going to be warm and sunny and oh so nice! I can't wait! C leaves December 17, but G, A, and I won't follow until April 15. I am going to finish one last busy season here first. It is part courtesy to the firm who gave me my first professional job and part strategic career move. After three busy seasons, one of which I'll be reviewing returns, I'll be able to be hired as a Senior. Promotion! My family had an odd reaction to the news but I'll explain that in another post.

Halloween

Happy Halloween! We will be trick or treating as soon as I get back from work. Too bad it's raining right now. I hope it stops before this evening. G will be going as Thomas the Tank Engine, again. It's the same costume he wore last year, but he wanted to wear it again. How could I say no to that! A will be Winnie the Pooh. That's the costume G wore for his first Halloween. I was lucky this year. Since we already had both costumes, I spent no time or money on shopping for what they want. This will not happen again next year, I know it already.

Last night I got into another fight with C. I was on Facebook when I saw some of his status updates. He plans on going to clubs with several of his female friends and dancing with them. I am definitely not ok with this. Something about alcohol, friends who hate me, and women grinding up against him seems like a very bad idea to me. We texted quite a bit last night about this. I told him he was acting single. He was getting defensive, asking me what married men were supposed to act like. I told him they don't spend more time with friends than their family, they don't go out drinking every night, and they don't stay overnight at a female friend's house especially after their wife asked him not to. Then I sent him one more text: "They don't make their wife cry."

I think it was the last text that finally made him realize that this was a big deal to me. He apologized. He said all he wanted to do was spend time with his friends and that he didn't want any one else but me. He was going to do karaoke instead of the club. He promised this time would be different than last time. The only difference I see is that he invited me along Thursday and Friday. I'll trust him on this, for now.

Tradition

I'm so mad right now! The surprising thing is that I'm not even mad at C, even though our Thanksgiving plans have not been settled yet. Nope, I'm mad at my book. I'm reading the third "Game of Thrones" book. I'm a little over halfway through it, which I've been informed is about where the TV show is. This part has already happened in the show but beware the spoiler anyway.

***Spoiler Alert***

I just read about the Red Wedding. That's the celebration where Catelyn and Robb Stark are killed. What. The. Heck!!! They were my favorite characters! They can't be dead! It must be a trick like Brandon and Rickon. Or maybe they'll rise again? Please don't let them be dead. If the author keeps killing off characters there'll be no one left!

The book is so intriguing. The plot is going in so many ways at once. Every time I have a prediction about what's going to happen, a new twist happens and I'm completely wrong. I'll admit, I keep hoping the show gets "nicer." I want a happy ending for the characters but everything keeps getting worse and worse. Maybe I'm more like Sansa than I think. I want everything to happen like one of her songs. I want the knights to be good and the maidens happily married. I want the just to rise and the evil to be punished. That doesn't seem to be happening so far. The honorable are being killed and the conniving are prospering. It's so frustrating!

I guess I have a strong sense of tradition. This is the way things are supposed to be. I get very upset when something happens that does not fit that picture. I hate that the main characters Ned Stark and King Robert die right away in the book. I hate how C does not want to celebrate Thanksgiving as a family. I see these as an offense to my moral code.

I once read a book called "The Fairy Godmother" by Mercedes Lackey. (I may have even read it twice.) The book talks of a magic called the Tradition, which tries to force people's lives into classic fairy fairy tales if the individual shows signs of a certain story. For instance, if a girl grows up forced to do excessive amounts of cleaning, the Tradition will try to force her life into Cinderella. She'll meet a prince, fall in love, and live happily ever after. It's a great book but I won't get into the details more than I already did.

My point is that I'm like the Tradition when I read a story. I want the characters to match familiar stories so they could all live happily ever after. It is really making me mad that the author doesn't seem to want to follow the tradition.

Defining Family

C said that he will probably come back for Thanksgiving! Yay! He also said that I should let him know my schedule so we could pick a night to spend together. That's the good news. There's bad news. Of course there's bad news. I asked where he wanted to spend Thanksgiving on the assumption we would spend it together. His family doesn't do much and he doesn't like spending time with my family so I offered to cook for him. (My parents will be in another state so we could have a nice dinner just the four of us.) He said no, he'll spend the holiday with his family.

Two things I find wrong with that.

1) He wants to spend the holiday apart from us.

Holidays are supposed to be spent with the people who matter most to you. Why doesn't he want to see me and the kids? Why won't he invite us with his family? Do we even matter at all to him. At one point during C's last visit, he was planning on not seeing us one weeknight because he made other plans with his friends. He was going to blow us off until I reminded him how upset G would be. He accused me of trying to make him feel guilty for wanting to have fun until I reminded him that I'd be the one to deal with G's crying. After that, he decided to meet his friends a little bit later so he could see G. I know he cares for G so it must be me he doesn't value.

2) I'm not included as a part of his family.

At what point does the definition of family change? Clearly a girlfriend is not family. But surely a wife would be considered family? Kids should definitely be considered family. Why have I not been elevated to the "family" definition? Why is his family his parents, brothers, and sisters but not G, A, and I? When will he treat me with respect befitting a family member?

Maybe that's the problem. He's treating me like a girlfriend. It's acceptable to blow off a girlfriend to spend time with friends. Girlfriends aren't always included in holiday plans. Girlfriends are not family. But I'm not his girlfriend! I'm his wife! We are supposed to have a special bond more important than any friendship! Or is my definition wrong? I certainly don't feel that special to him. Why did he even bother to marry me if he didn't want the family role that came along with it?

Resolution

I posted before about a problem that has come up in C and my marriage: I don't feel like I'm a priority in his life. I talked to him more about it this weekend. He swears that he'll have more time for us when we see him more often. He says that he didn't see me much because of our living situations. I still live with my parents until I can move with him and he stayed at his parents' house (or really his female friend's) for the visit. He said he didn't invite me out with them because I was always complaining about how tired I am and because I don't like his friends. I stayed up late deliberately for him! I knew I would be even more tired than usual! Honestly, I don't like his friends. They are unambitious druggies with shaky morality when it comes to the law. Plus they don't like me. But he still never invited me. Not once. I guess we are "ok" again but I feel like our problems have been covered up, not solved. I doubt this will be the last time we fight over this issue.

Sickly Morning

It has been a hectic morning already! G woke up with a lot of discharge coming from both of his eyes. Yuck! A's lower eyelid on her right eye has been swollen since Saturday. She was supposed to have an appointment that day for her six month check-up, but her doctor had a medical emergency so it was canceled. Between both kids' eye problems, I thought it would be a good idea to visit the doctor this morning during the walk-in hours.

I'm glad I took them. It has put my mind at ease. G does not have pink eye. The discharge is from mucus backup from his cold. (Double Yuck!) He does have the beginnings of a cold so I have to keep an eye on him for any symptoms. The doctor said it will most likely clear up on its own though. A has a sty in her eye. I'm so glad it is nothing worse. I need to place warm, wet cloths on her eyes three times a day until it gets better. Crisis adverted!

Love

I started a fight with C yesterday. I didn't mean to; I was so tired everything that's been weighing on my mind came out. The fact that he spent his one week back home with his friends more than with his family really upset me. He stayed overnight at one of his female friend's house TWICE! After the first time, I had asked him not to do it again. I told him it made me uncomfortable. What does he do? The very next day, he calls me to pick him up from the same girl's house! He thought it would be ok because he claimed he was there as a part of a group.

How would that make it ok!?! He has slept with this girl before! He was drinking a lot while out with these friends! None of his friends like me! For all I know, they encourage him to cheat when he's there. I'm never invited along. This group tends to get wild so he might do something at their insistence that he doesn't think is cheating but it is something I don't approve of.

Why doesn't he think about how this would make me feel? Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? Does he even love me at all or does he love that I have no means of finding out if he's faithful?

He said he spent so much time with his friends because they are fun. Meaning I'm not fun. Hanging out with our kids is not fun. Being a family is not fun. Being man and wife is not fun.

He called them family. I guess I'm not...

Getting married was a bad idea. He's not ready for it. He doesn't want me or the kids. He wants us to wait patiently at home out of the way for him while he still has all the fun of his single days. I made a huge mistake.

I don't even know how to fix it. I don't want a divorce. I just want my husband to want me. I want to be a priority in his life. I want to feel like I'm important to him. I feel like if I left him, all he would feel is relief. Is my marriage salvageable?

The whole fight started when we started talking about having another baby. C does not want any more kids. He didn't want any kids even before G was born. For a while, I agreed with him. Why would I want someone who would hate me? Someone whose life I would probably ruin? Then G was born. I hadn't realize the intense feelings of love that come from having a baby. G was the first person to ever make me feel loved unconditionally. After he was born, I wanted more. I wanted to feel loved.

I do feel the love from G and A. It's just C that isn't meeting my needs. I would be satisfied with only two kids if C was willing to step up. It's like I have this giant hole in my life that needs love to fill it. If the love can't come from C then it has to come from kids. They certainly have no problem showing me how much I mean to them.

Reading!

G read a book to me last night! I am trying to teach him to read even though he is only four. He knows several sight words. Most of them are typical ones like "the" and "and" but he also knows "Thomas," "Gordon," "engine", etc. He can also spell his name and "Thomas" from memory. I'm so proud! In all honesty, he only read about 75% of the words last night. I had to help him with the rest. He also guessed a lot. He would look at the first letter and guess a word that made sense with that letter. He wouldn't sound out words unless I told him to. We still have a lot to do before he knows how to read for real but it was still the most exciting Thomas book we've read in a while!

This Weekend

I can't seem to find my post about my weekend so I'll retype it.

We had a very busy weekend. I'll admit, most weekends we are lucky if we all get dressed both days. This weekend we were dressed, out of the house, and Saturday I even wore heels. I'll start with Friday.

Friday, I had to leave work early to pick up my kids. Usually my mom does this but she made plans. After I picked them up, we went straight to the library. G loves the library! He gets that from me. He needs limits placed on the number of books he can take or he'd borrow them all. This time we left with only eight. He also loves playing in the kids' section. They have computer games, puzzles, legos, puppets, and more! Even A was good while we were there. She's too young for the toys but she loves looking at all the colors. We stayed for about an hour before heading home for dinner. Neither kid fussed for one moment that we were there! Success!

Saturday was one of G's cousin's baptism. He's a bit old for a baptism but they had one for the four year old anyway. I didn't really know what to expect. I'd never been to a baptism before (besides my own) and it has been years since I've been in a church. I didn't even know I needed to dress up until the day before. We had some trouble when we first got there. I'll admit, it was 100% my fault. I have terrible insecurities and they sometimes get the best of me.

When we got to the church, there was a decent crowd inside. They all turned to look at us when we arrived but I didn't see anyone I knew. G, A, and I backed out slowly. I doubled checked the invitation. (It was in Spanish which didn't help my nerves.) I was at the right place and only ten minutes early. What was I doing wrong?

We walked back into the church. Keep in mind, I was wearing really tall heels and a skirt while holding a giant diaper bag, my purse, and a baby. I looked awkward! We took a seat in the back and decided to wait. G was getting fussy so we walked out to the steps to wait for someone we knew. Finally they showed up! They were just running late; I didn't do anything wrong at all! Of course, the ceremony was still awkward. I'm atheist, G has been to church with my mom maybe three times only, and A started crying halfway through. Can you feed a baby in a church? Oh well, I did.

We took several pictures before going home for lunch. We were all going to meet up for a party at a banquet hall for dinner. Thankfully, I was able to find my way there only getting lost once. G and A even kept their clothes clean enough to wear to the party! Yay! They weren't that dressed up. G was wearing a button up shirt (his "just-like-daddy" shirt) and khakis. A was wearing a black shirt with ruffles and khakis. I was wearing a blue work shirt that I know makes me look super skinny and a tan skirt. And huge Coach heels of course. I received many compliments on the shoes and many questions on whether my feet hurt. (Answer: yeah they did!) We weren't as dressed up as some of the other people at the party but I really didn't care.

The party was fun. C's family can get pretty wild. It also didn't help that there were more kids than adults. I love his large family. I wish my family was like that. I have a large extended family that lives far away but I rarely get to see them. His family is here all the time and they are always willing to help each other. It's great! I wish I wasn't driving so I could've had a drink with them. I had to be responsible, though.

G was clearly tired; it had been a long day for him. He didn't even get a nap! Still, I was very proud of him. He wasn't as rowdy as the other kids and he listened when someone told him no. He would pout at times, but he was still very well behaved. He only cried a little when we were the first ones to leave. (It was his bedtime and I was getting tired too.) Even in the car, he soothed his sister once she started crying. I told him when we got home that I was really proud of him. He even earned back some of his toys he lost during major temper tantrums in the past. I love that boy!

Sunday, G was invited to a birthday party for one of his school friends. He loved it and was very social. I, on the other hand, was awkward and aloof. All of the other parents are twice my age! I talked to one parent that graduated from the same high school as me. She went there in the nineties! Conversation ended when I told her I was the class of '08. She was one of the younger parents!

Some good did come from that party. One of G's friends has apparently been asking for a play date with G. His dad talked to me about it. He took my phone number and email so we could plan something. G has never had a play date with a school friend before. This will be a major first!

I'm hoping next weekend will be a bit more relaxing...

A Little Rant

I'm so tired of people not doing the things they are supposed to do. If you cannot do it, then say so. If you can do it and people are paying you to do it, then to not do it is just stupid. Two examples from just the past couple of days:

1. My parents had bought lunch meat the other day from Jewel but when we got home, we noticed the pack was already open. I took it back to the store with the receipt to do a simple exchange and buy something for G for school. Easy enough, right? Nope. The person doing returns clearly did not want to be there. He didn't look up at me the whole time I was explaining the problem. He just said to go get another one. Rude, but ok. I get another one and twenty bananas. There were no shopping carts inside. Clearly, someone didn't bring them in from the parking lot like they were supposed to. I walk to the self-checkout to pay for my bananas. The customer service desk does not have a scale, I know the code anyway, and the lane was right in front of the service desk. I thought this would be the most convenient way to complete my transaction. No one was at the desk. They already had my defective product and receipt so I just put the new meat into a bag without scanning it. To the person working the self-checkout lanes and any cameras, it would've looked like I was stealing the meat even though I wasn't. No one even looked at me. I could've actually stolen something and no one would've cared! The job is not that hard! I know, I've done it! I hate incompetence.

2. I'm supposed to be getting a new computer at work. The one I have now is old and slow. I received an email telling me to expect a new computer three weeks ago. The computers have arrive two weeks ago. The IT guy was here yesterday installing computers. Still no new computer! If your job is to show up and fix technology problems, how can you not install three computers in eight hours! It's laziness! He even asked for my password so he could configure my computer yesterday. No change. I hate the IT company we use!

Alright, rant over.

Tired Enough to Cry

A got her second tooth! I was hoping that would help her sleep through the night. No such luck! She's been waking up at least three times a night. Usually her 2:00 am wake up lasts for over an hour! Between her wake ups and all the chores I have to do after both kids are asleep, I've been getting less that four hours of sleep a night. I can't keep this up much longer! I'm exhausted! I've been falling asleep while feeding her. I can't help it. Thankfully I haven't dropped her. Sometimes my dad watches her so I can get an extra hour of sleep. My mom never even offers to help. She prefers to yell at me for whatever cleaning I didn't have time to get to. I can't wait to move out. I'll probably stop talking to her. I truly hate her. I forgot where I was going with this post... I'm tired...

A Bit Overdue...

It has been a while since I wrote. C's visit has come and gone. I really didn't feel like we spent a lot of time together. He helped me with the bedtime routine every night, we had one day with the kids, and one date night. That was it. He went out with his friends every night and slept all day. I wish we had spent more time together...

The day with the kids was a blast! We went to the Children's Museum. G was running around playing with everything. He loved climbing the giant rope course! His favorite things were digging for dinosaurs and the nighttime/ bug room. We read about bugs at home but he's never shown an interest in dinosaurs before. I don't know why he liked it so much.

I did feel left out at times; I had to hold A the whole time. She doesn't like C. I think she's going through that stranger anxiety phase. She doesn't seem to like anyone holding her but me and my dad. At one point G actually said to C, "A doesn't like you or your mom!" While that was true, the face that we weren't even talking about C's mom at the time made the quote hysterical! C was pretty upset that A didn't like him. He made an effort to hold her as much as he could before she started screaming. That's why I love him (even if A does not... Ha ha ha.)

Our date night was much less fun. We were both sick, tired, and were in the process of losing our voices. We kept it simple with dinner and a movie. His family watched both G and A. G was disappointed that he didn't see any of his cousins while A was upset that she wasn't with me. We wrapped up the date early enough that G could still make his bedtime and C would be able to hang out with his friends. (He couldn't miss even one night!) The day wasn't very romantic at all...

G was very fussy on our last night with C. He wouldn't let C read to him and he didn't say goodbye. G really didn't understand what was going on. The next day, he cried when I came home from work without Daddy. He was fussy for a while, but we are finally back to our usual routine.

Work has been very hectic lately. The deadline for extended returns was on the fifteenth so everyone has been working extra hard to get everything done. Only a few clients who STILL haven't given us what we need to complete their returns remain. There's only so much we can do. That is one of the reasons I haven't written lately.

The other reason is that I have been reading like mad whenever I'm not working or with the kids. I've started reading the Game of Thrones books. They are actually really good! I'm very skeptical whenever the general public likes something. The books were a bit longer than I expected. I checked out the first four books in a set on my Nook. The library only lets people check out books for two weeks. No option to renew is available when there is a waiting list, as in this case. Usually, I can read three books in two weeks. This time I finished one and a half. Like I said those books are long! I finally finished the second one and am now waiting for my hold on the third to become available.

Now I think this blog is officially caught up! Whew!

Selfish?

I'm trying really hard not to be mad at C right now. He came back and things have been great. But both nights he's been back so far, he's gone out with friends. He goes out, drinks with them, and then he sleeps all day. Funny thing is that I'm up all night too. A has had very bad nights lately. She not only wakes up repeatedly, but she stays up for a few hours each time. Last night I got four hours of sleep and only two of those hours were consecutive. I have to stay up all day at work and I'll have to repeat that kind of night again tonight. He can sleep all day while A is at day care! Why can't he help me for a few nights so I can regain my sanity?

Maybe I'm being unreasonable. He hasn't seen his friends in three months and he obviously misses them. He really can't even help me. My parents won't let him stay overnight with me and his parents decided to use his room for storage so now the four of us would not fit in there. A has developed stranger anxiety; she screams every time C holds her. It really isn't even possible for him to help.

I can't help feeling angry at him, though. I clearly need help. I can't keep up this pace by myself for much longer. I'm already depressed. Instead of helping with my stress, he goes out with friends! He's having fun while I'm completely miserable. Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want to help? Why do I feel so alone even though he's back?

Maybe I deserve to be selfish. I'm sure he wants to go out with friends, but he has responsibilities. He should be staying in with me. He should be helping me. I don't have to go through this alone. He said I do so he should help me! Why doesn't he realize this?

Almost Home

C is back in the city! Finally, after being gone for months, he's back! Technically he's still on the train coming home. Oh well. He's still back in the city and that's good enough for me!

Unfortunately, I can't be with him just yet. I still have no days off. So I have to attempt to work while knowing my love is a quick train ride away and there are helicopter stunts going on right outside my window. (I know that really has nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to show how hard it was to work right now.) Taxes have never seemed less interesting. I have to settle for texting C until I get home.

The plan is for C to meet me by my car at 6 pm. I drove my car to a station near his house so this plan could work. (It's a nice day and I'm missing out on roller blading. Oh well. It's worth it.) Then we will drive together to my house. Once we arrive, it's back to my usual hectic evening routine but with C's help. We'll get both kids fed, play with G, read together, and finally get G into bed. Hopefully A will fall asleep some time after that, giving C and I some precious alone time. That's the plan. What could go wrong?

Government Shutdown

I guess it was time I discussed current events on here. It is official: the budget has not been passed and there is a government shutdown. At first, I wasn't worried about the treat. This is clearly a major issue for a lot of people. However, I'm more concerned with how it harms my family. Life is better when I only worry about the people I care for the most: C, G, and A.

I naively thought it didn't affect me. Silly me, I had forgotten where C gets his paychecks. We could use his pay especially with his visit coming up. Right now I'm paying for all but one of our bills. He pays for court fines from his car accident, saves for a house, and sends money to his family. Other than that, all of his money is discretionary for us.

(Side note: I do consider both of our paychecks as "our" money. It just seems more reasonable to approach this as a team effort. However, we have not combined finances yet. We haven't had the opportunity, but even so, I think it will be a while before we do. We aren't able to communicate instantly anymore so it is hard to know how much needs to be set aside for bills right now. It is simpler to send each other money when the other needs it.)

The good news is that Obama agreed to pay military members their pay even if some other government workers are not getting paid. We'll be able to have a date night! C will take the family out to where ever G wants! I don't have to send him money so he can get home! Life will be just fine for us!

Of course, I have no idea if the military health insurance is still being funded so I hope G and A don't get sick until the new budget is passed. I haven't confirmed with C that he actually got paid yet. (We all know the media would never lie to us. Right? *sarcasm*) Even at my most optimistic, I have pessimistic thoughts!

Reaching Out Fail

I texted C. I told him I've been feeling really down and asked if I could call him tonight. I meant it as "call me because hearing your voice cheers me up." He took it as the dreaded "we need to talk." It took a good half an hour before I convinced him I was not going to break up with him. Oops!

Sad, Sad Me

C is coming home Wednesday. It has been over three months since I've seen him. He'll stay here for a week. He will take us out to museums, parks (weather permitting), and out to eat. He'll spend some much needed bonding time with G and get to know A. We'll even get to go on a date night finally.

I should be excited, right? I was excited when he first told me. Today, I'm not. I guess my depression is acting up. I can't seem to shake the feeling that he settled for me. That he's only visiting me out of obligation but he'll spend time with his friends because he wants to. I think they'll try undermining our relationship. They don't like me; C has told me this himself. They are probably right. Why should a sexy, outgoing, fun-loving guy like C have to put up with me. I'm antisocial to the point where I can't say anything when I'm in a group. I don't like to leave the house at all. My self-esteem is (clearly) nonexistent. I'm skinny but not athletic. I'm an extremely lightweight drinker. Even G tells me that my job is boring. I'm forgetful, moody, and prudish. I take no pride in my appearance: I don't wear makeup and if I could, I'd wear pajamas all day everyday. Why would anyone want me?

I'm really tempted to text C, asking him why he settled for me. Is it worth it to be honest in this case? Should I even bother him with my problems when he's in no position to help? I don't want to appear weak to him, even though I clearly am. I don't want to screw up my good fortune. I probably will eventually. It's not like I can do anything right. He will eventually realize who I really am and he'll leave. I understand. If I could leave me, I would too.

It has gotten to the point where I know I should get help. I'm probably not going to, though. I want to try being a surrogate. When filling out applications, there are always questions about whether you have been treated for depression. I need to be able to say no to that or my application will be denied. I already applied once and was denied. I have to wait until I try again. (The companies I considered have a requirement that the applicant has no plans to move for a while. I'll try again after I move to be with C.) This is something I really want to do so I guess I'll just suffer for now.

A Babysitter for A

Here's the story of A's first six weeks and my attempt to go back to work:

My job does not offer paid maternity leave. I can use as much of the PTO that I've accrued and all the earned overtime PTO from tax season. After that, I'm left with unpaid time off. With countless bills to pay, being unmarried at the time, and C was away at boot camp (AKA unreachable) I depended on my pay checks. Despite an extra 96 hours of time off from the two month long busy season, I did not accrue enough time off when A was born in April. I had no choice but to try to return as soon as possible.

G is in day care. Despite a few administrative problems I've had with them, overall I like his day care. I trust them. I wanted A to go to the same day care. They don't accept kids younger than six weeks old and I only had three weeks of PTO. I needed to find a babysitter.

I thought about the people who I know that would have time to watch A during traditional work hours. Luckily, college courses were out at that time and one of my brothers was in college. He didn't want to do it but one of his friends agreed to do it. (This friend was a guy but don't take my experience as an example that all guys make awful babysitters. I truly believe that that blame falls on the individual, not the gender.) We worked out the hours he would need to be here and the rate I would pay. He can over one day so I could show him how to take care of A. That was that! I was worried the first day I went back to work but all mothers are.

It was awful! I'm glad nothing worse happened but I still get heart palpitations when I think about what my baby went through that day! It started off bad. He had planned on sleeping over the night before so he wouldn't be late and so he could have some extra time to hang out with my brother. It turns out that he stayed up past 4 am, knowing he had to wake up at 7 am. I heard them still playing their video games in the basement when A woke up for a feeding. It got worse.

He didn't pay attention to me when I told him about how to feed my baby. I chose to formula feed for personal reasons. He didn't listen to how to make the formula or how often she should eat. He mixed one scoop of powder with 3 oz of water when it was supposed to be one scoop with 2 oz of water. Worse, he only fed her once. Meaning from 7 am when my parents left until 4:30 when they got back, my three week old daughter only had one bottle. My brother and his friend were wondering why she cried the whole time! They were starving her! My poor baby! She had food right there but they didn't think to feed her again! She ate every two hours with me!

I was so mad; I couldn't even look at him.

The next day I needed him to babysit again so I could talk to my boss about taking unpaid time off. I wrote down extremely detailed instructions that a child could follow. I left my cell phone number and my work number. Screw the bills; my daughter needed me.

Thankfully, I have a very understanding office manager. She talked to the partners after I told her my plan and got them to agree to let my PTO hours go negative so I could still receive paychecks. My dad was also a huge help. He took off a few days each week so I wouldn't have to miss as much work. (Good news: I finally break even on my time off at the end of October. Starting mid-November, I can take a day off if I need to!) I was able to avoid financial ruin while still making sure my kids are taken care of.

I still wonder from time to time just how stupid my brother and his friend are. They saw me feeding A a lot those first few weeks. They heard me complain that she's constantly eating. I explained that she should not be fed with less than an hour between bottles but longer than that it's ok. Why didn't they realize she needed to eat? I can't blame their age. They are twenty! I figured out who to take care of G when I was nineteen. I had no experience with babies before him. He was the first baby I've ever changed or fed. My brother has helped with G before. It's like they just didn't care enough about A. They didn't care with making sure she didn't starve. They didn't care if she lived.

I don't trust babysitters anymore. It's not worth the risk. I'd rather rely on (older) family members who have experience with kids.

Little Green Monster

Yesterday, all the women in my office went out to lunch to celebrate my coworker's pregnancy. This is her last week as Saturday she's flying to Korea to have the baby over there with her family. It was nice having lunch with everyone. We were able to talk about "girl things" like cooking and pregnancy foods to avoid. I rarely go out with friends (and even then, only once in a blue moon do I get to go out without kids.) It was nice. One of the partners of my firm even picked up the tab so I had one less thing to feel guilty about at the end of the day.

My only problem is that I did not get invited out to eat with everyone when I was pregnant. Do the people here not like me? Were they ashamed of my (at the time) single mother status? Am I an embarrassment to the company?

The situations are different. She is planning on taking time off before she goes into labor; I expected to go to work on April 25 right up to the moment my water broke.We have very little work right now; I was due right after tax season. She's planning to take three months off; I expected to take only three weeks off. (That's  a story for another time.) Her husband is well off (or so I've heard); I was unmarried at the time. I clearly needed to come back; she has the option of being a stay-at-home.

Are those reason's enough? Am I being insecure or was I slighted?

No Sleep

Worst night in a long time! A did not want to sleep! To call it the worst is really saying something, too. This past weekend, she woke up every two hours like clockwork. A couple weeks ago she had a pattern of waking up at 3 am and staying awake until 5 am. None of that felt as bad as last night. She refused to let me put her down until 12:30 am. She would fall asleep in my arms but the moment I put her down, she would be wide awake. She didn't want a bottle or a pacifier. She would cry unless she was chewing on my hair. It was enough to make me wish I could try sleep training. Of course I can't because that would wake up G. He needs his sleep more than I do.

I tried sleep training with G when he was a baby. I only tried once though. He screamed until he threw up. That was that. It was better for him to fall asleep with me holding him. He wasn't cut out for that method of sleep training. Of course, A has a different personality. She might be more willing. I've seen her fall asleep with no bottle, rocking, or anyone holding her before. Oh well. Maybe things will get better in time. Maybe. Until then I'll try to keep my depression in check and dream of getting a full night's sleep.

Trouble of the Introvert

I've always been shy, painfully shy. I guess it's more of a social phobia than "shy." I have incredible trouble talking with people. I never know what to say! As a by-product of this, I've had trouble with relationships with people. Sometimes, even when I've known people for a while, I can't talk around them. Many of my friends have abandoned me over the years and I have trouble making new ones. I think people get bored of me. For the most part, I've gotten used to it. I can't help it. I can't change it. I should just accept that about myself, right?

The problem is C. What if C doesn't like me anymore? What if our conversation gets too stale for him? We mostly communicate through text messages so this seems like a real possibility. I might bore him. Of course thinking that makes it worse. Suddenly every silence becomes an uncomfortable one. All I can think about is how I should be talking. Ugh! I panic! What do I say? I should say something, anything. But in that moment I can't. We already broke up once in our turbulent past because of this. I worry it will happen again.

I'll have trouble making friends if I move with him. I'm too shy. People don't like me. None of his friends even like me! If we have marital problems after I move to be with him, I'll have no one to turn to! I could easily end up alone because of this. I'm scared. I'll have no one...

A Very Boring Person Writes Here

Not much to say. I'm a pretty boring person, in case you haven't figured that out by now. I had both kids by myself this weekend. No back up! I survived even though A woke up every two hours both nights. G had a fun weekend. He got to play with his cousins and he got a haircut. A started eating a lot more solid food. She cried whenever I ate but didn't share with her. She flipped over from her back to her stomach for the first time. She's also chewing on everything in sight. Perhaps tooth number two is on its way. C barely texted me all weekend. He called, but wanted to talk to G, not me. Like I said, I'm that boring...

Bananas

I take back all the good things I wrote about before about "Gone Girl." I hated the ending. I told C to read it too because he always wants cool new books to read. I'm rescinding my recommendation to him too. He's very particular about endings and I know he'll hate this one too.

In other news, I tried fruit for the first time yesterday with A. I fed her bananas mixed with baby rice. G loves bananas so I made double the baby rice that I normally make in case A loves it too. She definitely does. I made way more than I thought she'd eat but she finished it all! She even yelled at me a couple of times during the meal because I was feeding her too slowly. (I was trying to read to G at the same time. I'm usually better at multitasking than this. Both kids were yelling at me to continue!)

The result of the large meal? A slept through the night! Yay! I'm going to finish the jar of bananas with her tonight so hopefully I'll be able to repeat the sleep too!

Reading Musings

I'm currently reading that book "Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn. If anyone is reading my other blog, yes this will be the next entry. I must say I'm extremely creeped out by how I identify with one of the characters. The character I'm most like is Amy. I'm only halfway through the book but forgive the spoiler alert.

***Spoiler Alert***

Amy is the wife that goes missing. Her husband, Nick, is the one being blamed. By the time I finished reading part one, I was sure Nick killed her even though I vehemently hoped he didn't. The evidence was quite persuasive. Then I got to part two and BAM! I feel like the author smacked me over the head! Amy is psycho! She faked her own disappearance as punishment for Nick! (For what it's worth, I thought the twist was going to be that Nick's father killed her but Nick cleaned up the situation as a final act of kindness to his dad. That would explain Nick's odd behavior and Nick's dad's frequent escapes...)

Anyway, like I said, I understand her. If I didn't have kids, a job, money, or any friends like Amy didn't and the only reason I gave it all up was for my husband, I'd be mad enough to do this if my husband cheated on me. She gave up everything! He cheated with someone half her age almost! I'd be mad too. Now I don't have the patience to plan to frame anyone for murder years in advance but I understand. I'm amazed at her attention to detail too. From where I'm at in the book, it really does seem like the perfect crime. Flynn is an outstanding author for making me feel such empathy for such an evil character! This is the type of book I'll probably sacrifice my precious sleep for. And I know it'll be worth it!

Something's Happening...

C called me today. The Marines are talking about moving up his training. He's supposed to be waiting for his class to start in January. Instead, he might be able to start in October. This is both good and bad. Once he's done training, he can be deployed at anytime with very little warning. At least the tension over Syria has died down for now. Last I heard, we are trying for peaceful negotiations with military intervention being only a distant threat. He might also be stationed somewhere far away, like Japan. I couldn't follow him out of the country. The demand for accountants who know US tax law is very low outside of this country.

Of course there is good news. He might be stationed somewhere in the United States. Then G, A, and I can move right away to be with him. I miss him so much. I'm ready to sacrifice my only moving once rule to be with him. Long distance is as hard as everyone says and four years apart is a long time. I won't move until after the next tax season though. It'll be a lot easier for me to find a job when I'm trained as a senior rather than an associate. I can't wait to finally see C again!

My Birthday

Sunday was my birthday. Another year older. Another year closer to my actual age matching the age I feel. I believe I mentioned before, I'm still in my twenties. I don't feel like I'm in my twenties. I feel like I'm in my forties. I'm tired all the time. I have so many responsibilities to deal with everyday. I don't see friends regularly and my social life is nearly nonexistent. One major reason for this is of course my life choices. No one can take care of kids and be successful professionally if being wild and carefree is still a priority. Another reason is my personality. I'm incredibly introverted. If I could have any super power it would be invisibility, no contest. I'd be a hermit if I could. I'd never leave the house. Soon I'll start looking like the old fart I feel like. Maybe I'll even be able to go to a rated R movie without being carded... I dream big...

A Love Letter

Work is getting hectic with extension season in full swing. I'm working on one of the hardest client's returns and I still have at least a day of checking the states if not more. It's so frustrating! For every tiny part that I correct, I find three or four major problems that I need to fix! Ugh it's a nightmare! So I'm not going to talk about it anymore.

C sent me a text asking what were five things that turned me on about him. This was my response:

"Five things about you that turn me on:
1. When you say sweet thing to me. Even if it seems like I just brush off the compliment or if I don't believe it, I still appreciate that you said it and it makes me want to put my hands all over you.
2. Your body. No contest, you are still the sexiest person I know. It's amazing how much I get turned on when I see your body.
3. When you take care of G or A. I don't know what it is but whenever you do that I just want to pull you into another room and do naughty things to you.
4. When you are close to me especially when you hold me tight. Yay!
5. When you act like a badass. I love the bad boy in you ;)"

That ended up being a really long text message but it wasn't enough to say what I really wanted to say. I'd love to look back over some of my favorite moments with him...

He surprised me early on with his sweetness. When we first started dating, "The Golden Compass" was in theaters. It is still one of my favorite books so I wanted to go see the movie. (This was before I gave up on movies. Now, I refuse to go see a movie if I already read and enjoyed the book.) He took me to see the movie as a part of a large group of his friends. The movie was awful! None of us liked it! Afterwards, his friends teased him about picking a bad movie. He didn't know how I liked the movie yet so he defended it. He never once told the group that it was really me who picked out the movie. Even back when he was an immature 19 year old, I knew he was someone special.

We've had plenty of ups and downs over the years. Even when we weren't together, I knew I could go to him for anything. He's always been there to help me. He's become my best friend. He's the one I trust with my secrets. He's seen me at my worst and still loves me. I'm glad that I married him. I can't wait until I can see him again.

I'll have to continue on with my memories of him in another post. I need to get to bed so I have the energy to tackle my monster return tomorrow! I won't leave work tomorrow until it is done!

Doctors

G has a doctor's appointment today so I thought I'd make a list:

Things I Hate About the Pediatrician:

1. Having to take off work because all of the evening and weekend appointments are books six months in advance.

2. The tiny waiting room is too small of the large amounts of noise all the kids make while impatiently waiting.

3. Waiting for fifteen minutes for the doctor after the nurse does the basic measurements.

4. While waiting for the doctor, the baby needs to be dressed down to her diaper even though the rooms are so cold, I'm even shivering in all my clothes.

5. After hours helpline takes hours to talk to a doctor. (This happened with G around his first birthday. He ended up having the Hands, Foot, Mouth virus. All I knew at the time was that he was refusing to eat, had a fever, and was screaming inconsolably. It took three hours to get a doctor on the phone even though the person at the helpline kept saying "the doctor will call you within twenty minutes or you should call back." Finally when I got to talk to the doctor, all she said was to go to the emergency room. I switched doctors after that night.)

Don't get me wrong, I like the pediatrician (with the exception of G's first doctor) but that doesn't mean I like taking the kids there. However, I'm glad I finally found a good one. Everyone there is nice and seems to care about the kids. The staff is well-trained. Money is clearly reinvested in the business. My OBGYN had ancient-looking desktops in each room; the pediatricians all get their own iPads to keep the records on. The doctors treat parents with respect. G's last doctor had a way of interrogating parents rather than asking necessary questions. The old doctor even yelled at me for holding G too much instead of tactfully telling me that he needed more tummy time at one of the early appointments.

Next step is to find a new dentist to make G an appointment. The one he has now has a receptionist that treated me coldly only after finding out that I was not married to C during G's last appointment. I would like to find one a little less judgmental...

Beds, Bangs, and Birthday

This weekend was pretty interesting. Friday evening, we went over to my SIL's house. G got to play with his cousins and eat pizza. They played with Thomas trains even though JJ has moved passed the stage of being obsessed with them and now enjoys his Wii more. My son is so spoiled. I had fun too. I like talking with my SIL. It's nice to have someone close in age who knows what it's like to be a young mother. None of my close friends have kids yet. I'm not even sure if any of them want kids. I don't have as much in common with them anymore.

G had so much fun that I let him stay there a bit longer than I should have. His usual bedtime is 8 pm but we need to start getting ready at 7:45 if he wants to read a book. (He always wants to read a book. I'm so proud!) We stayed until 9 pm. Then we dropped off my MIL at her house. She brought out the things that C had sent me: new work shoes and a birthday gift.

The shoes are cute. They are Coach heel shoes. I'm not very fashion forward so forgive the poor description. These are the first brand name shoes I own. Usually I just buy some cheap Payless heels. They are also much higher than my usual shoes. I'll be the same height as most women in those shoes! Ha ha I'm so short! It'll take some practice until I'm able to walk in those shoes. I'm not sure I'll ever think of them as comfy, though.

I opened the birthday gift as soon as I got home. My birthday isn't until Sunday but I couldn't resist. C has clearly been listening to what I talk to him about. He bought me a Nintendo 64! He also bought me two controllers and two games! I'll need to buy a blue controller for G at some point but it was still a great gift! G wanted me to set it up right away. That kid would take my gift for himself if he could!

One finally thing I feel I need to mention in this blog post: I cut my bangs. They were getting so long, always in my face, so I cut them. I did not go to a stylist to get them cut. I literally took scissors and chopped over an inch off. It looks stupid and my self-esteem plummeted after I did that. I hate how I look. I want to hide until it grows back just a little more. However, as bad as I feel, I know this won't be the last time I cut my own bangs.

G's Morning

G had trouble letting go of me when I had to leave for work this morning. I hate it when he does this. As if I didn't have enough mom guilt for working in the first place. It's not like I even have a choice but I still get the guilt.

I wasn't expecting him to act like that today. Usually he's pretty good on Friday mornings. Fridays are pizza and Show-and-Tell days. Pizza is one of the few foods my picky eater likes. I really can't blame him for being a picky eater; he gets it from me. He also loves Show-and-Tell. It gives him a chance to bring one of his Thomas toys to class to share with his friends. He always brings something Thomas related even if we have to stretch to make it fit the theme. When the theme was school, he brought his Thomas lunch box. Today the theme was apples. He brought bug ABC flashcards (because bugs eat apples) and he used his Thomas pail to hold them. We can get very creative finding his Show-and-Tell toys...

Tonight we are going to my sister-in-law's house so G can play with his cousins. He was excited about that last night when I told him. Hopefully it will cheer him up during the day once he moves past the fact that I spend more of my waking time each day in an office instead of with him...

Racist Partners

In general I love my job and I'm so grateful to have it, even on busy days like today. The deadline for estimates for individuals and for entity returns is approaching fast. It seems like every time I finish one client, two more are given to me. But I enjoy my work. I enjoy being a tax accountant (if you can't tell my pride by the title of the blog...)

There was only one time I seriously thought about quitting. It was right after my first tax season. Three of us and a partner worked on these massive returns for a brand new client. It was tough work. As a reward, the partner treated us to a lunch at a nearby restaurant. I was intimidated at first because I was still an intern. Soon I was just angry.

The topic had turned to relationships. (Note: the partner and my two other coworkers are all men.) The partner had told the two guys to settle down with nice Polish girls because they would work hard to keep up the home. What!!! I'm Polish as well as a mix of many other European races and I would never make housework my priority. I would never give up my career for my husband. What a racist thing to say! Of course, both of the guys were already dating their current partners for multiple years and one would propose before the end of the year so this advice was moot anyway.

Did the partner stop there? Oh no, he did not! He went on to say that it was important to only marry someone of the same race as you. He said that people of different races were too fundamentally different to make a relationship last.

Wow. I couldn't believe he said that. I was in shock. I've never heard anyone be so blatantly racist before. This was a partner! This is a person who is supposed to represent the entire company! He said that in public to someone who is not a racist like him. If I was a client, I would never have done business with him after that! Like I said earlier, this was the only time I've ever wanted to quit my company. I went home and I cried. A's dad (who I was seeing at the time) was at work so I went to C to talk about this. C comforted me and talked me out of quitting.

I grew up in a very diverse neighborhood. I've had friends of all different colors. For most of my life, I didn't think twice about this. In my naivete, I had honestly thought that racism was over with. It took until college for me to realize how privileged my childhood was to be surrounded by such diversity. My college was about 99% white. I had never been in a situation like this before college. It was strange.

For the record, I took the partner's comment about relationship between different races extremely personally. Both C and A's bio dad are Mexican. G and A are half Mexican and half mix-of-most-of-Europe. My relationship will not fail because of race. I firmly believe my relationship will not fail at all.

Young Marriage

Like anyone else who made a major, yet controversial life choice, I'm ready to defend my choice to the death, even against mean coworkers. Two of my coworkers were having a conversation about six feet away from where I was working at my desk. One of them was telling the other that she was taking some time off to go to her cousin's wedding. She mentioned that the cousin was in her twenties. My other coworker responded by saying that he thinks getting married in your twenties is a stupid idea. She agreed. They said marriages of twenty-somethings never last. They both know I got married. I'm 23 and C is 25.

How tactless can they be! I was ready to cry. I'm glad I married C. It was the right decision for us. We've wanted it for years. The first time we got engaged was in 2011. Sorry we can't be like my other coworker who has been with his girlfriend for six years and has no plans on proposing anytime soon even though she is dropping hints. Just because they aren't ready for marriage doesn't mean it's a bad idea.

It wasn't only me they were slighting. Three former coworkers that were close with the two that said this got married in their twenties. One current coworker is engaged at 25. A lot of people get married in their twenties. Who are these two to say that my decision was stupid? I'm proud I got married. I love C in a way that I've never loved anyone else. I always knew C was going to be important to me. When we started dating, I told my friends that I want him to be in my life forever. It has taken 6 years since that thought but I finally got him for good!

Labor Day Firsts

Significant changes this past Labor Day weekend! My kids are growing up! Saturday, we went on vacation to Wisconsin to my parents. They have a second house up there. G loves it there! My parents have the old Nintendo 64 up there. That and the Nintendo Game Cube are the only game consoles I've ever seriously played. After that, the controllers had way too many buttons for me to compete with anyone. Even Halo on the original Xbox was too tricky for me. I used to play the 64 so much that I got a tattoo of Toad on my shoulder. He was my favorite character in Mario Kart. He still is actually.

But I digress...

The point is, G wanted to play games on the old Nintendo 64 with me. He now can use the controller on his own. Although I'm still better than him at the games right now, I'm sure that won't last long. He loves playing and I love playing the games with him. We had a great Saturday of games.

Sunday, we went to the local fair. We saw all the animals even though G wasn't really interested. Then we went on the rides. G loves rides! None of them scared him! He was too short for most of them but he willingly went on all the ones he was allowed to. He gets this from me. C gets scared around roller coasters. I'm always trying to get him to go front row with me. He's always trying to go on the boring rides. I can't wait until G starts going front row on the tallest roller coasters with me!

The fair was supposed to end with a concert from the Beach Boys. My dad was a huge Beach Boys fan growing up. G, my mom, and I also enjoy their songs so it should've been a fun evening. Angela didn't care for all the noise. Once we got to the stands, she wouldn't stop crying. We had to leave an hour before the show started. That was supposed to be my first concert too. Oh well.

Monday was a day of change. G got new booster seats. He is now officially out of car seats. He can now get into and out of the car by himself. He can also disobey my rules and not sit nice in the car if he doesn't want to. Hopefully, he still listens to me...

A was given solid food for the first time. I noticed this weekend that she would open her mouth whenever a spoon was put near her. I was holding her while eating ice cream and she tried to steal my dessert! So I bough some baby rice to see if she was truly ready. It turns out, she was! She's a better eater than G ever was. She eagerly ate most of the food I gave her. Almost none of it was spit back up. G was so picky about what foods he likes (and he still is!) He never liked the rice. A actually enjoyed it!

Technically, I started feeding her before I was supposed to. She's only four months old. The doctors say to wait until five months. But she was showing signs of readiness and she's big for her age (75th percentile for weight, 90th percentile for height and head size) so I decided to try it. Yay! I'm proud of my growing kids!

My Favorite Hobby

I've been trying to have fun with my hobbies a lot more recently. It really helps me stay sane in my overworked life. When I was in college, I went without my favorite hobby, reading, for several months. It was awful. I finally started using half an hour of my precious sleep time for reading and I started feeling so much better. Now I have a Nook so I can read on the train during my obnoxiously long commute. I prefer this to trying to sleep on the train by a long shot.

I'm a really fast reader. (Yet another skill that helped me get through college.) I can do three books in two weeks on average. Keep in mind that the only time I read is on my commute. I started another blog to help others find good books. When I finish the book, I rate it out of five and write a brief paragraph about it. I don't like the way it's coming out right now so I might tweek it a bit later. Maybe I'll start writing multiple paragraph summaries? I'm not sure. I'm open to suggestions if there is anyone out there reading this blog...

I also need suggestions for which books to read. Right now I'm randomly choosing books based on what's available on my local library's website. Most of their ebooks are romance novels but I try to avoid those. I feel foolish for reading them. Not all problems are solved by finding a husband. Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to leave comments...

I love that library by the way. It is the same one that I used to escape to as a kid whenever my life got overwhelming. In high school, I used to ride my bike there to check out "one or two" books. I'd leave with over ten books even though I didn't bring a backpack. I'd have to carefully ride home with all the books in one arm while trying not to drop any. I can't control myself around books. They are my weakness. They are my escape.

I'll admit, I tend to binge read when I'm really upset. At the peak of my depression, I was reading 1-2 books a day. I had to keep reading in order to avoid crying. That's one thing I look out for: if I read too much it means I'm avoiding real life.

On that happy note, check out my new blog:
http://reviewingbookbookbooks.blogspot.com/

Studying for the CPA

A coworker was just talking to me about the CPA exam. I've passed all four parts already and she only took her first test yesterday. She said she was jealous that I passed them all so quickly and easily. What she didn't know was that I studied a lot for these exams. It also took a lot for me to be able to stay up all night studying, sleep for less than four hours, and still be a functioning individual the next day. I had to work hard to get that ability.

I was in college full time when G was a baby. That was not easy. I was also working. The job started out as part-time to make sure I could handle the school work. Then I switched to full-time. Then I added an additional part-time job. All of this while watching G almost every night. (C worked nights back then so he could watch G during the day. We couldn't afford day care back then.) G didn't suffer from my crazy schedule. He developed close bonds with his dad and his grandparents in addition to me. He was also extremely smart. He was able to read all his letters by the time he was 18 months old. Where was I going with this again? Oh yea, my school.

I made sure to try 110% in college. If I failed, I wouldn't get a second shot. If my grades slipped, I'd lose my scholarship and have to drop out. I needed to keep my GPA above 3.5 to keep my scholarship. I worked my butt off. The first two semesters after G was born, I made the Dean's List both times. I got less than 3 hours of sleep a night and survived mostly on caffeine. My day would start with two cups of coffee. I would supplement with energy drinks and quad lattes (4 shots of espresso) during the day as needed. Nights were filled with another pot of coffee and several sodas. I've since cut back dramatically on the caffeine but that was the only way for me to stay awake at the time.

Compared with college, studying five hours a day for the CPA exam while raising G and working full-time was a breeze. I've earned the ability to function on little sleep. No one can take that away from me. However, I wouldn't wish my "training" on my worst enemy.

Depression

C admitted to me yesterday that he's depressed too. He's just so homesick. I get it. It's been tough for him being away from all of us for so long. We even planned on meeting this weekend for Labor Day but that got cancelled. He's not allowed to leave the base because he's considered a student. I was going to visit him even though it was a seven hour car ride with two kids but that's no longer possible either. The hotel on base is already booked for the long weekend. I was looking forward to finally seeing him again. The last time I saw him was June 23, three days after our wedding.

Even though C told me that he's depressed, I couldn't admit to the same. I've always had a hard time confiding in others about my depression. It's just so personal. Besides, he doesn't really need to know. There's nothing he could do. It would just make him worry.

I confided in C about my depression before, when we first started dating. Back then, he said he didn't believe in depression. I guess he thought by double digit suicide attempts were my way of having fun? I'm not sure. I'm glad he changed his belief. It took a lot to make him realize. He helped me recover from my last attempt. He watched me throw up blood. One of his best friends was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt too. Now my poor C is experiencing depression himself. Life seems to have a cruel sense of humor.

First Day of School

I just received a picture message from my sister-in-law. Two of my nephews just finished their first day of school today. (Side note: I find it more strange that I have nieces and nephews than a son and daughter. Is that weird? I actually have a lot of nieces and nephews now that I'm married. Three nieces and six nephews!) They looked so grown up in the picture even through they are both the same age as G. I've known them both since they were babies! One was a wild child who put everything into his mouth and had a constantly messy face. The other was the tallest and strongest of the four cousins that were born within a month of each other. He was also, strangely enough, the "crybaby" of the group. I mean no negative connotation for that. I simply mean that he was the one that cried easiest if things didn't go his way. In the picture, both boys look so clean cut in their little uniforms! It's adorable!

G could be off to preschool this year just like his cousins. I decided against it though. The day care that he is at now is pretty spectacular. It is structured to mimic the school experience for the older kids. They do units, go on field trips, and learn basic things like the alphabet, numbers, days of  the week, etc. This year he even gets to learn Spanish! Hopefully he is able to learn it. C's family speaks to him in Spanish all of the time but the only word he knows is leche! His day care is open from 7 am to 6 pm which is probably the number one reason I kept him there this year. None of the preschools around me would be able to watch him for the hours I need to work.

Next year, he won't have a choice; he'll have to start kindergarten. I'm both dreading and looking forward to that day. I'll get to take a cute first day of school pic too and I'll get a break from these outrageous day care costs... But my little boy, my baby, won't be so little anymore. He'll start the slow transition out to the real world. He'll have to start facing problems on his own without my overprotective form of help. He'll have opportunities to fail. I'm so scared for him to grow. Right now he's excited about growing up. All he can see are the exciting experiences he'll gain like staying home alone or riding roller coasters. He doesn't see the wonderful things he's giving up or the potential dangers ahead.

I remember when I thought about growing up the same way. I used to dream of being 16. I thought that was the age of freedom. I thought being able to drive would give me freedom to escape. Once I realized I was wrong, I would dream of being 18. Too bad I was still in high school with 0 freedoms at that point. When I was 18, I tried to fight against my 10 pm curfew. I made a deal with my mom: if I get straight A's for the first semester while still taking the AP classes I planned to, I would have no curfew for the second semester. I fulfilled my end of the bargain. When I attempted to use my no curfew privilege, I was told that the deal was only for non-school nights even though this was never mentioned when the original deal was made. Oh and this also didn't apply to staying out all night. I was forbidden to go on sleepovers, even to girls' houses. I definitely rebelled after that broken deal.

Where was I going with this again? Oh yea. These kids that I knew as babies are growing up and going to school. I feel old.

Day Out With Thomas

I talked to C about how worthless I feel. He said all the nice things he's supposed to as my husband. He said that I'm so much more successful than him and he'e trying to keep up, that he loves me, and that he doesn't know what he would do without me. It was nice to hear but it would be nicer to believe it...

This weekend, I took G out to the railway museum's Day Out With Thomas event. It was supposed to be the greatest vacation ever for him. He's completely obsessed with Thomas the train. However, he hated it. It was so hot, there was a long drive, and there were so many people there. G was upset that we rode in a passenger car instead of right inside Thomas. He didn't like that we didn't buy anything from the gift shop ($15 - $25 for a tiny little train! No way!) It was awful!

After our train ride, we walked around the outdoor museum. He refused to see any trains that weren't Thomas. He refused to do any activities. Finally he agreed to go in the bouncy castle. When his turn was over, he wouldn't leave. I counted to three but he still didn't listen. As soon as he came out, we left. He was dragging his feet and screaming the whole way out. As punishment, he lost his Thomas toy and didn't get a cookie with his lunch.

After we got home, he was acting better so I decided to take him to the library. This kid loves the library as much as I do! It's so awesome! Too bad I didn't realize that this weekend was the summer carnival, which happens to be located right in front of the library. There was no parking anywhere. I took my crying boy back home with no new books. It was a disappointing weekend for him, although I did get some cute pictures that went straight up onto Facebook.

Poor A didn't have a better weekend even though she did get to spend Sunday bonding with her grandparents. She caught a cold on Friday. Four times awake Friday night and Saturday night! And she didn't sleep well during the day! My poor baby!

On the bright side, her motor control is getting much better. Anything within reach can now be expected to end up in her mouth including but not limited to: my glasses, my hair, and G's trains. I'm still so proud of my baby!

Sad :(

Either the stress is catching up with me or I have postpartum depression. Everything has been so overwhelming lately. I catch myself crying for stupid reasons all the time. I expect everyone to yell at me or talk to me like I'm nothing. I guess that's true though. I'm worthless. I haven't accomplished anything. My kids deserve a better mom than me. I suck as a mom. I'm always working. I'm strict. I don't have the patience to deal with G stalling before bed or A falling asleep just to wake up the moment sleep feels like a real possibility for me. I can't keep up with the laundry. I leave messes everywhere as my mother has been kind enough to point out several times this week. I can't manage money. I can't afford to move away from my parents. Even if I could, I couldn't handle raising my kids with no help. One day, when they grow up, they'll realize how useless and weak I am. They'll hate me. They'll be ashamed at what a failure I am. C will end up leaving me eventually. Who would want to stay with such a pathetic failure? I'm not even pretty. I used to think I was smart but clearly I'm not. Smart people don't get knocked up at 19. And 20. And 22. I'm so worthless. My family deserves better.

Favoritism

Well, I think my heart might be broken. G has a favorite parent and it isn't me. It isn't even C. His favorite "parent" is actually his grandma, my mom. I love him more than anything! Everything I've done, I've done it for him! He means the world to me! I know I'm physically away from him for most of the day but it's only because I work. Even work I do for him. I have to provide. We can't be another teenage mom horrible statistic. When I get home I guess I do spend more time with A than with him. She cries constantly when my mother holds her. At least that kid knows who is truly a good person. While I'm holding A, my mother gets G everything he needs: food, milk, toys, etc. She also spoils G as grandmothers are supposed to. I have to be the harsh disciplinarian. I hate this.

It is even worse considering what an awful mom my mother was to me. She didn't care that I was diagnosed with depression at age 14. She never hugged me or said "I love you." I'm pretty sure she never loved me at all. She always criticizes me to the point of tears, even now. I'm glad she's treating G better than she treated me but I still don't trust her with the emotional well-being of my son.